Roger Ebert, the only critic in America who understood how awesome KN0W1NG was, is taking on cable shouter Bill O'Reilly.

[Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com] April 8 @ 11:51am Damon Wayans and Tim Kring at Day 2 of the Ad Age Digital Conference. Didn't know that they were good buds! AND—

Andrew Saffir's Cinema Society hosted a screening of The Mysteries of Pittsburgh last night at the Landmark Sunshine Theater. Guests at the screening included the film's stars Sienna Miller and Peter Sarsgaard (left), along with Maggie Gyllenhaal, Anna Wintour, Russell Simmons and Julie Henderson, Gilles Bensimon, Rachel Roy, Amy Sacco, Rachel Zoe, Beth Ostrosky, Olivia Palermo and Johannes Huebl, Jessica Joffe, Zoe Kravitz, Stefano Tonchi, Marina Rust Connor, Jennifer Creel, Richard Johnson and Sessa von Richchofen, Carlos Souza, Marcus Schenkenberg, Rosanna Scotto, Emma Roberts, Brittny Gastineau, Irina Pantaeva, Kiera Chaplin, Lisa Anastos, Jackie Astier, Kim Heirston, Nur Khan, Gilles Mendel, Bobby Kennedy III, Kelly Killoren Bensimon, Chris Diamantopoulos, and Olympic fencers Tim Morehouse and Jason Rogers. [PMc, Wireimage, VF, Paper, FWD]

If life were a game of doubles tennis, would you rather be Jill's partner or Ramona's? Luckily we got to ponder that important question last night, in our most ball-hittingest episode yet.

Unhappy about getting canned? Kidnap your boss! This is the trend sweeping Europe. If enough plant managers, shift supervisors, editors-in-chiefs, and corporate reps are tied up in supply closets, we just might get through this thing!

Surprise: the Office of Congressional Ethics is investigating Rep. Jesse Jackson, Jr. for that whole "Rod Blagojevich's Senate Candidate 5" thing.

• To celebrate 1,000 episodes (and 35,892 sound effects), CNBC's resident buffoon, Jim Cramer, rang the opening bell of the NYSE today. [CNBC]
• Sales of romance novels are on the rise, since in times like these, we all just want to indulge in happy endings. Or something along those lines. [NYT]
• Why is the New York Times Co. frantically looking to cut costs at the Boston Globe? For one thing, it's on track to lose $85 million in 2009. [NYO, Portfolio]
• It's hard getting people to pay for newspaper content they now get for free. Let Coke guide you, Arthur Sulzberger Jr.: "Coca-Cola took tap water, filtered it and called it Dasani, and makes millions of dollars a year." [NYT]
• Magazines are blurring the line between editorial and advertising by putting ads on the cover. If they don't, they go bust. Rock, meet hard place. [NYT]

Can't pay your bills? Blame Tim Geithner and Bernie Madoff! That's the route two restaurateurs are taking as their finances take a recessionary turn.

The crew of the Maersk Alabama, the ship with 20 Americans aboard hijacked by Somali pirates this morning, has reportedly already retaken the ship from the scurvy buccaneers. Whoa, movielike, action film, what's happening?

The MTA has revealed the service cuts that will take place this summer unless someone does something about the agency's $1.2 billion budget gap. Oh, and the new fare of $2.50 takes effect May 31, just in case you want to start saving your quarters now. [NYDN]

ShamWow! guy Vince Shlomi was arrested for a bloody fight with a tongue-biting prostitute in Miami. Now The Smoking Gun has the police photos of both victims, and the crime scene. They're ugly.

The economic disaster has wrought havoc in our lives, yet has been a force for good in many ways too: It's helped usher in a new political era, pulled the rug out from under a whole generation of self-entitled masters-of-the-universe, and now we hear it may rescue us from Roberto Cavalli's fashions! The permatanned designer has been in talks to sell his company, which had him waxing philosophically in a recent interview with Grazia: "I love poor people! I am glad of the recession. Something needed to break. Too many people making too much money. It's good because it makes you think, 'Maybe now I do something different. Is it enough to make happiness through clothes? Is there something more?' I don't know." What cultural contribution could possibly replace slashed-to-the-navel leopard-print satin dresses? The world awaits with baited breath.

Oh boy, a Capitol Police alert! Everyone evacuate the US Capitol Visitors Center ASAP and then Twitter about it!

The dotcom dream is alive! Zappos, the Las Vegas online shoe retailer, has free food, on-site massages, and a life coach! Employees are even paid to Twitter. Just don't mention the November layoffs, okay?

In a deposition for his $10 million suit against American Apparel, Woody Allen described the clothing company's ads today as "sleazy," "adolescent" and "infantile." Yes, this would be the same Woody Allen who sleazily started an affair with his quasi-stepdaughter, who was an adolescent at the time. But at least he'll have something to talk about at his next session with his psychoanalyst. [NYP]

Reality shows have always been cheap—wooden sets, woodener stars, bottom shelf booze—but now they're getting even cheaper. There's a recession on! One show is stooping to capitalize on the gloom. By firing people.

Kate Spade's husband Andy—he's also David Spade's brother! Who cares? Well nobody really, if you want to be a dick about it, but it's good to know David Spade was a nerd from day one:

Today little men take on big roles, J.Lo finds her vampiric costar, Gore Vebinski takes a breather for himself, Leah Remini glows like moondust, and old people get it on in hilarious fashion.

Burger King's SubservientChicken.com: Five years old, and still doing stuff in a chicken outfit.

Rachel Maddow, who basically everyone wants to hang out with, lost one of her "mentioned by every damn interviewer" quirks recently, when she got drunk and bought a TV.