After a week of "Teabagging" jokes, Stephen Colbert finally got around to NOM's 2M4M anti-gay marriage campaign. He made his own parody, just like the internet did, except funnier! Watch out for the HOMOSTORM.

In your springy Friday media column: a maybe-savior for the Boston Globe, traumatized journalists are everywhere, Newsweek bites HuffPo, and more!

National Skin Cancer Awareness Month doesn't begin for another couple of weeks. But feel free to get a head start and remind yourself that excessive exposure to the sun isn't just dangerous, it can make you look completely ridiculous, too—even if you're Kim Kardashian and you're plenty ridiculous as it is. "This tan line is not ok!!!" Kim says on Twitter. This is true! But we're glad she shared the pic, and we've all learned a valuable lesson, and for that, Kim, the dermatologists of America salute you. [Twitpic]

Ashton Kutcher, we wish we could quit you. The model-actor-director-wantrepreneur has been racing CNN to attract a million followers on Twitter, and he barely won this morning. People are already suggesting the contest was rigged.

The New Yorkers for Children benefit attracted a predictably star-studded crowd to the Mandarin Oriental on Wednesday night. In addition to Zac Posen and Coco Rocha in matching ensembles, guests included Josh Hartnett, Emmy Rossum, Andre Balazs, Christine and Steve Schwarzman, Rachel Roy, Rachel Zoe, Topper and Tinsley Mortimer, Lucy Sykes Rellie and husband Euan Rellie, Andres and Lauren Santo Domingo, Alexis Bryan, Fabiola Beracasa, Gillian Hearst Simonds, Diane Kruger and Joshua Jackson, Gillian and Sylvester Miniter, Olivia Palermo ...

Two disgraced Bush flunkies have written a Wall Street Journal op-ed attacking Barack Obama for releasing the torture memos. In doing so, they admit that what we did actually was torture.

Sara Nelson, who was recently laid off as the editor of Publishers Weekly, so she's freelancing. But one mystery publication's asshole editor gave her so much trouble she outed him, blind item-style. Guess:

• The first quarter wasn't such a hot one for NBC Universal: Earnings dropped 45 percent as the ad market continued its downward spiral. [WSJ, TVWeek]
• The world's largest newsprint maker has gone bankrupt. [NYT]
• Rolling Stone is closing up shop in San Francisco. [Portfolio]
• Ads sales figures at The New York Times Co. are looking pretty ugly. [E&P]
• Some good news, at least for impoverished porn addicts: Time Warner no longer plans to charge customers based on bandwidth usage. [Wired]

To answer Time's headline: NO. Mark Penn should not get paid. He should be put in a box with insects. But apparently that is not an option!

Gottfrid Svartholm Warg, Peter Sunde, Fredrik Neij and Carl Lundstrom have been on trial in Sweden for months. A court in Stockholm, Sweden, returned its verdict today: guilty, with a year in jail and $3.6 million in fines owed to artists whose works they helped Pirate Bay users copy.

Break out the bubbly and bring back the bottle service, because the huge banks that nearly collapsed on themselves in a terrifying Domino Effect of Financial Doom are back in the black, baby!

Admit it. When you read in the paper yesterday that General Growth Properties had filed for bankruptcy protection and then you noticed that the giant mall operator controlled the South Street Seaport, part of you was secretly thrilled by the news. Maybe they'll finally use all that space for something useful instead of as an overpriced tourist trap for people visiting from wherever it is the lame people pictured above are from! But then you visited the Times website today and you almost cried when you saw this:

A 21 year-old Oakland man is pleading guilty to the murder of Oakland journalist Chauncey Bailey last August—a stupid, stupid murder that never would have happened in a just world.

Poor Kelly Killoren Bensimon. Not only is she facing charges in connection with the beating of her boyfriend, still classified as a man by the NYPD, and desperately looking to sell her house in the Hamptons, she's now being accused of ripping off the jewelry designs of her former friend, Celeste Greenberg. At the rate she's going, she should be stealing handbags from clubs by about the third week of June or so. Mark your calendar. [GoaG]

Steven Rattner, former New York Times reporter, failed media investment firm founder, friend of Bloomberg and Sulzberger, and Car Czar, is one more former political star caught up in the New York pension fund scandal.

After thousands of layoffs last year, Yahoo's gearing up to cut more staff. Here's an idea: Why not trim outrageous spending first? One Yahoo engineer has helpfully, if unwittingly, shown where to start.

Like watching a toddler take her first awkward steps, the Internet is collectively watching Oprah Winfrey use Twitter. As befits the Empress of Enthusiasm, her first message was an all-caps HOLLER!

Mike Tyson shows his sensitive, cheery side at last night's L.A. premiere of documentary Tyson, which director James Toback has said is about the "regeneration, reconstruction and rehabilitation of a great spirit." Pic via Getty.

Do you find the Snuggie too cliche, the Slanket too knockoff, the Sealpelt too needy, and the Peekaru too bourgeois? Do you like to wear sleeping bags as clothes? The Lippi Selk bag is for you:

It's the biggest curse of womankind—eclipsing PMS, childbirth, bikini waxing, mandatory starvation, sharing a gender with Gwyneth Paltrow, and earning 75 cents to a man's dollar—and yet modern technology still hasn't figured out a way to eradicate cellulite. It is, however, doing its best, and the latest gizmo that promises to de-ripple butts and thighs is the Smoothshapes laser, which is being promoted by dermatologist Neil Sadick and which Oprah magazine's Valerie Monroe road-tests for our edification.