The Way We Live Now: Fleeing the police, on foot. Who can afford cars? Let them all go bankrupt. All we need for our ATM robberies are a crowbar and a laid-off blesbok, for distraction.

All the gay Republicans are going to be OUTED! This threat is made every couple years, usually by Michelangelo Signorile and Mike Rogers. This time, there is a movie coming out!

• Arthur Sulzberger Jr. says he has no plans to take the New York Times Co. private, despite "brutal conditions" that threaten his paper's survival. [NYT]
• Meanwhile, Moody's has downgraded the NYT Co.'s credit rating. [E&P]
• A few theories on why Peter Kaplan departed Jared Kushner's Observer, and what's in store for Kaplan—and the paper—in the future. [WWD]
• Former Facebook exec Owen Van Natta is the new CEO of MySpace. [WSJ]
• Is GE looking to sell NBC Universal to Time Warner? It's possible! [TDB]
• Ambushing the ambusher: Staking out the home of Jesse Watters, the Fox News producer who stalks liberals for Bill O'Reilly. [Gawker]

Meryl gets recognition, yet again. Stephen Dorff! Remember him? Yeah, me too. And I sat through all of S.F.W. Plus news of good people that I like.

There's fresh evidence that members of the social set have turned to petty crime as they cope with the downturn. There are no missing handbags this time around, but there are several vases full of flowers that could be eventually entered into evidence. Vanity Fair reports that several people made off with the orange tulip centerpieces at the Robert F. Kennedy Jr.-hosted Fisherman's Ball the other night. Alas, VF is not naming names. But presumably we'll find out who was responsible for these despicable acts just as soon as Andrew Cuomo starts issuing subpoenas. [VF]

For as long as mankind has occupied New York, there have been two Starbucks locations on Astor Place, a block away from each other, which occasioned many predictable remarks. No more! This means everything.

The huuuuuge Fortune story on Bernie Madoff asserts something that should seem obvious: maybe some investors knew there was something fishy going on! Also, Bernie is nuts. He dropped trou in the office!

["Gossip Girl" actor Ed Westwick in London today; image via INF]

We warned you this would happen. On last night's episode of 30 Rock, actor Tracy Morgan's real life crazies were spliced in with fictional ones. Because life is art!

Here's the poster for the sure-to-be-classic upcoming low-budget Bernie Madoff biopic, dynamically titled "Made Off With America." Yes, they did use the bald eagle/flag clip art, thank you. The auditions are also dynamic!

We have some new—and disturbing—information on the house of horrors in Bedford occupied by billionaire Nelson Peltz and his wife Claudia. (If you missed yesterday's installment, go here.) We've made contact with several other people who worked inside the home in the past, and their stories, which are just as outrageous as the ones we'd heard previously, make it clear that the Peltzes may very well be the scariest couple to work for in the tri-state area.

We've been staking out Jesse Watters' house for four hours now, but we made a stalker-n00b error—we neglected to anticipate the effect all that coffee we drank at 4 a.m. would have on our bladders.

Longtime New York Observer editor Peter Kaplan is leaving the paper to, okay, "spend more time with the family," but why did he really quit? Perhaps...he'd had enough of rich young NYO owner Jared Kushner?

Once GM and Chrysler finally die, there will be no more pension plans left in the entire country (except for former presidents and members of congress). Sorry!

David Letterman attending a Rangers game at Madison Square Garden and seated not far from where Jimmy Fallon was cheering on the team with his wife, Nancy Juvonen ... John Leguizamo and wife Justine walking their poodle ... Hilary Duff running errands near Union Square ... Liev Schreiber and Naomi Watts carrying coffee downtown ... Brad Pitt visiting Angelina Jolie on the set of Salt ... Rachel McAdams walking in the West Village ... America Ferrera, Michael Urie, and Becki Newton on the set of Ugly Betty ... John Goodman wandering around by himself ... and Arpad Busson leaving Uma Thurman's townhouse in the Village with her son Levon.

In a much needed antidote to the jealousy even those of us with minimal tech skills harbor toward people who have made a fortune inventing iPhone applications, many disgruntled developers are venting about how unfair it is that their apps didn't make it into the Apple store. On Wednesday, Apple dropped the "Baby Shaker"—users had to shake their phones to get a digital baby to stop crying; last year's "I Am Rich" app, which served no purpose but still cost $999, was initially accepted by Apple but then pulled shortly thereafter. So what other juvenile pleasures are iPhone users being denied by Apple's inscrutable screening process?

Today we have only two blind items, one about a gay actor who is a gay person, the other about an actor who has a nasty old Prince Albert.

David Kellerman, the Freddie Mac CFO who committed suicide this week, was told by HR to take some time off from work, shortly before he killed himself. The "job stress" scenario looks ever more likely.

The father of nine-year-old Slumdog Millionaire star Rubina Ali will not be charged with any crime for allegedly trying to sell her to undercover reporters for $300,000. Indian police couldn't track down the reporters.

If you're a Gossip Girl fan and you have no objection to spending your Friday afternoon in a sea of teenage girls at a mall in New Jersey, you may want to take note of this: "Gossip Girl cast member Jessica Szohr will be appearing at the Mall at Short Hills, Short Hills NJ today at 5pm! Come meet Jessica, Teen Vogue Editor-in-Chief Amy Astley and designer Vivienne Tam! The Teen Vogue Haute Spot is a concept retail store in the Mall at Short Hills. It's a place for girls to interact with various brands and themselves! See the hottest looks for Prom and test out the latest technology from HP including Vivienne Tam digital clutches and touch screen computers. Plus win a free HP digital clutch computer!"