Yes, this is partly our fault, this story having legs, but still: this man exists, and that is not our fault. He is the blogger who is exposing Barack Obama's scandalous Dijon obsession.

May 6 @ 8pm Ali Larter eating outside at Pastis with an older gentleman. No one seemed to notice her, she's just sittin' pretty.[Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com]

Joe the Plumber divorced the GOP this week, because he is in love with unwarranted attention. We should send him to Israel permanently, he could take down Likud in a month. [HuffPo]

Martha MacCallum used to be a CNBC hottie, but since 2004 she's been one of the Fox News blondes. Today Shepard Smith totally macked on her!

Molly, the heroic cow who escaped a Queens slaughterhouse yesterday, is now living with hippies who run a farm upstate where she can munch on "organic hay," reports City Room.

Kiefer Sutherland turned up at the 1st Precinct this afternoon in connection with that little headbutting incident the other night after the Costume Institute Gala. (The actor, who arrived armed with a dangerously pointy umbrella, was charged with misdemeanor assault and issued a desk appearance ticket.) Much more concerning, though, is that he seems to have created a very powerful enemy in the process.

Picture Martha Stewart sitting in the dark, unable to get anything accomplished. It's like the perfect metaphor for how Twitter fails to illuminate the lives of media people!

We honestly can't remember the last time we heard anyone use "Tommy Hilfiger" and "popular" in the same sentence. But maybe we're just talking to the wrong people. Tommy seems to think his brand is very quite popular, and it's nice to hear that someone has a healthy sense of self-esteem, particularly since so many people are down in the dumps these days. At the after-party for the new Jennifer Aniston movie Management the other night, Tommy explained to WWD that he's now in the "conceptual stage" of building his own chain of Hilfiger-branded hotels. Where will his first property be located? "We like America but we have great popularity all over the world," he explained. "I think we could put a hotel up in just about any major city." Which is true! At least if by "city," Tommy means "suburban strip mall with a McDonald's on one end and a Marshalls on the other." [WWD]

No one knows when Project Runway starts again (June? 2012?) or where it will be (something called "Lifetime"), but Bravo has kindly given us a knockoff, airing tonight.

Federal regulators say that ten of the 19 largest financial institutions in the U.S. will have to raise a combined $75 billion in capital by November. Does this strike you bad news? It shouldn't! "The results released today should provide considerable comfort to investors and the public," explained Fed chairman Ben Bernanke in a statement. Be sure to keep that in mind when you explain to your kids why they can't go to private school next year, and when you find yourself sunning yourself in Coney Island this summer because you couldn't afford a proper vacation. [NYT/Dealbook, Bloomberg]

Everyone has misunderstood why Google, from CEO Eric Schmidt on down, is cozying up to Barack Obama. It's not out of some likeminded geekiness. It's out of desperation and fear.

A Catholic priest in a sex scandal? Who cares, after everything we've already been through? Well this one is an attractive, popular man, caught with a not-underage woman. Let's condemn his normality!

Are you happy with yourselves, America? Satisfied yet? This is what you wanted, right? A bunch of thick, charmless white guys for your Top 3? Well you got it!

• CBS posted a first-quarter loss as the ad recession took its toll. [THR, NYT]
• News Corp. reported a 70 percent drop in quarterly profits. [LAT, B&C]
• Profit dropped by 46 percent at Warner Music during the same period. [PC]
• Sirius XM posted a $236 million quarterly loss and also announced that its number of subscribers declined for the first time ever. [AP]
• Cablevision plans to "explore" a spinoff of Madison Square Garden. [NYT]
• News Corp. chairman Rupert Murdoch says he plans to charge readers to access the online content of his newspapers in the near future. [E&P]
• The new Bob Dylan album is No. 1 on the charts this week. [THR]
• Felix Dennis says The Week is for sale. For just $200 million. [Folio]

In your survivalist Thursday media column: Domino staffers sell their swag, Boston Globe staffers give in, magazine staffers pull pranks, and more:

Plastic surgeons have come up with a totally novel plan to keep the industry afloat as interest in pricey procedures wanes thanks to the recession. They're going to start operating on black people! "We know by our statistics that this is a growing group by interest in plastic surgery," explains one doc to the Times. Naturally, you can expect to see a flood of subway ads touting $99.95 Botox injections in the near future. [NYT]

Oh no, everyone is being all mean to Carrie California because she is an idiot and she subscribes to some of the more popular bigotries! Lady should be thanking the Homosexualist Agenda.

If you wanted to imagine a topsy-turvy world where straight 19-year-old jock-nerds ran the media, just visit Digg. The site is so laden with antigay epithets that it automatically censors the word "homo" from headlines.

Spectacularly unpopular New School president Bob Kerrey will quit in two years. Building occupations work!

The Way We Live Now: At the bottom of a bucket metaphor. GM is burning up the money we all gave it as fast as humanly possible. Bread lines are lengthening. But something's still selling: