Charlie Crist is going to be your next closeted gay Republican Senator from Florida! Thanks to the liberal media! Adam Lambert should probably look into politics.

More than 45 percent of New York residents say "they don't feel so hot," according to a new survey. It's not because the temperature isn't as high as it normally would be this time of year, or because half of all New Yorkers are hypochondriacs and think they've come down with swine flu. It's because we're all stressed out—or that's what researchers think the culprit is, but since they didn't bother to test stress levels, they're not sure. Guess we'll all just have to wait and wonder (and not feel so hot). [Crain's]

Morgenstern runs Valor Equity Partners, which led a $40 million investment in Tesla in February 2008 and controls a seat on the board. The badly mismanaged electric-car startup quickly blew through Valor's money; by October, it was down to $9 million in cash. Despite raising more money from investors, Tesla is running on fumes, and collecting deposits for its Model S electric sedan, a car which exists only as a barely drivable quasi-prototype. Tesla requires hundreds of millions of dollars more than it has to make the Model S a reality — which is why Morgenstern's talk of new money is so interesting.

The Noel family was once the toast of Greenwich, Connecticut. Dad ran a hedge fund. Mom and the daughters were social queens. Now, they've reportedly been kicked out of their country club. An American tragedy:

It looks like the Noels haven't been banned from Greenwich's Round Hill Club, after all. Daily Intel spoke with the club's manager who assured them that the Noels remain members "in good standing," and also happen to be "very nice people." [Daily Intel]

Carrie Prejean, the Miss California who hates gay marriage and does porn, was pardoned today by Donald Trump. She'll keep her crown! But not before she gives a teary, terrible speech.

Bank of America has informed fired employees that they cannot accept job offers from competitors for three months unless they give up deferred compensation or waive their right to sue the bank. An outrageous demand, clearly, and certainly not the wisest PR move for the struggling bank. Although it's not as if it's going to pose much of a problem for most people given the likelihood of finding a new job in banking in three months or less is, oh, about nil. [Reuters]

[Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com] May 12 @ 11am There's a work stoppage at the essex hotel. mr. penn happened to be there filming a movie, saw his brothers and sisters protesting.

Meet Kevin Patterson, the 32-year-old employee of a real estate development firm, who earned top honors from apartmenttherapy.com for having "New York's smallest, coolest apartment." It's 210-square-feet and it costs $1,550 a month. [NYDN]

The Way We Live Now: Illiquidly. Forget "banks" or "cash." The government has nothing. It's everyone for themselves now. Even the Gotti family is dumping its worldly goods and stockpiling sweet, sweet cows.

Oh look. The CW built us a time machine. And, hey, a date's already programmed in. It says "sometime in the 1980's." Huh. That's sorta vague and unfocused. Oh well. Let's step in.

• Jim Dolan's Cablevision says that Newsday is not for sale, which is good since there isn't a company on the planet that wants to buy it. [E&P]
• David Geffen made an offer to acquire the stake in the New York Times Co. controlled by Phil Falcone's Harbinger fund; Harbinger passed. [Fortune]
• The mood isn't too upbeat at the Cannes Film Festival, unsurprisingly. [THR]
• 60 Minutes' segment on Anna Wintour should air this Sunday. [Gawker]
• As of the publishing biz didn't have enough to worry about, "web pirates" are now posting copies of books on the Internet. [NYT]
• Anderson Cooper's ratings have been on the decline all year. [LAT]
• OK! appears to be dissolving into chaos. [ASSME, Gawker]

So Carrie California has been saved. Carrie Prejean, Miss California USA, was granted a pardon by the benevolent Donald Trump, even though she has tits and hates homosexuals and stood to lose her precious crown.

If it makes you feel any better, the new trend is hippies breeding new strains of deadly viruses in their closets:

So who told George Stephanopoulos this nutty story about the secret plan to sabotage the John Edwards campaign? Because no one will admit to it.

This coming Sunday CBS's 60 Minutes will air its last show before going on summer hiatus. Presumably that means the profile it's been preparing on Vogue editor Anna Wintour will finally air.

Disgraced lawyer Marc Dreier pleaded guilty yesterday to a long list of charges and he may face life in prison when he's sentenced on July 13. In the meantime, though, it's time to celebrate! Today is Dreier's 59th birthday, and not even the prospect of spending the rest of his life in the clink can take that away from him. Even better: The judge allowed him to return to his massive Midtown apartment last night, where he's under house arrest and watched over by guards who cost Dreier $23,000 a month.

Ivy League-educated attorney Marc Dreier pleaded guilty yesterday to scamming various investors out of "at least" $400 million. Then he left court and returned to his $10 million condo. Being rich is nice!

If you're planning a wild weekend in London in the near future, you may not want to indulge in any casual drug use while you're there. Not only has the price of cocaine skyrocketed in Europe in recent months, it's also the least pure it's been in years, as drug dealers stretch their supplies by mixing in the cancer-causing drug phenacetin, cockroach insecticide, and "pet worming powder." On the flip side, this means swarms of Eurotrash will continue to make New York City home to their coke-fueled escapades. But at least our drug dealers won't need a government bailout and that's good news, right? [BBC]

Hipster movies are made, as are ones about the depraved world of small town Texas. Which are sorta hipster in their own right. Bad news for David E. Kelley, which is good news for us.