The Philadelphia Inquirer is a bankrupt paper run by a greedy Republican flack. They're going to save themselves by hiring America's most unpopular and/ or idiotic Republicans as columnists:

Roberto Cavalli spent the weekend "dancing in the desert" in Dubai. Why? The permatanned Italian just opened what he calls "the first designer club in the Middle East," that's why. The Cavalli Club, which cost $30 million to construct, includes an "opulent" Italian restaurant, sushi bar, and nightclub, and features "floors made of black quartz, 20-foot-high ceilings dripping with Swarovski crystals and furnishings in his trademark animal prints." The launch also seems to coincide with a new life philosophy. A month ago, he told a reporter he was actually kind of happy that the world was in the middle of a recession, since "too many people were making too much money." Now? He wants to "give a sign of optimism for the future." Consider the message received. [WWD]

Gary Reback worked at Bear Stearns until the bank crumbled last year and, like thousands of others, he was laid off. Yesterday, Reback filed a lawsuit against the firm and the bank that acquired Bear Stearns, JPMorgan Chase, for denying him the $2 million bonus and $1.1 million severance package he insists he's entitled to. The unusual suit didn't earn him much sympathy from the press. (The first sentence of a Post article called him a "bonus crybaby".) But clearly times are tough for Reback.

The recession wants you to stop doing coke, Sniffy Smith. In Europe, at least, coke prices are up, purity is down, and you've spent half your paycheck on a bag that's 91% "pet worming powder."

Robert Gates demanded the resignation of General David McKiernan, America's top general in Afghanistan. So McKiernan is probably gay. Or an Atheist. Gates prefers a guy who helped cover up Pat Tillman's death. [WP]

Uma Thurman on a school field trip with son Levon and his classmates ... Brooke Shields getting out of a cab with her mom and daughter ... Justin Timberlake going to lunch at Bubby's ... Hugh Jackman jogging to a playground with daughter Ava ... Regis Philbin walking into ABC studios ... Jerry Seinfeld filming a commercial on Long Island ... David Schwimmer and girlfriend Zoe Buckman holding hands in the West Village ... Kelly Bensimon getting in a taxi outside a screening ... Geoffrey Rush walking around in Midtown ... Jennifer Aniston getting out of an SUV ... director Phillip Noyce leaving lunch with his wife and baby ... and Kieifer Sutherland walking in the West Village.

[Jessica Biel and her boyfriend, Justin Timberlake, out in New York last night; image via INF]

Today we have a big-breastuhted lady who is given cocaine by charities, some foul-mouthed drama on the set of a drama, and an actress who couldn't turn her baby into cash.

It can't be that often that priests have a chance to do some good for the world, can it? Well Father Alberto Cutié, the Miami celebripriest and admitted woman-liker, does. And he's shirking his duty.

Kelly Bensimon hasn't signed up to do another season of the Real Housewives of New York yet. But she'd like to! (The cash, we imagine, might come in handy, especially since she's having a bit of trouble unloading her house in the Hamptons.) "It was a really, really fun process," she tells People today before explaining that joining the cast this year was a bit like "diving" into a "shark tank." (Shark tanks are "fun" in Kelly's world, apparently.) As for what you can expect to see if Kelly returns to the show next year, she tells the mag that she wants people "to see the real Kelly." The real Kelly? Does this mean actual physical violence will be involved? Here's hoping! [People]

Bernie Madoff was kicked out of the Palm Beach Country Club a couple of months ago, as we first reported. Now it looks like the Walter and Monica Noel are facing the same sort of rejection. A tipster tells Guest of a Guest that the disgraced family has been booted from Greenwich's Round Hill Club. Update here. [GoaG]

• Tim Grumbacher, the executive chairman and former CEO of Bon-Ton department stores, and his wife Nancy have finally managed to unload their co-op at 1133 Fifth Avenue, albeit at a loss. The couple purchased the three-bedroom apartment for $10.9 million in 2006 and first listed for $19.5 million last May, later dropping the price on three occasions. Now it's been sold for less than they paid for it: Matthew and Julie Richardson picked it up for $10.25 million. [Cityfile]
• The townhouse at 11 East 74th Street, which has undergone five price cuts since it was first listed for $25 million in 2007 (and was going up for auction this week), has been pulled off the market now that its owners have accepted an offer on the manse. [NYO]

May 11 @ 730pm Mickey Rourke was working out at Equinox wearing what can only be described as a Juicy Couture track suit for men.[Submit your own Gawker Stalker sightings to stalker@gawker.com]

Spotlight-seeking architect Daniel Libeskind turns 63 today. The one and only Yogi Berra is turning 84. Actor Gabriel Byrne is 59. Painter Frank Stella is turning 73. Skateboarding king Tony Hawk is 41. Former Clinton advisor (and now cable commentator) Paul Begala is turning 48. The man who heads up homeland security for the state, Michael Balboni, is 50. Literary agent Amy Berkower is turning 55. Stephen Baldwin is 43. Actor Jason Biggs is 31. Emilio Estevez is 47. Composer Burt Bacharach is turning 81. Actress Samantha Mathis is turning 39. And Kim Fields, who will forever be known as Tootie from the The Facts of Life, is celebrating her 40th.

More Carrie Prejean topless photos have emerged, real topless photos, Bob Barker and Betty White are about to kill each other over an elephant, and Nick Cannon is sick of Eminem talking about Mariah.

• Brooke Shields can't seem to make up her mind about who's to blame for the Kiefer Sutherland-Jack McCollough incident last week. A few days ago, her reps denied she'd been pushed by Jack. But now she says he did bump into her, and that Kiefer "has always been a gentleman" with her. Go figure. [TMZ, NYDN]
• Madonna took her kids to a Mets game on Mother's Day, which was all part of a plan to make Alex Rodriguez jealous, apparently. Also, the singer/diehard baseball fan sat in Jerry Seinfeld's seats and hung out with the Anderson Cooper the whole time, just so you know. [P6]
• More topless photos of Carrie Prejean have surfaced online. [TMZ]
• Barbara Walters wore the same dress to the Time 100 gala and the White House Correspondents' Dinner. The horror! [TMZ]
• Maya Rudolph and PT Anderson are expecting their second child. [People]

Accessories Make the (Naked) Man [Getty Images Blog]

• Bank of America sold off a $7.3 billion stake in China Construction Bank as it seeks to raise cash. Good news: only $26.6 billion to go! [DB]
• Andrew Cuomo is expected to announce that Hank Morris has pleaded guilty in the pension fund probe and will be cooperating with the investigation. [WSJ]
• Citigroup has lent out the same amount it's taken from Washington ($45 billion), a sign that Vikram may have a heart, after all. [AP, Dealbreaker]
• AIG's Ed Liddy will defend his company's rep in front of a Congressional panel today. At the very least, he can report the busted insurance giant is $1.2 billion richer now that it's sold off its Tokyo headquarters. [WSJ, DB]

Yesterday we told you about ex-New Yorker scribe Dan Baum using Twitter to tell the story of his hiring and firing at the magazine. On Monday he filed the second chapter of his Tweet-narrative.