Oh dear. Hustler has produced the inevitable: Lindsay Lohan-based parody porn. The Untrue Hollywood Stories installment (trailer is PG-13 but the ads on Fleshbot are decidedly NSFW) follows Lilo's ruined trajectory (including a Sam Ronson lookalike!).

Thoth was allegedly "shut down by the city" because he couldn't go along and get along in their world. Their world is shaped like a box, and they want all the little people to fit into the box all nice and tidy. But Thoth's world was shaped like a loincloth, and he chose to whirl his world around, scandalously, while dressed like an extra from Last of the Mohicans who sings like an extra from Amadeus. And that wasn't something The Man could fit into their tidy little box. The New York Post explains how it all went down:

With the stink of celebrity deaths and recession wafting around us, we need a restorative figure of youth. A symbol of American virility. A man who, despite his antiquated views of women and Jews, can make America feel giddy again.

Felix Dennis is publishing's wild man! How is the former Maxim publisher and admitted (then hastily retracted!) murderer keeping himself busy these days?

"Cut your finger? Hurt your leg? Start swearing. It might lessen the pain. Researchers from the school of psychology at Britain's Keele University have found swearing can make you feel better as it can have a 'pain-lessening effect,' according to a study published in the journal NeuroReport." You'll find some inspiration—not that you need any, of course—in the video above. Just be sure to turn down your speakers if you happen to be at work. [Reuters]

Real estate developer Harry Macklowe certainly hasn't had an easy year or two, that's for sure. But it's nice to his sense of humor remains intact. Macklowe can now be seen reciting a joke on the website OldJewsTellingJokes.com. And that's no joke. [NYO]

Would you like an image of Bernie Madoff hung over your bed like some sort of reverse dreamcatcher? The Ponzi Ponce's former secretary is auctioning off a photo described in her Vanity Fair tell-all. Bernie gave it to her personally!

In your tragic Tuesday media column: the ad slump is *almost* over, the NYT Co. sells its classical music station, an act of God stops Bob Woodruff in Iraq, and a eulogy for a murdered Complex magazine intern.

And you thought one of the silver linings of the economic downturn was that it was sending really silly companies out of business. Pet Airways, the "first-ever all-pet airline," took off from Republic Airport on Long Island for the first time today. The airline, which plans to operate in five U.S. cities, is now offering one-way tickets for about $250. The perks, however, are hard to beat. Pets get escorted to the plane by attendants who will check on the animals every 15 minutes once they're in the air. The pets are given pre-boarding walks and bathroom breaks, and there's even a "Pet Lounge" at the airport for "future fliers to wait and sniff before flights." If your dog has been begging to get away from his/her owner for little summer getaway, consider yourself fresh out of excuses. [AP]

Lizzie Grubman, lobster-faced PR woman and runner-over-of regular people, once had an assistant named Robert Rave. That since-disillusioned young man has now published a roman à clef about a boy working for a fearsome PR dragon. We've got a manuscript!

People appreciate of corporate flexibility in a recession. Fire people, hire them back, God bless you. But keep firing and hiring in an endless cycle, and people are liable to think you're as sadistic as Yahoo.

Dash Snow, who died last night at the age of 27, took Polaroids, wrote graffiti, made collages and installations, and jacked off on newspapers (and was aware of how that was perceived). A dozen of his artworks, below.

Stephen Colbert e-mailed Gov. Mark Sanford's office—in character!—last month at the height of the media frenzy surrounding the governor's disappearance, inviting him on the show "for a friendly place to make light" of the story.

We know you've been wondering, "Why aren't there more romantic comedies inspired by Norse mythology?" Well, we have good news! There's also some news about the reclusive Jackson Family and Mel Gibson in a Beaver suit. To The Jump!

Lucas van Praag, Goldman Sachs' head of corporate communications, was kind enough to get back to us a few minutes ago as to whether Goldman CEO Lloyd Blankfein had any plans to live it up given the firm's blow-out of a second-quarter. Alas, the Dom will not be flowing at Le Cirque tonight, it seems. Says van Praag:

Dash Snow's grandmother confirms he died by heroin overdose last night. [NYT]

[Pizza-delivering Anne Hathaway eating at Gemma today; image via Splash]

• The New York Times Co. is selling its classical radio station WQXR to WNYC Radio and Univision as part of a "complex deal." One thing that isn't complex: The sale will pump a much-needed $45 million into the paper's coffers. [NYT]
• Is Rupert Murdoch planning to buy the Daily News from Mort Zuckerman? That's what some are suggesting, although Mort is denying it. [DailyFinance]
• McGraw-Hill shouldn't expect to make much from the sale of BusinessWeek. In fact, the company may be forced to give the magazine away. [FT]
• Neil Patrick Harris has signed on to host this year's Emmy Awards. [NYDN]
• Russell Brand will be the host of the MTV Video Music Awards. [Vulture]

Some joker slipped some pornography into an Austin Powers video at a Brooklyn public library, and a grandma was shocked when she rented it. "Ha," you might exclaim, in reaction. NYC's most objectionable assemblyman objects to your "unbelievable chutzpah"!

Carol Bartz is going to be out for two weeks. The surly Yahoo CEO is having her leg surgically enhanced so she can kick ass even harder; why are the rest of you peons just sitting around, on your butts??