Not surprising, but it looks like lobbyists are having homeless guys wait out lines on Capital Hill for them. This sounds like an old, unspoken trick not really worth mentioning, except CNN had someone on camera talking openly about it.

American Idol charming kook Paula Abdul has not, we repeat, NOT received a contract for next season, which starts shooting in, um, three weeks. Is it the end of television? Will FOX fold? It's Armageddon!

The Post reports that 300 old school, "Heil Hitler" Nazis lurk in America, doing monstrosities like retiring in Michigan and tending flowers in Queens. Meanwhile, new school Nazis spread seeds of hate by makin' sweet love to Israeli women.

Speaking of munchies, did you know today was National Ice Cream Day? This is apparently Ronald Reagan's fault. Go out and get yourself a tasty confection. Then read this old NYT letter to the editor and laugh. Oh, and this:

Every week, Cindy Adams puts out her Page Six gossip column, which we all love for its general old-school Manhattan eccentricity. But this one is just...unreal. Has she lost her shit? Contained herein: dogs sniffing butts, "humanoids," and the Hamptons.

The most silent victims of crime busts: dogs. Poor pups get executed by rabid cops who shoot first, bark questions last. Now, Maryland cops have to report to the governor's office whenever they kill a pooch. [Daily Beast]

In a groveling open letter, Gov. Mark Sanford calls his whole affair his "funeral," negating all the warm fuzzies his sultry Argentinian shoved-under-the-rug soulmate felt from his love letters. Those flames of love burn, baby, burn.

Drug addictions and rehab trips have - as much drugs themselves - been trendy forever. But what about weed addictions? The Times' Sunday Styles' 'bout to get all High Times on us and investigate. Bongs out, bowls packed? Blaze away!

World Savior, Futuristic Superhero, and pioneer in the field of Mononames, Bono, dished last night on a BBC show a nice little anecdote: he dodged a hug from George W. Bush, once, and Obama was there to congratulate him.

In today's Times Magazine, former restaurant critic Frank Bruni vomits up a lot verbiage to describe how he'd purge his meals Roman-style in an effort to eat more, at the age of 1! Whoa, this is one bloated cover story.

Jon, Kate, and the Cabal of 8 hit the streets of New York and their crew's already beefing with people. Also, Robert Pattinson's a shitty tipper, 50 Cent's a shitty real estate buyer, Mischa Barton's sad and crazy. Happy Sunday!

Jesus. Two San Francisco MUNI light rail trains collided earlier this afternoon; officials are counting over 44 to 60 injured.

Oh, Alessandra Stanley. As far as newspaper idols go, you're my dreamboat. I loved your shoot-first, fact-check-over-the-dead-body-last approach to writing, but then you stopped doing it. But coming back to old-school-you over Walter Cronkite's appraisal? You're the prodigal-daughter of error.

The World's Oldest Man died at age 113 today in what we hope is not a publicity stunt to steal Walter Cronkite's thunder. His secret to longevity? Tons of smoking, boozing and sexing up the ladies. They all say that!

There's an old joke about the difference between prostitution and sex being that you're paying someone to go away in the morning. That said, if you're married to Swedish countess Marie Douglas-David, it officially costs $50M to kick her out.

Episcopalians may implode on themselves in bloody civil war. As the only religion to step into the 21st Century, the U.S. Episcopal Church has declared Hell Yes to blessing same-sex unions. The global church is a-gonna raise hell.

Cops busted the teenage punk behind a Fight Club-aping Upper East Side Starbucks bombing that was like a bad issue of Adbusters come to life. Well, happy endings: he got what he wanted in prison: punched. Also, Starbucks and booze?

The owner of a British manor house is stunned when recent renters host a masked ball that turns orgiastic, and Oprah's gala cruise for her staff turns into a floating bathhouse. Ah, the summer of love...

Roundups of Cronkite-death reactions are bound to include the President's personal memories, and Dan Abrams trashing personal memories. Also, Shaq's sword, Clooney's sad, Jeff Jarvis is so over this, Sarah Palin's rainbows, and Kelly Bundy has something to say.

Eking out a 16th minute, housefrump-turned-household-name Susan Boyle sits with Today to voice soundbits with all the enthusiasm of a funeral director. Once more, with feeling, Suze! And Cowell, send her to Lee Strasberg, stat!