A couple weeks ago, Fox & Friends' disgruntled hedgehog Brian Kilmeade dumbly implied that inter-culture marriages aren't pure. And a lot of people got mad! So this morning, back from a relaxing vacay in Bermuda or something, he apologized.

The Way We Live Now: Stereotypically. Cops are stealing donuts. Other things are happening too, but cops are stealing donuts. Come on, guys.

Chelsea Clinton is not marrying that "Marc Mezvinsky banker guy," according to Cindy Adams, who learns lots of stuff when she "weekends" in the Hamptons with Palin-obsessed Scientologist power couple John Coale and Greta van Susteren.

So an Army vet re-enlisted for the express purpose of refusing to go to Afghanistan because President Obama is not a citizen. Now his insane lawyer says she has 170 other soldiers who feel the same way!

It's being turned into a movie by Aaron Sorkin, but Ben Mezrich's book about the creation of Facebook is apparently as badly written as a typical status update on Facebook. Janet Maslin's New York Times review is unsparing.

The spectrum of Fake Ass Jobs extends from jobs that are totally useless and made up (branding consultants, "generational consultants") to, on the other end, jobs that sound useful, but are actually borderline-criminal scams. Hello, "Independent College Counselor"!

"The Family," a fundamentalist Christian sect founded by 1930s right-wingers, owns a townhouse for congressmen in DC. Lots of those Congressmen have been cheating on their wives. So now people keep paying too much attention to this secretive, Mafia-inspired group.

The 2009 Mercedes-Benz Polo Challenge held its inaugural match at the Bridgehampton Polo Club on Saturday. Polo heartthrob Nacho Figueras, Chace Crawford, chef Marcus Samuelsson, Kyle MacLachlan and Desiree Gruber, Star Jones and boyfriend Herb Wilson, and a handful of reality TV personalities (Jill Zarin, PC Peterson, Kourtney Kardashian) turned out for the action. Cityfile's roving correspondent Douglas Marshall took a few minutes to catch up with Beth Ostrosky, who turned 37 last week but gets a gold star for still fitting into her short shorts from high school.

Preparing to leave Park Slope, my 'hood of two years, next week, I'm reminded this morning of how silly/wonderful a place it can be. Its members-only supermarket, the Park Slope Food Co-Op? Makes everyone work. Even celebrities, like Adrian Grenier!

So Brüno dropped a perilous 73% in ticket sales this weekend, basically meaning that America has forgotten about Sacha Baron Cohen's Austrian fashion reporter (who's gay!!!!) alter ego. Well, one American hasn't. That brain-damaged lady is still suing.

Matt Drudge is pointing out that the stimulus package actually went to purchase pork and other crazy things like food by linking to some contracts on the Recovery.gov web site. We spent $5.7 million on "process cheese"? Crazy! Why?

Well-played, Onion tipsters: That rumor we heard last week about a possible Onion buyout announcement Monday? It was insiders who lulled us into promoting their new we're-selling-out-to-China issue.

If you come home one evening to find your doorman's disappeared and he's been replaced with a camera overhead, congrats: Your cheapo landlord has decided to outsource your doorman. It seems some cash-strapped developers are looking to reduce costs and lure in buyers with lower common charges by installing virtual doormen—"staffers sitting in command centers as far away as Florida who can buzz guests and deliveries into buildings at a fraction of the cost of a regular doorman." They can't protect you in the event a homicidal maniac tries to follow you into your building, of course. And they can't open the door for you when you arrive home in a taxi on a cold winter night. Then again, when's the last time you saw a real live doorman do that? [NYP]

Ah, the September Issues—when fashion magazines sell more ads than any other month, and staffers gorge themselves on parsley, in celebration. How are the September ad sales looking this year? Not too fab. Especially for Vogue.

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[Reality star Whitney Port in Miami Beach; image via INF]

Bernie Madoff is adjusting comfortably to life in the North Carolina hick prison which will be his home for the rest of his days. He can take the bad food and the shitty job; but one thing makes Bernie weep.

Today we have a young actress with interesting job interview techniques, a derelict ad exec, a secretly gay "princeling", a band of lady-slayin' brothers, a disrespectful husband, and another actress who interviews for jobs in a... physical way.

It's been a week since Bernie Madoff settled in at the federal prison complex in Butner, NC, the penitentiary that will be his home for the next century or so. How's he doing? So far, so good. Although some of his fellow prisoners have been "discussing beating him up to boost their jailhouse reputations"—they actually debate these things in advance?—they've resisted the urge up until now, mainly because they've been "impressed" that he hasn't ratted out the people who helped him carry out his scheme.

Anne Hathaway walking in the East Village with boyfriend Adam Shulman, and later shopping in SoHo with a friend (left) ... Matt Damon leaving dinner at Da Silvano ... Jennifer Lopez shooting scenes for her new movie ... Robert Pattinson walking downtown ... comedian Robert Klein walking with his girlfriend on the Upper East Side ... Pierce Brosnan hanging out on the set of Remember Me ... Jon Gosselin standing outside Accademia di Vino on Third Avenue with Star reporter Kate Major ... Nicolas Sarkozy and Carla Bruni arriving at the Carlyle... and David Beckham leaving his hotel.