The intellectualization of Michael Jackson as icon starts in earnest today with The New Yorker theater critic Hilton Als' queer theory read on his career in The New York Review of Books. The only problem is, Jackson wasn't gay.

Noted Globalization advocate, flip-floppy war monger, and all around pompous blowhard know-it-all Thomas Friedman, author of The World Is Flat, has a ballin' ass house. It leaves a big carbon footprint and it's ugly as sin. But why?

Every time we think it'd be smart to rent out our apartment while we're away on vacation, we remember one of the horror stories we've heard. This one involves black sludge, fake tanner, and America's Next Top Model's CariDee English!

Have you seen the viral video of the wedding party from Minnesota dancing down the aisle to their nuptials? Well, they went on The Today Show and recreated it. How awkward was it? And has Chris Brown's career been saved?

Alexis Cohen, who cursed her way into the spotlight after being rejected from American Idol was struck by a car and killed. Police are investigating the case as a homicide. Let's hope Cowell has an alibi.

Former Star reporter Kate Major's definitely one kind of whore, the other, not so sure. Whorebaiting gov'nuhs, too! Walter Cronkite, here? Yeah. Also: Frank McCourt. Paris Hilton, the Chelsea Hotel, some Indie Rock FAIL. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Sort it out over booze, the old American way, right? Obama offered both Henry Louis Gates and the cop who arrested him to the White House for a beer. Gates - the Ivy Leauge African American studies scholar - accepted.

Word from Comic-Con is that Warner Bros. has made a live-action version of Akira, the granddaddy of all anime, a "priority project." We smell another Watchmen in the making. And remember how well that went. [iFMagazine]

Housewives come and housewives go, and Bethenny Frankel has graduated from the Real Housewives of New York to her own reality show. Who will they ever find to replace her? Well, we have some opinions on the matter.

So: with the announcement that Jon Gosselin is considering having his own solo gig, I asked our commenters this morning what we should name it. They responded. We have nominees, and a winner. TV Producers: listen close.

David Letterman and Sarah Palin haven't had the kindest relationship, as he made a joke about her daughter and statutory rape (whoops) and she called for him to more or less be fired. He sent her off last night.

God. Damn. As both an incredible commentary on where MTV has gone and how far Julia Allison's managed to take herself, we present to you Ms. Julia Allison's MTV debut, on Alexa Chung's new show.

NYT: "Scientists Worry Machines May Outsmart Man." James Cameron: "TOLD YOU SO."

Not even three weeks after his son's funeral, Joe Jackson is sullying our fair city with his partying ways. The Beyoncé concert and the Hard Rock Café are not safe. What institution with an accent in the title is next?

The nightly news loves stories about trannies. People think they're odd and don't understand them and don't want to talk to them. Just like old people! This story about a 77-year-old transgender woman is going to freak everyone out!

There's a rumor going around that one of Scientology's most powerful proponents, John Travolta, is looking to leave the draconian religion once and for all. After the year he's had, it would make sense.

E. Lynn Harris, who found unlikely success writting books about black gay men, passed away in Los Angeles on Thursday. The cause of death is still unknown.

Monkey Bar is Graydon Carter's Exclusive Lair of the Famous and Awesome. It's so exclusive, even NY Times dining critic Frank Bruni had a tough time getting in. You know who didn't? Levi Johnston. And two of his bodyguards.

They like sci-fi! They wear costumes! They play with light sabers! They saw The X-Files movie in the theater! Yes, every year people freak out when they found out that Comic-Con is full of freaks.

All hell's gonna break loose on Martha's Vineyard at the end of August when (1) the Obama family descends on the quiet East Coast getaway for two weeks and (2) Chelsea Clinton's wedding goes down. So: where're they living?