I'm not a huge Oprah fan, but there's something about Jay-Z and Oprah walking around the Marcy Projects right now, chatting about whatever, that's really quite wonderful. In other news, thanks, Oprah, for stealing my dream profile assignment. H8Uagain. [RapRadar]

Bill O'Reilly's trying to charm audiences, especially since his war with tangentially opposed blowhard Keith Olbermann escalated. There was the Obama birthday wish, and the equal (photo) opportunity accompanying it. But this has been underway for a while, now.

Allen Salkin - the Seymour Hersh of the Styles section - files this weekend on a group of media writers in New York who're meeting in an Murray Hill (?!) penthouse. Old school, but the rub? No twittering, blogging, oversharing.

All good things come, ha, to ends. In pop culture, canonizations are routinely bestowed by porn. Meet the comedic genius that's TMSleaze, starring Ron Jeremy as Harvey Levin. Featuring Speidi, Jessica Simpson/Tony Romo, Amy Winehouse, American Idol, Eminem, and LaLohan.

Pay attention: you will learn about a project called "American Sandwich," mumblecore filmmaker Andrew Bujalski's new film, a dumb joke about Do The Right Thing, somewhat profound insight, and this line on Goldman Sachs. Remember to breathe while reading. [n+1]

The former American Idol judge's job offer, Jessica Simpson's training for Hell Week. Bloomberg likes Shiksas, Gerard Butler likes dumb chicks. Paris Jackson's biological father? Lady Gaga: still ridiculous, no word on her penis. Presenting your Sunday Morning Gossip Roundup:

SoHo House, why're you so cruel? The Manhattan country club thriving on envy of an "elite" membership will crack down on violators of their draconian policies/culture eugenics! Suits are neit wanted. Neither are real books, which they intend to imprison.

A prematurely born baby: died, given a death certificate, had funeral arrangements made for him. Then he started crying from his box. Also, I read the tag on the linked post as "Old Stuff," which - LOLZ - terrible. [Guanabee]

Want to know how awesome starlets Lily Allen and Kate Moss stay in shape? This isn't a joke about blowcaine! You can do it, too. Kate and Lily took the most awesome Rock Chick vacay ev-ah and looked awesome. How?

Ardent defender of their words and content, the Associated Press is now taking their talk to the streets! Where are their photo editors are trolling for pictures of today's crash these days?

A 47 year-old British drug cop nicknamed "Robocop" died of a heroin overdose. He had ecstasy and cocaine in his system as well. He had no previous offenses on his record and was an otherwise clean police officer. [The Sun]

Mayor Bloomberg issued a statement on today's helicopter-plane collision over the Hudson. He called the crash something "we do not believe was survivable." Bloomberg's presser, an aviation expert's theory, and a supposed picture of the water impact, after the jump.

Unemployment sucks, and Sarah Palin's learning this the hard way. She took to Facebook yesterday for the first time since resigning to call Barack Obama's health care plan "downright evil." She has yet to "Poke" Joe Biden. [NY Post]

Enormous-mouthed lead singer of seminal Boston rock band Aerosmith (sorry, Boston, the band), Steven Tyler, fell off a stage while performing a crazy twirly dance. His other daughter, Mia, released a PR statement to TMZ last night. This is classic:

Woah: it's being reported that a small plane and a helicopter have crashed over the Hudson River. NY1 and CNN have the story, we'll be updating as we get more. The Twitteratti are all over this. Update: Bloomberg's statement.

Sonia Sotomayor rocked history books today when she was sworn in as the 111th Associate Justice of the United States, and the first Hispanic to do it. Let's look back at how she got here, and how people are celebrating:

G.I. Joe wasn't screened for critics because Paramount wanted to market the movie to Middle Amerikkka without being judged. Critical reviews are finally coming in. They're going to be bad, it's just a matter of how bad. And how bad?

Madonna regrets breaking up with Guy Ritchie because she's bored schtupping young men. Kate Major's still talking, for some reason, about Jon Gosselin. Leighton Meester went shopping and the SWAT team was called in. Here's your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Satan made George W. Bush invade Iraq; Barack Obama made White Sox hats cool and Kirstie Alley was thoroughly entertained by the National Enquirer. There are no such things as strange bedfellows, to the Twitterati.

We killed it dead! Let's look back at a week of stories shamelessly stolen from hard-working real reporters, some of which you might've read during the ten minutes our servers were functioning.