The Week We Killed Journalism

We killed it dead! Let's look back at a week of stories shamelessly stolen from hard-working real reporters, some of which you might've read during the ten minutes our servers were functioning.

• First, we killed journalism. But we had help! From MSNBC, for example: they are infested with publicists. (Poor Keith! His mom died!) And Conde killed all their receptionists and bankrupted Annie Leibovitz. Oh and something killed Twitter.
• Journalism may be dead, but Fox lives on.
• The naked Wall Street guy was a guy from a movie, sadly.
• Poor Ruth Madoff! Poor everyone, this week!
• Wouldn't it be neat if someone got George W. Bush to admit how much of a stupid jerk he is, on the TV? Don't hold your breath.
• One man who is doing everything he can to save journalism is Glenn Beck, the most talented and charming man on television. He is famous for his hilarious "characters," like this week's "murderer of Nancy Pelosi" character.
• Paparazzi in DC! Paul Janka in Paris! Sarah Palin at Michael's! What a topsy-turvy world.
• Sherlock Holmes is maybe kinda gay, maybe.
• You know, Paula was crazy comic relief and far too nice to everyone and she mad overpraised all male contestants she was attracted to, but this is still sad news. Because she was not as useless as Randy and not as asinine and idiotic as the New One, and Simon's contempt and boredom and increasingly shameless pimping of contestants who fit into his anachronistic and UK charts-centric conception of pop is embarrassing.
• Scientology got new uniforms that would look great on sexy math nerds or unattractive American Apparel employees.
• The Green Party has the bomb.
• Bill Clinton rescued those ladies that Kim Jong-il kidnapped. It was pretty sweet.
• But no one will rescue Michael Cera from typecasting :(
• NBC fired the people whose job it was was to convince people to watch NBC. Journalism: saved?
• Movie-maker John Hughes died. The Youngs do not know that it was actually Not Cool to like him, in the '80s. But now we are grownups, and we can agree that Randy Quaid is hilarious.