Some of those crazy contraptions at the gym can be scary, but not as scary as a macho movie star who like stow off his own equipment. Also dirty tween stars, cheating actresses, and doing the butt (sexy, sexy).

A lady named Sheryl Weinstein—who helped a charity sink $40 million into Bernie Madoff's funds—is writing a book about her (sordid?) affair with Bernie. The big winner here: Ruth Madoff.

• Stephen Daldry, the director of The Hours, The Reader, and the Broadway production of Billy Elliot, The Musical, has picked up a new home: He paid $3.8 million for a five-floor townhouse in Chelsea. Daldry clearly has some work ahead of him. The 4,600-square-foot property located at 347 West 21st Street is currently configured as a three-unit house, according to the listing, and is in need of renovation. But he scored a pretty decent discount in the process. The home had been on the market for $4.775 million. [Cityfile, Corcoran]
• Actress Kristen Johnston has found a buyer for her duplex at 296 West 10th Street, just one month after she first put it on the market. The two-bedroom apartment with solarium and terrace had been listed for $1.795 million when it went into contract late last month. [Cityfile, Corcoran]
• Real estate mogul Aby Rosen has raised the price of his townhouse at 3 East 94th Street. Rosen purchased the 11,700-square-foot manse for $8.8 million in 2005 and first listed it for $29.5 million in September 2008. He chopped the price down to $23.75 million in February. Now it's $1 million more expensive. The luxe home is currently listed for $24.75 million. [Cityfile, 3E94th]

It was five years ago yesterday that Jim McGreevey announced he was "a gay American," and said he was resigning as New Jersey's governor. What's he up to now? He's studying divinity and spends free time volunteering at a church in Harlem, and he tells the Star-Ledger that he's made peace with the past. ("I'm grateful for my brokenness. I'm grateful for my humility.") Also, as you probably could have guessed, he had a pretty good idea for how Eliot Spitzer was feeling during his sex scandal last March: "I felt pain for his family, and I prayed for his family, and I knew that he would once again discover productive service as he has. He's an incredibly bright, capable individual and he will continue to serve in different ways." [NJ.com via Gothamist]

Sherri Shepherd tried to religionize Andy Dick, Heidi claims Spencer makes her orgasm 20-30 times a day, the George Clooney gay rumors are back, Nick Lachey is lonely, Lindsay Lohan scored an acting gig and Mischa Barton has cellulite.

Your favorite art-collecting, Greenwich-living, publicity-shunning hedge fund billionaire, Steve Cohen (left), turns 53 today. New York's most famous drag queen, Lady Bunny (right), is turning 47. Marcia Gay Harden is 50. Photographer Terry Richardson is turning 44. Halle Berry turns 43. Steve Martin is 64. Oscar-winning composer James Horner is turning 56. Tony-winning playwright Thomas Meehan turns 80. Magic Johnson is 50. Actress Mila Kunis is 26. Susan Saint James, the actress and wife of NBC Sports chairman Dick Ebersol, is turning 63. Musician David Crosby is 68. E! host and Top Model regular Jay Manuel is turning 37. And romance novelist Danielle Steel is celebrating her 62nd birthday today. Weekend birthdays are below.

• Olympic swimmer Michael Phelps got into a car accident in Baltimore last night, but there were no serious injuries reported. [NYDN]
• The father of Khloe Kardashian's baby is her on-again, off-again boyfriend, Scott Disick. She was hoping to keep the info a secret to get people to tune into her upcoming reality show, but then her sister Kim ruined the surprise. [P6]
• Don't be surprised if you hear Mischa Barton's checked herself into the hospital again. She's been out, oh, two weeks now and the British tabloids are focusing on all the cellulite she has, poor thing. [DM]
• Heidi Pratt says she has "20-30 orgasms per day" with husband Spencer Pratt. Could this be because she experiences what she thinks is an orgasm every time she sees her name appear in tabloid or gossip outlet? Just an idea. [P6]

In January of 2008, just 16 months ago, Glenn Back underwent "ass surgery" to remove a hemorrhoid. The Daily Show dug up video of Beck detailing how horrific his personal experience was, video that contradicts everything he's been saying lately.

Justine Bennett performs last night at the Open A.I.R. Concert Series on the roof of the Atlas building on West 38th St. [Rob Loud/Getty]

CNN says that unemployed fake Facebook blogger Sarah Palin has finally set up the new "less politically correct" Twitter account she promised us all weeks ago. Her new username? SarahPalinUSA, of course! A must-follow if there ever was one. [@SarahPalinUSA]

Earlier tonight actor Thomas Lennon announced on Twitter that Reno 911!, the improv sitcom that has to rank as one of the more underappreciated shows in the history of television, has been canceled by Comedy Central.

Earlier tonight Olympic stoner Michael Phelps was involved in a car accident in downtown Baltimore. Now we've learned that the precise location of the accident took place in heart of Baltimore's tranny-hooker district.

Your book club is so gay! That's what the Scorpions, a group of hard 20 and 30-something guys who meet for PBRs in Boston shitholes to talk about books, say. Their motto? "We read. We bleed. And we kick ass."

Jeremy Piven, Dane Cook and Kid Rock all went out in Vegas together and took a picture to document the fun times, which they then posted to Twitter. Prepare to moisten when you click through!

Olympic stoner Michael Phelps has been involved in an automobile accident in downtown Baltimore.

Tonight someone emailed us to point out a truly bizarre glitch in Google Maps — apparently they think that anyone in New York who searches for directions from JFK airport is Arab.

From the files of things that are ridiculously long overdue: a North Carolina news station is reporting tonight that John Edwards will finally admit publicly that he is the father of Rielle Hunter's child.

As recently as late June, Steve Jobs was repeatedly spotted being chauffeured away from Apple's campus in a black car. Judging from this July 23 photo, the CEO has had enough of those vehicular ministrations.

• Polo Ralph Lauren has been hit with a lawsuit for stamping the word "lifeguard" on clothing without permission. Another company is claiming it trademarked the word years ago. [NYP]
• As expected, Escada filed for bankruptcy protection in a German court today. [Bloomberg]
• Is Bravo renewing The Fashion Show for a second season? That's unclear for the time being. [Cut]
• Tory Burch and Georgina Chapman are making cameos on the next season of Gossip Girl. [WWD]
• Now that visiting a tanning a salon is tantamount to sucking on asbestos or consuming toxic nuclear waste, is "pale the new tan"? [NYT]

Explaining why newspapers (but not journalism) are dying, Bill Wyman doesn't romanticize them: "So, sure, an average newspaper did print some serious journalism. But is that most of what they did, or even anything more than a tiny part?"