We've all done things we regretted—bad outfits, dated that loser, a Girls Gone Wild video—but no one hates her bad decisions like this star. Also a two-timing cougar. No regrets there!

The New York Post's plan to resurrect the Eliot Spitzer hooker scandal story is turning out fabulously. Day one was the "Spitzer comeback?" rumor. Day two was the Shocked Response. Now, day three: Ashley Dupre makes her return. Musically, too!

• Tom Flexner, a former vice chairman of Bear Stearns who joined Citigroup in April of 2008 to oversee its global real estate investment banking business, has closed on the sale of his four-story townhouse at 136 East 80th Street. The three-bedroom home, which Flexner first listed for $12 million last July with broker Kirk Henckels, and which went into contract to sell in May, sold to one Regan Fitzpatrick for $8.3 million. [Cityfile]
• Real estate investor Michael Hirtenstein has paid $16.8 million for five units on three floors of the Enrique Norten-designed One York, which he's planning to combine and use as a place to host "philanthropic events." [NYP]

When you heard that someone had written a book with intimate details about Bernie Madoff's anatomy, you probably thought to yourself, I better get to the bookstore the first day it comes out or I'll miss my chance! Oh, you didn't? You weren't the only one. Only about 2,000 copies of Sheryl Weinstein's tell-all have sold since it was published a couple of weeks ago. And the three other Madoff-related books haven't fared well either. [AP]

How did it get so bleak, so fast? Just yesterday, Hollywood was dancing on the ceiling in 3D mania. Now there's nothing left but to dig the bottom of the comic barrel and make another Big Momma's House.

New Yorker staff writer and best-selling author Malcolm Gladwell turns 46 today. Writer/director Noah Baumbach is turning 40. Charlie Sheen is 44. Former Bear Stearns chairman Ace Greenberg is 82. Novelist Kiran Desai turns 38. Veteran book editor Gary Fisketjon is turning 55. Big-time commercial director Bryan Buckley turns 46. Entertainment exec Garth Ancier is turning 52. Olympic snowboarder Shaun White is 23. Michael Huffington, the former Republican congressman and ex-husband of Arianna, is turning 62. And Adam Curry, the former MTV VJ and now a podcaster, turns 45 today.

• Madonna's trip to Israel is over. And it sounds like it was quite the party. Her entourage occupied a total of 11 suites and 25 hotel rooms; she brought her Italian chef with her as well as all her own exercise equipment aboard her private jet; and she received the sort of reception typically reserved for visiting presidents. Fun! [NYP]
• Michael Jackson's burial is finally scheduled to take placed today in Glendale, Calif. [MSNBC]
• DJ AM's burial took place in LA yesterday. Travis Barker, Scott Caan, DJ Jazzy Jeff, and members of Crazy Town turned up for the small service. In related news, although Goldstein didn't leave a will, he left behind about $1 million in assets. [Us, TMZ, People]
• The filming of the Sex and the City sequel has been getting a little chaotic, since fans have been turning up in droves at the locations. Fortunately, Sarah Jessica Parker and Chris Noth remain unarmed. And extra security has supposedly been hired. [NYDN]

Sheryl Weinstein thought she had a hit when she wrote about her affair with small-penised Bernie Madoff. She was wrong. The book has sold only 2,000 copies. And other Madoff-related books are also tanking, according to Nielsen BookScan. [AP]

Mad fans want a piece of Sarah Jessica Parker. Mad ladies want Jon Gosselin. And Ashley Dupre's mad at the haters. Rise and shine! Here's your Thursday morning Gossip Roundup!

Russia's Supreme Court ordered further investigation into the death of slain journalist Anna Politkovskaya.

It's likely been a while since you thought of Halliburton, the oil-loving company once headed by Dick Cheney. Well, Halliburton hasn't stopped thinking of you. Or, at least, the U.S.A. It's PAC continues throwing money at politicians.

Germany apparently has quite the strict laws for when it comes to naming your children, and has recently taken a stand against "Peppermint," "Sputnik" and "Tom-Tom." But not "Jihad!"

Ted Kennedy writes about his "terrible decisions" after the Chappaquiddick accident in his posthumous memoir.

The most recent comic book movies have focused on a hero who overcomes obstacles to save the world. Woo. Thankfully, Guy Ritchie's about the change that with Lobo, about a bad ass alien who takes no shit. Good. [Variety]

Back in 1918, when a flu epidemic brought America to its knees, there weren't many innovations in the way of germ-fighting tactics. Well, this is the 21st century, which means there are plenty of new, inventive ways to encourage prevention.

Ack! Just when you thought kidnapping rapist Phillip Garrido couldn't get any worse, there are now rumors that the blogging religious fanatic may have killed victim Jaycee Dugard's sons. Because, you know, why not? [The Sun]

Susan Atkins, the "Manson Family" member who killed Sharon Tate, has been denied parole.

Bobby Jindal just can't win! The Louisiana Governor became a national joke last year, after he attempted to counter President Obama in that laughable speech. Now, after months of lying low, he's taking heat for taking a helicopter to church.

We may have a new hero: Miyuki Hatoyama. While boring first ladies like Michelle and Carla like to remain prim and proper, Miyuki enjoys breaking boundaries, like confessing she was kidnapped by aliens.

So, Chris Brown appeared on Larry King Live, the go-to show for those looking to rehabilitate their image following scandal. Sadly for Brown, the visit came off as nothing more than a bid at fulfilling the requisite media appearance.