Just trying to be a normal xenophobic American man these days means constantly fighting back against The System (ladies, etc.) telling us to buy fancy shampoo and fancy underwear, so, hey fellas, do not buy more fancy crap by choice.

Last week, Melrose Place was a hooker with a heart of gold. Last night, she turned into that crazy girl who hides in your closet and tries on your clothes. She makes a bad roommate, but great TV!

Gov. David Paterson is retooling his public image once again. After opting to shave off his salt-and-pepper beard a few weeks ago and go with a handsome mustache, he showed up to meetings this morning sans any facial hair whatsoever. Will this improve his standing with voters? Will it do anything to repair his relationship with President Obama? Let's just say it certainly can't hurt. [NYT, previously]

¿Tomorrow is National Punctuation Day? ¡Yes!

We really can't imagine why, but Bernie Madoff's old assistant, Eleanor Squillari, has decided to auction off a portrait of Madoff that the fraudster gave her as a gift back in the late '80s. (Squillari mentioned the photo in the June issue of Vanity Fair: "Once, he gave me a picture of him taken by Karsh, the famous Canadian photographer, saying, 'Here, hang this over your bed.'") It's estimated to sell for between $3,000-$5,000. But hurry up! Bidding ends tomorrow. [Artnet via Dealbreaker]

Wondering why that one Lost DVD never arrived? If you live in New England, blame the Netflix Nabber. Myles Weathers pinched more than 3,000 DVDs from the mail distribution center where he worked. He faces five years in prison.

Matt Drudge's headline for Barack Obama's U.N. speech is ominous: "WORLD ORDER." Here's the sole occurrence of that phrase in Obama's speech: "No world order that elevates one nation or group of people over another will succeed."

Here's an amazing blast from the past we can all get behind, and throw up. Last year we showed you a crazy German site comparing the advertised photos of food to the nasty reality. They're back, with a book deal!

Moammar Khadafy didn't get to stay in Bedford last night—construction on his Bedouin-style tent was halted last night after his plans to camp out on Donald Trump's estate were revealed publicly—and he instead had to bunk down at the Libyan mission on East 48th Street. The world's most fashionable dictator held his first meeting of the day early this morning when he had a tête-à-tête with one the few people willing to talk to him, Nation of Islam leader Louis Farrakhan. Then it was off to the United Nations where he bypassed protesters and delivered a rambling speech about, well, you name it. Dressed in tan-colored robes, black cap, and with a shiny black pin in the shape of Africa pinned over his heart, Khadafy relied on a handful of handwritten pages to deliver a 90-minute speech, which was about 75 minutes or so over the limit.

His nickname was literally "The Hammer." He was a thuggish, corrupt former exterminator who ran the House of Representatives like it was an organized crime family.. He loved wars and tax cutting and gerrymandering and fucking over opponents. He is Maureen Dowd's dream man.

Michael Bloomberg is an imperious, irritable oligarch who has purchased the mayoralty of New York City for life. And the New York Times has something to say about him: He puts salt on his pizza.

Hassan Nemazee, the financier and Democratic party mega-fundraiser accused of swindling banks out of $292 million, pleaded not guilty to the charges against him this morning. [Reuters]

Suck down the last sickly sweet puffs of your precious Warm Winter Toffee Camels, kids, because as of today, flavored cigarettes are illegal in America. Time to move up to the real stuff!

[Emma Watson's foil dress faces the muggle giggles of Gwyneth Paltrow and Mario Testino at the Burberry Prorsum show that closed London Fashion Week yesterday. Image via Getty]

Sienna Miller walking her dog ... Rihanna getting out of an SUV ... Will Ferrell jogging near Union Square ... Matt Damon filming scenes for The Adjustment Bureau with Anthony Mackie in Brooklyn ... Paul Simon walking on Madison Avenue ... Ashton Kutcher and Demi Moore leaving their hotel ... Kevin Bacon walking on 14th Street ... Bruce Willis arriving at ABC for an appearance on GMA ... Calvin Klein eating lunch outside at Sant Ambroeus in the Village ... Angie Harmon carrying her daughter on Madison Avenue ... and John Mayer leaving Gemma on the Bowery after having dinner.

Who will the Republicans choose to run for Ted Kennedy's seat in Massachusetts? Probably an ex-porn model named Scott Brown. Here he is, naked, posing for Cosmo in 1982, when male body hair was still cool, thanks to Burt Reynolds.

Having a Tibetan nanny first became trendy several years ago. So you might think that overzealous Manhattan moms would have moved on to another nationality by now, wouldn't you? Apparently not. MSNBC reports that having a nanny from Tibet remains a "status symbol" for many parents, although some have been forced to make do without these prized domestic employees, since Tibetan nannies caught on to the trend years ago—and now command higher salaries as a result—and some financially challenged New Yorkers can't afford them any longer. So what are they doing instead? They've been forced to hire women from China and the Philippines! Sounds grim, huh? [MSNBC]

On top of everybody else, another person who's not gonna stand for this Mo-mar Khadafy character and his smelly Libyan camel brigade is Andrea Peyser, sexxxy patriotic American (USA).

Halloween came early for this dude, who donned a cape and tried to fly off his roof. He got high alright. What disguises will a knocked-up celeb, a cheating actress, and a pill-popping model dream up? Probably something naughty!

For weeks now, a scary number has been floating through the hallowed halls of Conde Nast: 25%. That's how much the gossipmongers speculated McKinsey would chop the company's budget. Evil rumors! Now it looks like that frightening number was correct.