Ah, Saturday Night Live. You're back, and with you, you brought some new names, a huge gaffe on the first night, a much-ballyhooed guest star, Jesus, Ghandi, and every bar in Midtown East's favorite band, U2. How'd you do?

So! Gossip's equivalent of Boris and Natasha—Rush & Molloy—came correct today with some LOLCAT-fighting between Elizabeth Edwards and Rielle Hunter. Contained herein: internet commenting, birthday spoiling cancer, John Kerry as "Richie Rich," etc. Let's take a look.

Nothing like a good dick joke, right? So says the hetero, who keeps going on about the Lady Gaga Penis Business. But Dan Abrams' henchwoman and Fearless Leader of Mediaite, Rachel Sklar, can't stop it with the vagina talk. Proof?

Lots of people who thought they were marrying into money: screwed. People like Phyllis Nefler, who will marry into awesomeness: better off. In this week's NYT's Weddings & Celebrations, a few people actually do that. But remember: Harvard. Always. Wins.

The New York Times is reporting in a breaking news alert that its former columnist, Nixon speechwriter and vocabulary czar William Safire has died at age 79 of pancreatic cancer.

Will Roman Polanski be extradited? Is he a misunderstood artist, or a rapist who should rot? Questions! But none as interesting as how the AP's notes for the story landed on the pages of Forbes and the New York Times.

The Kardashians are richer than they should be. Michael Douglas: trying to protect his kids from cocaine. Tori Spelling's husband's ex-wife doesn't suck. A celebrity was an asshole. Courtney Love and Hugo Chavez: hooking up? Sunday Morning's Gossip Roundup:

Roman Polanski—the Academy Award-winning director of Chinatown, The Pianist, and Rosemary's Baby—was arrested during a raid on his hotel in Switzerland last night. He was running from American authorities for a 1978 warrant issued after a statutory-rape conviction.

Ouch. That hurts. New cast member Jenny Slate's first night on SNL. Season premiere. She's co-starring in a skit about a biker chicks' talk show. The word "freaking" was used a lot. And guess what: she freaking said the F-Word.

We're gonna start using the final post of the day on Saturday's as an open commenter thread. Come by, won't you? Meanwhile: today was fun.

Murdered Yale student Annie Le's funeral was today. I wasn't going to write anything about it, because, you know, not a story. Not even a footnote. Apparently, I'm wrong:

Mint.com, way to promote your product! The free online money management program put together a wonderful, well-designed chart to show you how well they design things like charts. Their morbidly glee-tinted topic: the death of newspapers.

Regulators! Mount. Up. Warren G got interviewed by Eric Spitznagel (Read: NILLA) for Vanity Fair. Spitznagel's interviewed lots of celebrities for lots of Nilla publications (The Believer, anyone?) and is a likable writer. But he'll remember this for a while:

You're the Prime Minister of Spain. Your rarely seen daughters are tabloid sensations after an embargo on posting photographs of them is broken when pictures of them dressed as badass goths leak everywhere. So: what do you do? Run interference.

Conan's no barbarian. The late night host hit his keppe on Friday when taping a stunt for The Tonight Show with Teri Hatcher. He got a concussion and went to the hospital. What?

You can't take Garrison Keillor down. He'll only come back stronger and folksier, and will beat the urban out of you until you're pissing hay. Keillor's back on the show only three weeks after suffering a stroke, bitches. [CBS News]

So: Michael Jackson, Lady Gaga, Tucker Carlson. What do the three previous posts have in common? None of 'em are nearly as much fun as watching a conservative policy group play the press cycle over a "Jewboy" "email" from NBC.

Our Lady of the Immaculate Penis, Lady Gaga, was once Stefani Germanotta, an NYU student with dreams: to be the most post-modern pop star ev-ar, or at least, to leave the small-time dreck of NYU piano songstress obscurity. Video surfaces!

Formerly bow-tied assclown and teenage gaybasher Tucker Carlson may have given up his bowties, but he's still dedicated to the art of assclowning. Story: some kids sing song about Obama at school. Sean Hannity rages. And Carlson starts to speak.