If you give your kids candy they'll end up in jail, scientists have now proven.

Meet the new face of terror; if you're an Olympic banner at least. If there's one thing hipsters hate — besides being called hipsters — it is Olympics.

Yesterday afternoon, Bank of America CEO Ken Lewis announced that he plans to "retire" at the end of the year. And despite the fact he's facing ongoing probes by Congress, the SEC, and the attorneys general in New York and Connecticut over BofA's acquisition of Merrill Lynch, he's spent months dealing with withering criticism by Wall Street analysts and shareholders, and he's leaving the bank without a successor in place, Lewis is still maintaining that he—and he alone, without any pressure on him whatsoever!—arrived at the decision to retire. Per the farewell letter he sent out yesterday:

[Kurt Russell puts Goldie Hawn in a bad humor at a gas station in California yesterday when they didn't have her favorite frozen treat. They got Combos instead. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Another one of NYC's great restaurants has gone down. After more than 30 years in business, Chanterelle owners Karen and David Waltuck report that they no longer have plans to reopen the Tribeca landmark following a round of recent renovations. [Diner's Journal/NYT, Photo: Flickr]

The Obama administration—of all administrations!—announces that it's mostly opposed to a federal shield law protecting reporters from being subpoenaed for their sources. After all the rhetorical cock-gobbling the media did for you, Obama. Quid Pro No? Shame. [NYT]

We all take things from our past relationships: mementos, memories, sores. You certainly got the last one if you dated this singer. What will you get from paying for sex with this druggie actress? Probably a scorching case of trouble.

Time for an update on the case of Hiram Monserrate, alleged girlfriend face-slasher and one of New York's three very most objectionable political figures! Having his slash-vic on his side in court is really helping him out. Love—it's crazy.

On July 24, 2009, Cityfile published an article entitled "Jim Dolan To Kill Christmas In July?" which contained speculation on the fate of the Radio City Christmas Spectacular starring the Radio City Rockettes. Click here for an important update on this article.

Kate Hudson heading to lunch at Serafina ... Julianne Moore walking to a post office in the West Village ... Mark Wahlberg and Will Ferrell shooting scenes for The Other Guys ... Taylor Momsen walking downtown ... Lady Gaga going into a hotel ... Sarah Jessica Parker leaving her townhouse in the Village ... Madonna arriving for an appearance on the Late Show with Dave Letterman ... Shia LaBeouf and Carey Mulligan filming scenes for Wall Street 2 ... Kelly Rutherford standing on the set of Gossip Girl in Chinatown ... and Sienna Miller heading home after a performance of After Miss Julie on Broadway.

Forbes' annual list of the richest Americans, the Forbes 400, was released today. The bad news? It was a pretty rough year for the super-rich, not surprisingly, with the collective net worth of Forbes 400 members falling $300 billion over the past 12 months. The good news, at least for those poor people who have had to deal with the indignity of only being worth in the high nine figures: You don't need to be a billionaire to make the cut this year. A mere $950 million will suffice. [Forbes, NYDN]

• Investor Amit Ben-Haim has finally unloaded his four-bedroom penthouse at 15 CPW, albeit for significantly less than the $80 million he was looking for last year. The London-based exec just sold the condo for $37 million to two unidentified corporations listed in city property records as Novgorod and Novgorod Two. [NYO]
• Houston Rockets owner Leslie Alexander has reportedly closed on the purchase of a penthouse at the Superior Ink building on West 12th Street. (The 6,321-square-foot pad had been most recently listed for $25 million.) Meanwhile, Alexander is still trying to unload his East Hampton estate, which is currently on the market for $20.5 million. [NYP, PDE]
• Alec Baldwin appears to have taken his apartment at the El Dorado off the market just a month after listing it. The three-bedroom co-op, along with a smaller one-bedroom unit a few floors below, had been up for sale for a combined $8.9 million. [NYM]
• Daniele Bodini, a real estate mogul and the Republic of San Marino's permanent representative to the United Nations, has paid $10.9 million for a 3,500-square-foot apartment at 88 Central Park West. Update: On October 5, 2009, five days after publishing an item stating that Daniele Bodini had purchased an apartment at 88 Central Park West, the New York Post updated the story on its web site, deleting any reference to Bodini and stating instead that Italian financier Paolo Pellegrini had purchased the apartment. You can read the original, archived version here. The Post did not correct the story or in any way call attention to the fact that it had substantially changed it. On March 13, 2013—four years after this item was originally published on CityFile, and three years after Gawker Media purchased CityFile—an attorney representing Bodini alerted Gawker Media to the fact that the Post had changed the story and asked us to remove the mention of Bodini. As far as we can tell from a review of real estate records, neither Bodini nor Pellegrini purchased the apartment in question; it was purchased by Sarah Henrietta Hoblyn Jones in November 2009. [NYP]

Jimmy Carter turns 85 today. Recently arrested actor Randy Quaid is turning 59. Julie Andrews is 74. Swimsuit model Cindy Margolis is turning 44. Retired baseball player Mark McGwire is 46. Actor/comedian Christopher Titus turns 45. CBS News veteran Richard Schlesinger is 55. Former Happy Days star Tom Bosley is turning 82. And Dr. Robert Rey, the star of Dr. 90210 and the craziest plastic surgeon on cable television, celebrates his 48th birthday today.

• Despite several tabloid reports yesterday that Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel had broken up, they were photographed holding hands on Monday in Santa Barbara. So what's going on? "Things have been rocky the last few months, but they're working it out," one source tells the Post. ("They've been spending more time apart... and they've been reevaluating their relationship," another tells People.) Oh, and what about those Rihanna rumors? JT and Ri Ri are apparently just working on a track together. [People, P6, NYDN]
• Another dubious rumors making the rounds: that Kate Hudson and Alex Rodriguez are expecting a baby. Hudson's rep is denying it. [NYDN]
• Madonna told David Letterman that she'd "rather get run over by a train" than remarry again. Poor Jesus doesn't have a prayer, it seems. [HP]
• Lauren Conrad has snagged a movie deal for L.A. Candy, her debut novel about a totally unfamiliar topic, "a 19-year-old who moves to Hollywood, quickly finds fame as a reality series star and then has to deal with the ramifications of living a fishbowl life." [Variety]

Disbarred Florida lawyer Jack Thompson gained some notoriety when, in 2006, he appeared on 60 Minutes to rail against violent video games. Nerds the world over took to Facebook to call him names. Now he's suing the website.

Elizabeth Edwards may have given up on her marriage. Paris Jackson knows who killed her father. Liz Taylor once tried suicide. And Palin could be trying her hand at beauty. Good morning, sunshine! Here's your Thursday morning gossip roundup!

Today's the glorious 60th anniversary of China's rebirth as a communist nation. And, as it does, the government pulled out all the predictable, synchronized stops to celebrate. Yawn. We've seen it all before. Let's take an excessively red-blooded American look.

Yeah, yeah: Roman Polanski may go to prison for having sex with a drunk pre-teen girl, but what about the real victim here? His latest and possibly last movie, The Ghost...

At least 200 450 are dead after a 7.6 magnitude earthquake struck Indonesia.

We always suspected that if Joy Behar and Ann Coulter were in the same room, they would, like matter and anti-matter, cease to exist. But that's not the case. They just argue about whether or not Sarah Palin's coherent.