Michael Lohan's worried about his daughter, might be right. Situation: critical. Robert Pattenson's mom hates you. Who sucks more? Jon Gosselin or TLC? Tina Fey's virginity, Madonna's neighbor relations, Karadshian Ass..ian...and much much more. Presenting your Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

Just in time for Balloon Boy's all-but-complete disappearance from the national spotlight, the computer geeks at 4chan apparently had a pizza delivered to the kid and his dysfunctional family. Now they're in hiding from the media.

[A controversial new art installation by Ottmar Hoerl opened yesterday in Straubing, Germany, with 1250 garden gnomes—most painted black, but several painted gold—giving the Nazi salute. Image via Getty]

After a couple good weeks at the theaters, its a bit of a minefield awaiting your weekend entertainment. But no one ever said going to the movies was a coward's game; once more into the breach!

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Distilled into 2 minutes and kompletely Eggers-free, Where the Wild Things Fart has 100% less Karen O music and isn't like the most breathlessly important movie of like ever.

Last we heard, both Levi Johnston's people and Playgirl were still haggling on terms. Now everything is settled and the online magazine has sent off the contract and is waiting for signatures. Status updated!

They say blood is thicker than water, but you nick both when cutting to the bone. And so it is that Self magazine has laid off Stephanie Newhouse, granddaughter-in-law to one of the Newhouse brothers who built Condé Nast.

So Rush Limbaugh was forbidden from owning the St. Louis Rams because the Obama White House controls the NFL players' union and, obviously, they control the NFL. But he totally didn't say those terrible things about black people!

• Will Café des Artistes be reborn one of these days? A number of investors have expressed an interest in reviving the famed venue, apparently. [Crain's]
• As for Tavern on the Green, which is supposed to change hands on Dec. 31, a judge has given the LeRoy family more time to vacate the premises, which will prevent it from having to lay off 400 employees over Christmas. [NYT]
• The Todd English case goes on: The chef's bride-to-be Erica Wang is maintaining her innocence and gave a statement to police today. [NYP]
• A $1 billion lawsuit has been filed against Greenhouse for allegedly denying a group of people entry because of their race. Yes, $1 billion. [NYP]
• Mayor Bloomberg has weighed in on his fave bagel for some reason. [NYDN]
• Maialino, Danny Meyer's restaurant at the Gramercy Park Hotel, is on track to opens next month. But he's not sure when the next Shake Shack opens. [GS]
• Any interest in some "Viagra soup"? Yea, didn't think so. [NYDN]

What would Carrie Bradshaw smell like if you could bottle her? Sarah Jessica Parker is launching a Carrie-inspired perfume, it turns out, so now we have the answer! Italian mandarin, white osmanthus, wild red strawberries, gardenia, honeysuckle, mimosa, red rose damascenia, sandalwood, vanilla absolute, rum, and creamy musks. All that's missing, clearly, is a time machine so you could go back to a point in history when you might have been interested in smelling like Carrie Bradshaw. [WWD]

Kansas City Star TV critic Aaron Barnhart got an e-mail from Fox News last week that he thought was funny, and posted about it on Twitter. Fox News flacks said the network never sent the e-mail. They lied.

• Rupert Murdoch and John Malone are "interested" in a deal with NBC Universal, but have yet to pick up the phone and do anything about it. [THR]
• Condé Nast cut sales staff at W and Vanity Fair today and proved that no one is safe by dismissing the wife of a Newhouse family member. Some good news: magazines are reporting that automotive advertising is way up, so maybe the auto industry will end up saving print media! Crazier things have happened.
• The Ticketmaster-Live Nation merger is running into trouble in DC. [WSJ]
• The Fox News-White House brouhaha continues, not surprisingly. [THR]
• Fox Reality, which is going off the air next year, will be replaced by a new channel called Nat Geo Wild. Think less Cesar Millan, more Jeff Corwin. [NYT]
• Were you dismayed that yesterday's little balloon incident generated so much cable news coverage? Wait till you see what's in store next week! [CJR]

Remember when Bungalow 8 was the hottest place in town? Yeah, memories of those days can be a bit foggy. With the news that it's closing we're looking back on the glory days of the greats.

In your downright fraudulent Friday media column: A fakester is claiming to work for W, Forbes is losing a top editor and National Lampoon will help your weekend arrive sooner.

Restaurants, bars, and clubs don't just shut down these days. They "close for renovations" for a few weeks or months. Then they announce that they are not, in fact, planning to reopen and they've been shuttered for good. Below: a few recent examples of what is sometimes the result of a series of unexpected events, but is often a face-saving public relations technique.

Oxendine actually emailed reporters, last night, to prepare them for this amazing clip. And:

Leave it to Lamas follows the antics of the gorgeous and fun-loving Shayne Lamas as she works, plays and navigates life in Los Angeles with her close-knit family by her side.

[Professional shopper Lindsay Lohan is embarrassed when she arrives at the Beverly Hill Courthouse today and is told that a law suit is not an actual article of clothing. Image via X17]

The local sheriff in Ft. Collins, Colo., is defending the Heene family, saying at a press conference that he doesn't think Richard and Mayumi Heene were faking their emotions during yesterday's ordeal.