English newspaper the Guardian has come up with a way to "show your allegiance to the vampire world" this Halloween: a cross-stitch pattern of Twilight star Robert Pattinson. You're welcome.

Gisele Bundchen walking down the street just after having lunch at Blue Ribbon yesterday ... Matt Damon heading to the set of The Adjustment Bureau with his wife and daughters ... Naomi Watts carrying a bag of groceries from Whole Foods ... Gerard Butler riding a bike in SoHo ... Samuel L. Jackson shooting scenes for The Other Guys ... Courteney Cox and David Arquette shopping in SoHo and later going to dinner ... America Ferrera filming scenes for Ugly Betty downtown ... Beyoncé and Jay-Z eating at Nello's on Madison Avenue ... Chace Crawford and Blake Lively walking on the set of Gossip Girl ... and Jude Law playing soccer in the West Village with sons Rudy and Rafferty.

Somali pirates have kidnapped this friendly-looking British couple as they sailed their yacht off the East African coast. This has a very "UK Version of When The Navy SEALS Killed Those Somali Pirates" feel. Pirates: Please re-read this. [Pic via]

There's nothing wrong with a few brewskis, but not when it comes in the way of work. Also a couple torn apart by religion and a celeb spawn's stalker extravaganza. Come on in, we've been opening your mail.

If you were looking forward to sneaking out of work during your lunch break today and heading over to the '21' Club to catch a peek at Tinsley Mortimer hard at work on her upcoming reality show, you'll need to make alternate plans, clearly. [Twitter]

Billionaire investor Jeffry Picower—who made billions off of Bernie Madoff's Ponzi scheme—was found dead in his (expensive) pool Sunday. Murder??? Well, the coroner doesn't want you to think so. But clearly, Madoff's money has a deadly curse.

The Surrey Hotel on 76th Street and Madison officially opens its doors on November 1 following a stunning re-creation by interior designer Lauren Rottet. Featuring 190 "salons," including 30 suites, in-room dining by Café Boulud, a new lobby-level bar, a private rooftop English garden, spa, and an impressive collection of contemporary art, the Upper East Side will once again be home to one of New York's most luxurious and exclusive hotel properties. The Surrey now invites you to celebrate the reopening with a very special Introductory Offer, featuring a complimentary room upgrade, breakfast for two at Café Boulud, two complimentary cocktails at Bar Pleiades, two VIP passes to the Metropolitan Museum of Art, and a special gift from the spa when you purchase a spa treatment. Rates start at $629 per night. Click here to make reservations. Or call 212-465-3632 and mention the code INTRO.

If anyone else is weirded out by newspapers trying to dispassionately report news of their decline, look away now.

• Israeli-born entrepreneur Beny Alagem has closed on the sale of his three-bedroom apartment at 15 Central Park West. The 15th-floor condo, which Alagem and his wife Adele bought for $15.4 million in April 2008 and listed for $24 million last June, ended up selling for $19.9 million. The buyer is Stuart Peterson, the president of Silicon Valley's Artis Capital Management. Peterson, who made a fortune as an early investor in YouTube, set the record for purchasing the most expensive home in Bay area in 2006. [Cityfile]
• Armon Bar-Tur, a managing director at SafeHarbor Capital Partners, and his wife Rebecca, have put their townhouse at 92 Charles Street on the market. The four-bedroom home, which the couple picked up for $6 million in 2006, is now listed for $14.5 million. [Curbed, Corcoran]
• Renowned Broadway costume designer William Ivey Long has sold his Chelsea townhouse. The restored home at 349 West 20th Street, which Ivey bought back in 1994, sold for $4.75 million. [Cityfile]

The haughty, stubbornly secular, French have convicted the Church of Scientology of fraud. Just for pressuring two women to pay tens of thousands of dollars for spurious Scientological products and services! Victimization of religion says this oily spokesman.

Conservative mouthpiece Matt Drudge turns 43 today. Writer Fran Lebowitz is 59. John Cleese is turning 70. Kelly Osbourne is turning 25. Scott Weiland of Stone Temple Pilots and Velvet Revolver is turning 42. Duran Duran's Simon Le Bon is 51. Financier J. Christopher Flowers is 52. Director Ivan Reitman is turning 63. Oscar-winning Italian actor Roberto Benigni turns 57. Novelist Zadie Smith is 34. And Marla Maples, the second wife of Donald Trump and the mother of one of his five kids, is 46 today.

• Renee Zellweger is going to be spending the holidays with Bradley Cooper's family in Philadelphia. Meanwhile, Bradley Cooper's ex-wife, Jennifer Esposito, is now engaged to Australian tennis player Mark Philippoussis. So everyone's happy, right? Well, except for Jennifer Aniston, that is. [NYDN, People]
• Speaking of happy couples, now that they've supposedly inked their pre-nup, Khloe Kardashian and Lamar Odom went out and inked themselves with each other's initials, too. Marriage after just a couple months, now matching tattoos... what could possibly go wrong? [People]
• Madonna planted a tree to kick off construction of her new girls' school in Malawi. She wore heels. And she looked awkward. [AP]
• At Ivanka Trump and Jared Kushner's wedding on Sunday, guests were given a gift bag containing a book in Hebrew and flip-flops with a tag that read "Ivanka and Jared—what a pair." Of course, that's a step up from the wedding invitations which contained a promotional flyer for one of Donald Trump's golf courses. [NYP]

Dubya has mainly been writing a book in crayon since leaving the Oval Office, with his tongue stuck out to help him concentrate. But, perhaps upset that Michael Steele is the only person regularly gaffe-ing, he's back and giving speeches!

The Scientology flack who walked out on Bashir came back and tried to have Nightline cut, Steve Phillips' ESPN squeeze is, inevitably, also fired, Timberlake's stalker is cheating on him, while Diane von Furstenberg's Madrid mugging was tweeted.

The Muslim Brotherhood In Egypt is a political organization that once included Sayyid Qutb, the man who inspired Al-Qaeda. It was founded to promote Islamic law, oppress women etc. And now it wants to keep Beyonce out of Egypt!

Diane von Furstenberg's visit to Madrid this past weekend didn't go very smoothly, it seems. (We'll assume that American Express made an extra special effort to replace her credit cards given she's a spokesperson for the company and all.) But she says she wasn't injured during the robbery, so you can stop worrying now:

Twitter's hard-core users, mostly men, tend to size up fellow microbloggers by examining the length of their... follower lists. That's what they did, at least, until celebrities started dominating Twitter. Now a new yardstick excites the geeks: Twitter lists.

This is sad: Mediabistro is now carrying classified listings for straight up clerical jobs with no media connection, because they figure those are the jobs of the future, for many media people. After all, their industry is dying.

[The San Francisco Chronicle's delivery fleet idles in a parking lot beneath not-metaphorical-at-all graffiti. Image via Getty]

Ayelet Waldman transferred her hubby lust to a new medium; a Twitter engineer got "sexy" in the office and Matt Cooper is "a terrible suck up." The Twitterati were all about overtones.