With a vote of 56-43, Loretta Lynch became the 83rd U.S. Attorney General on Thursday. As her first act as AG, we propose she indict Senate Majority Leader Mitch McConnell for delaying the nomination for several months. Or, better yet: just abolish the Senate altogether.

As Americans, we are all partisans for the oddities and specialties of our own local cuisines. You can get a bagel anywhere, but only in New York are they great; you’re lucky to find a Goo Goo Cluster at all outside of Nashville. But the good stuff is boring—what makes your stomach turn?

For several months Yamini Karanam, an Indiana University Ph.D. student, had been plagued by neurological distress: forgetfulness, difficulty understanding simple writing, and headaches so severe that she couldn’t read.

Disgraced former CIA Director and general David Petraeus was sentenced today to two years’ probation and fined $100,000 for leaking classified information to Paula Broadwell, his biographer and mistress.

The U.S. corporate executive who spent the most money on private jet travel last year was Eric Foss, the CEO of Aramark, a company that serves food that it pulls out of the trash to prisoners.

The family of Michael Brown has filed a wrongful-death lawsuit against the city of Ferguson. Last August, an unarmed Brown was gunned down by Officer Darren Wilson, who is charged with using “an unnecessary and unreasonable amount of force in violation of [Brown’s] constitutionally guaranteed right to life.”

Is this real life? Here I am in New York “Fuckin” City, the roughest as well as toughest city that never sleeps—not even for a minute. Well maybe all of that insomnia is getting to us because—what’s this?—Swedish tourists are the “tough guys” here now?

The FCC is very likely to block Comcast and Time Warner Cable, the reigning Worst Company in America and Most Hated Company in America, from completing their $45.2 billion super-megamorph into The Worst, Most Hated Company in America, a source familiar with the deal told Bloomberg today. Hey Comcast, have you tried turning it off and rebooting it?

On Wednesday, the Baltimore police union issued a statement likening the protests over the death of Freddie Gray, who died Sunday after suffering a broken neck while in police custody, to a “lynch mob.”

One ninety Bowery, a grimy old New York City building that sits literally at the intersection of Bowery and Spring Street, has found a chief tenant: a consortium of “luxury and fashion image-making” companies that, according to its CEO, sits “literally at the intersection of chic and gritty.” Literally a perfect match.

Willa Junior, the baggage handler who forced an Alaska Airlines flight to make an emergency landing last week after he fell asleep in the plane’s cargo hold and started to bang and scream for help, tells ABC News that he feared for his life.

According to a report released earlier today by the Department of Homeland Security, the alarm at former President George H.W. Bush’s Houston home was broken for over a year before the Secret Service got around to replacing it—despite them knowing about the faulty system for a full eight months.

It seems that “Big Food” will never truly understand the desires of you, the regular American consumer, who just wants a tasty dang hot dog, is that too much to ask after a hard day?? A little flavor??

A CIA drone strike in Pakistan killed American and Italian aid workers Warren Weinstein and Giovanni Lo Porto, both of whom were being held hostage at an al Qaeda compound. According to the Wall Street Journal, the January strike was the first known instance of a U.S. drone inadvertently killing hostages.

A Texas location of fast-food chicken chain Popeyes allegedly fired a pregnant shift manager after her store was robbed by a masked gunman. Marissa Holcomb couldn’t open the safe, but she gave the robber $400 from the register. She says a manager gave her a choice: reimburse the company for the stolen money or lose her job.

According to a new report by CBS News, a 2009 internal investigation by the Tulsa Sheriff’s Office into the training of Robert Bates, the reserve deputy who claims he mistakenly shot and killed Eric Harris earlier this month, deemed his training “questionable” and marked by “preferential treatment,” with Bates apparently warning officers “that he could do what he wanted.”

Ben Affleck really didn’t want people to know that one of his distant ancestors owned slaves—going so far as to lobby celebrity genealogy TV show Finding Your Roots to suppress the segment in which that ancestor is discussed. But we got our hands on a copy of the script—and now you can read the mild interview that terrified the actor.

According to LEX 18, one of the potential 2016 First Kids got into a drunk driving accident with a parked car in Lexington, KY this week.

It’s no secret that Tidal is tanking hard. Could that be why self-proclaimed visionary Kanye West suddenly deleted a series of tweets enthusiastically endorsing the streaming service? Maybe. I don’t know. I’m not Kanye West.

Nestled amongst the rubble of Amy Pascal’s digital life was, it turns out, a deep, dark secret Hollywood actor Ben Affleck and his agent hoped might stay buried forever. Here, condensed into three acts, are the five stages of Ben Affleck’s antebellum grief.