Are you one of a subset of 83 million Americans? You’re lazy, man.

Dan Bilzerian, the swollen and rich king of Instagram, has made a new friend, possibly one of his first without breast implants. Republican Senator and presidential hopeful Rand Paul Snapchatted himself getting “lessons” from Dan B.

This morning, 15 buffalo escaped their their upstate New York farm and roamed the countryside, eventually stopping in the town of Bethlehem. Like some other famous visitors to Bethlehem, there was no room for them there; unlike the Holy family, the buffalo were quickly gunned down.

This week, members of the University of Florida’s Zeta Beta Tau fraternity are being investigated for allegedly spitting on a group of wounded war veterans, then stealing the veterans’ American flags and peeing on them. But this is only the most literal way in which frat boys are pissing on America. Fraternity guys love to pee. On anything, anywhere.

“Virtually no one in the survey said the ad industry acts with integrity; it was ranked at the bottom of the list of other industries including financial institutions, the legal profession, the pharmaceutical industry and the newspaper industry.” Even below Congress.

The Statue of Liberty and Ellis Island have been evacuated over concerns about a suspicious package reportedly found inside a locker. UPDATE 2:58 pm: The NYPD has given an all-clear, according to NBC New York.

Three members of the University of Florida’s Zeta Beta Tau fraternity have been expelled from the campus chapter after they allegedly spit on and hurled beer bottles at veterans attending a retreat at Panama City Beach. Some were apparently seen peeing on veterans’ American flags.

At least one person was killed after a crane collapsed at a construction site in midtown Manhattan this morning, according to fire officials who spoke to NBC New York.

We were flabbergasted as well as flummoxed to learn recently that New York City’s pension funds have paid billions of dollars in fees to Wall Street money managers over the past decade. Is there, perhaps, a better way for public officials to manage your retirement money?

Freddie Gray, the Baltimore man who died Sunday after suffering a broken neck while in police custody, reportedly was not buckled into his seatbelt during the 30-minute ride to the police station, despite having his hands cuffed and his legs in irons.

In Sept. 2013, Dontrell Stephens was shot four times by a West Palm Beach, Fla., sheriff’s deputy, allegedly for running away from law enforcement. But newly released dashcam footage of the shooting, which left Stephens paralyzed from the waist down, shows he was just riding his bike and talking on his cell phone when cops started following him.

Some people believe that fighting economic inequality by curbing the wealth of the very rich is a bad idea because it would limit the incentives for progress that drive the capitalist system. This is not true.

Comcast’s takeover of Time Warner Cable, which was reportedly on life support after an FCC meeting Wednesday, is now officially dead. “Today, we move on,” Comcast CEO Brian L. Roberts said in a statement. Good.

Dozens of students were injured—at least one critically—when the stage dramatically collapsed during a show at an Indiana high school Thursday night.

Sawyer Sweeten, a former child actor who portrayed Ray Romano’s son on Everybody Loves Raymond, died Thursday in an apparent suicide. He was 19.

Washington State teen hero Ibrahim Ahmad got the girl plus a bonus paid vacation this week when he schemed up an idiot prom invite that centered around a fake bomb.

The great thing about America is you can say pretty much anything you want, if you pay a filing fee. Like this Georgia lady who was so dissatisfied with the outcome of her case, she filed a duly executed “Notice to Fuck This Court and Everything that it Stands For.”

Professional franchise stars Chris Evans and Jeremy Renner are two grown men who really should know better.

Louisiana governor and presumed 2016 presidential contender Bobby Jindal has an op-ed in The New York Times in which he takes a stand against everyone taking a stand against businesses taking a stand against gay marriage, and publicizes his push to pass a bill forbidding his state from taking “adverse action” against businesses that discriminate against same-sex couples. How brave.

Groupon became famous and went public in 2011 by hawking restaurant discounts to people who Instagram their food, but since then, they’ve realized that emailing people coupon spam isn’t a profitable model. Now they’ve switched from pushing coupons to selling a motley assortment of very strange shit, like a mane for your cat, or counterfeit Durex condoms riddled with small holes.