Click to viewNothing ever seems to happen on The Hills, yet the plot still progresses. It's like another masterpiece of serialized fiction: Apartment 3G. Ever wonder what this show would look like as a comic strip?

Former tabloid reporter-turned Jon Gosselin love interest Kate Major is helping us with "punchlines," but for her they are just "decisions made by Kate Major." Lawsuit, why not?

When political insiders suggested yesterday that the mayor pay more attention to places outside of Manhattan's toniest precincts, they probably didn't have Russia or China in mind. But both those countries are expected to benefit from Mike Bloomberg's latest charitable donation, a $125 million gift designed to improve road conditions in 10 developing countries around the world. But he'll get to this next. Don't you worry. [WSJ]

If you hate roller coasters, this video will cement your fear and loathing forever. Also bad: cruel older sisters, evil stepmothers or sadistic aunts named "Janice" who just laugh, and laugh and laugh as you're seized by vehement, paralyzing terror.

It should go without saying that there are just some places people shouldn't be booty dancing, a graveyard is one of those places.

In your wistful Wednesday media column: Fox News anchor moves up in the world, layoffs loom at Time Inc. and BusinessWeek, people still say they read newspapers, and Pat Kiernan has a contest, for you.

Condé Nast has shut down six magazines and laid off hundreds of staffers in recent months. But the company's annual Christmas party will return once again this year. Okay, so it's at Aureole next door (a "corporate cafeteria with a soundtrack of smooth jazz in the George Benson style," per the Times), and not at the Four Seasons as in years past. But it's better settling for stir-fry at Condé's own cafeteria or, even worse, nothing at all, right? [NYO]

We drank one too many white wine spritzers with Brooklyn Decker and missed last night's episode of The City. Thankfully we have the dispatches of our favorite cub social reporter to fill us in on everything we missed.

It was too much to ask, but in the legends of television, Heather Locklear has been endowed with the powers of a superhero. And now we finally know, even even Amanda can't ride in to save us from ourselves.

We like to think of Giada De Laurentiis, the host of "Everyday Italian", as the chef who grossly over-pronounces Italian words, uses nonsensical adjectives to describe her food, and then has sex with her dishes. Get ready for some Speegheetee!

Attorney Lynne Stewart's crime seems to have been issuing a press release. For this, not only is her translator in jail, but the appeals court has upheld her conviction and requested a tougher sentence.

Today's Retro Jam is Elton John's 1983 hit about making a comeback despite his widely-speculated upon personal struggles. Shot in Cannes and Nice, this video one of the most awesomely over-the-top music videos we've posted yet.

Ricky Van Veen announced the production schedule for his brand-new TV studio, and it would appear the CollegeHumor founder believes the future of the small screen lies in the past, because he's unleashing a mess of game shows.

Last week, MTV announced its newest series, Jersey Shore, which it promises will feature the "hottest, tannest, craziest guidos" in the Jerz. (Think The Hills, but starring people who are tanner and have a whole lot more confidence.) What you can expect to see: all the fist pumping, pecs, and hair gel you can handle, naturally. So how close will it be to reality and how much of it will be the product of imaginative MTV producers? To separate fact from fiction, we reached out to the world's leading expert on guido-dom, Anthony Moussa, a 30-year-old Jersey native who founded the website NLSociety.com (formerly the infamous NJGuido.com), and asked him to explain to us what the lifestyle is really all about. Join us as he discusses man-jewelry, the origin of the fist pump, and how some guidos today are disgracing the culture that so many hold near and dear.

Hello, the very latest made-up trend you must know about unless you are some sort of plebe is the simple fact that Midtown is back. According to everybody.

Vanity Fair editor Graydon Carter tells the New York Observer that Midtown is back. You know who agrees with him? Catherine Malandrino, and restaurateur Gherardo Guarducci, and Waris Ahluwalia, "the turbaned jewelry designer and fixture in Wes Anderson films," and nightlife photographer Patrick McMullan, and socialite Ann Dexter-Jones, and socialite Bettina Zilkha, and socialite Lisa Anastos, and socialite Derek Blasberg, and fashion designer Prabal Gurung, and Le Caprice owner Richard Caring, and designer Devi Kroell, and gallery owner Neal Grayson.

A St. Louis schools employee made a juvenile, vulgar joke in the comments section of the St. Louis Post-Dispatch website, anonymously. Soon, he was out of a job because an offended newspaper editor hunted him down and called his bosses.

There's a hilarious new meme in the wingnut sectors of the internet: someone's coined a bumper sticker slogan encouraging people to pray for Barack Obama. But here's the funny part: it's really a secret Christian code for "Kill the President!'

Maureen Dowd's column today is a list of ways that she is just Sarah Palin.

On November 18, 1928 Steamboat Willie is released, and the world finally hears Mickey Mouse.

This Kite Boarder uses the power of wind, technique, and being totally freakin' extreme to defy gravity and jump over a pier.