• Tiger Woods hasn't spoken to the cops or the media since he crashed his SUV into a tree outside his Florida home on Friday morning, although he did release a statement on his website yesterday. Did the crash take place as Tiger was running away from his enraged wife? Did Tiger really have an affair with club promoter (and 9/11 widow) Rachel Uchitel? That's all up in the air at the moment, although Uchitel has already hired spotlight-loving lawyer Gloria Allred to represent her, so you can expect this story to play on for weeks to come. [NYP, TMZ, TMZ]
• The fame-seeking classy couple who crashed the state dinner last week, Michaele and Tareq Salahi, are looking for a six-figure fee to tell their story, according to TV producers. A spokesman for the couple says that's totally false. Decide for yourself who you'd like to believe. [NYT, NYP, NYDN]
• Did Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal break up? A "close friend" of the actress says yes, but the couple is denying it. [People]
• Tinsley Mortimer may have a German prince for a boyfriend and she may be traipsing around town with Constantine Maroulis, but she's still got her ex-husband, Topper, wrapped around her finger. They reportedly talk three times a day and he's offered to appear on her reality show to help boost buzz. They may even get back together "for ratings," according to a source. [P6]

"There are too many styles around, and they keep mutating too fast to assume that kind of dominance." The doddering old limey continued: "The idea that something is uncool because it's old or foreign has left the collective consciousness." [Prospect]

The man behind clubplanet.com wants to buy Maxim for $40m and is convinced he can turn the ailing magazine around using the internets. If the owners don't sell, says Andrew Fox, they will DIE.

New photos suggest the White House party crashers were seasoned social climbers and chronic liars; Reese and Jake deny a break-up rumor; Tila Tequila's "energy secret" is not an illegal substance. Monday gossip, here we come.

Alligator farmers in Florida are struggling, and it's not just because of the economy or even, you know, the vicious predators they farm. An evil luxury fashion brand is hoarding skins and distorting the market.

Those Somali pirates just never rest.

After tweeting his good-byes and threatening to leap to his death off the Brooklyn Bridge, Michael Lohan's purported Twitter account abruptly went dead early Monday morning. What just happened? (Updated)

Poor, beleaguered Roman Polanski is being held in the most inhumane of conditions, a luxury ski chalet with a breathtaking view in a posh Swiss town beneath an endless sky bound only by rainbows.

If you are one of the many who thought you could not despise the Salahis any more than you already do, think again: The White House crashers are demanding to be paid for their first television interview.

Timed to the three-year anniversary of his execution, a Saddam Hussein-themed TV channel appeared on Iraqi airwaves this week and is basically a Baathist screensaver set to audio of late dictator's most famous speeches.

One woman is on a crusade to reform Portland, Oregon's strip club industry by suing evil club owners who put making a profit before paying women fairly to take off their clothes and wiggle around on a pole. Solidarity forever!

Former Arkansas governor/GOP presidential candidate Mike Huckabee might have made a huge mistake when he commuted Maurice Clemmons' 60-year prison sentence nine years ago: Now, Clemmons is wanted for questioning in the horrific shooting of four Washington State police officers.

Tiger Woods is currently waging a war of attrition against cops and media folk trying to get to the bottom of the Case of the Pro Golfer and the Tree of Doom. This is a dumb strategy.

Media columnist David Carr just Twittered a caption for his latest filing, a media death knell with a bright-eyed ending, summoning the title of Joan Didion's famous essay about leaving her New York experience behind. Is the comparison merited?

The mysterious enigma that is Jesus (Luz), Madonna's 22 year-old Brazilian model/DJ boyfriend, got the Sunday Styles profile treatment this weekend. It is, in a word: hysterical.

Participating in a 5K Turkey Trot benefiting the Red Cross, Palin opted out before the finish line. Her gathered fans were sad. To her credit: those holiday-based 5K hangover runs always sound like better ideas than they actually are. [TP]

America's food stamp welfare program is now feeding one in eight Americans, and almost one in every four children. This is terrifying for a number of reasons, the least among them being "everyone's poor."

Problems of Brad Pitt, Part 2. Can he live? No. The New York Post reports on a book coming out detailing Brad Pitt's recent troubles. Among them: Brangalina's divorce-bound, because Angelina Jolie's psychotic. Also: Jennifer Aniston's totally a paranoid stoner.

Don't mistake a tryptophan coma for Phyllis Nefler's mellow; Thanksgiving weekend involves sitting in Mama Nefler's basement and packing a round of the NYT Weddings & Celebrations. This week: Trekkies, West Wing fans, and Scopes Monkey celebrities.

What do Lady Gaga, Dan Abrams, Lady Gaga's Penis, and Rachel Sklar have in common with JFK? They're all out to shut down my Macarthur Grant-level work on the Lady Gaga Penis Conspiracy. Sklar claims to have done it.