Every political reporter in the nation was so consumed by one ridiculous non-story over the holiday weekend that they missed the biggest ridiculous non-story of the month: Chelsea Clinton is engaged!

Watch the former British Prime Minister rock out in a mash-up for all the Clash Fans out there. We feel as though this kind of thing wouldn't work quite as well with American politicians.

[Cameron Diaz wonders if anyone will notice if she gives Tom Cruise a shove off the top of the Gothic Palace in Seville, Spain, which they toured on Saturday. Image via Bauer-Griffin]

Good morning! Welcome back from the long holiday weekend. If you're like us, you're probably wondering why pictures of Michael Showalter and Michael Ian Black are the first things you see at the top of the home page. It's a glitch, we're told, that's running art from two different ad campaigns on the site right now. Update: the whole thing has been taken down until the issue is resolved. Thanks, ad folks.

Catherine Zeta-Jones leaving her apartment to walk the dog ... Michael Douglas walking with kids Carys and Dylan ... Alec Baldwin chatting with Mary Louise Parker in Central Park ... Mickey Rourke buying a puppy with his girlfriend at a pet shop in the West Village ... The City's Freddie Fackelmeyer shopping at Kmart on Sunday with his girlfriend ... Donald Trump arriving on the set of Wall Street 2 ... Jude Law leaving his apartment in the Village ... Cate Blanchett walking with her kids ... Will Ferrell leaving Chelsea Market with his family ... Josh Duhamel taking a break from filming his new movie to play football ... and Russell Crowe leaving Club Macanudo on East 63rd Street.

Kudos to the Washington Post for its Style section feature today on Med Grow Cannabis College. Who ever heard of such a thing?! Wait. The New York Times had it when? Saturday? This past Saturday? Fucking fuckity fuck.

While you were busy watching football, eating dry turkey, and flashing tense, frozen smiles at your annoying relatives, Tiger Woods was getting beaten senseless by his wife. Here's a round-up of what we know in case you were otherwise engaged.

Watch this beagle claws its way to the top if a cage and jump to freedom.

Goldman Sachs just can't catch a break. The embattled bank faced another round of construction trouble over the weekend when glass panes atop of Goldman's new 43-story HQ on Vesey Street—the one Mayor Bloomberg described as one of the safest buildings in the city—rained down on the street below. No one was injured in the incident, but the shattered glass did disrupt traffic for two hours, quite possibly adding several thousand motorists to the list of people who now despise Goldman Sachs. [NYP]

This actress started barfing up her meals to get skinnier than another starlet for a job. Now she can't stop! Also on a tear, a drug-using, dominatrix-loving athlete and a couple of closeted actors. It's enough to make you puke.

There are two ways to "get into" journalism. One: Go to journalism school and rise through the ranks of the establishment. This is dumb. The other way: Fly off to a war zone and start reportin'! This is also dumb.

November 30, 1944 Lucille Ball marries Desi Arnaz in Greenwich, Connecticut.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

The fire that injured NY1 anchor Dean Meminger's dad was not sparked by crack pipe.

• Former Giants defensive end Michael Strahan has put his 2,000-square-foot loft at 25 Murray Street on the market. The one-bedroom pad, which Strahan bought for $1.635 million in 2008 but has barely used since he spends most of his time in LA these days, is currently listed for $1.85 million. [WSJ, PDE]
• The lower half of George Gershwin's former duplex at 132 East 72nd Street has gone into contract after more than nine months on the market. The two-bedroom co-op had most recently been listed for $3.05 million. Meanwhile, socialite Debbie Bancroft's apartment, which is located one floor up and comprises the second half of Gershwin's former home, is still on the market for a reduced price of $1.5 million. [Cityfile, Corcoran, BHS]
• African telecom mogul Yerim Sow has re-listed his three-bedroom pad at 15 CPW. Sow bought the 36th-floor condo in 2008 for $10.3 million and put it up for sale in May for $21 million, pulling down the listing a month later. Now it's up for sale again and listed for $21 million once more. [Cityfile, Corcoran]
• Real estate mogul Elie Hirschfeld has put his East Hampton estate up for sale. The 12,000-square-foot manse is listed for $25 million. [Real Deal, Sotheby's]

Sources say disgraced Republican financier Tim Durham (pictured, as the mad hatter) hangs out with perpetual parasite Kato Kaelin (in the flight suit), targeted the Amish and keeps a room in his mansion for Ludacris.

Mike Bloomberg spent a fortune on his campaign for a third term and still only managed to prevail by less than five percentage points, so it's probably to be expected that the mayor's staff dropped this piece of news on the day after Thanksgiving. According to data released on Friday, Bloomberg spent a record $102 million on his reelection campaign (or $174 per vote), a figure that is expected to go up once the mayor hands out a big bunch of thank-you bonuses to senior members of his staff. [NYT, NYDN, NYP]

Remember all those rumors that Chelsea Clinton was going to marry her longtime boyfriend, Marc Mezvinsky, in Martha's Vineyard this past summer? That never happened, of course, but the couple is now officially one step closer to tying the knot. Clinton and Mezvinsky sent out an email on Friday to announce they're engaged. [ABC News]

"Real Housewife" Jill Zarin turns 46 today. Ben Stiller is turning 44. Actor Gael García Bernal is 31. Writer/director David Mamet is 62. Model Chanel Iman is turning 20. Director Ridley Scott is turning 72. TV legend Dick Clark turns 80 today. Billy Idol is 54. Elisha Cuthbert, the actress and ex-girlfriend of Sean Avery, is 27. Actress Amy Ryan turns 40. Performance artist Marina Abramovic is 63. Retired NFL and MLB star Bo Jackson turns 47. Watergate burglar-turned-radio host G. Gordon Liddy is 79. Clay Aiken is turning 31. And Joan Ganz Cooney, the Sesame Street creator, wife of billionaire financier Pete Peterson, and step-grandmother to PC Peterson, is 80.

Even some of the broadsheets can't resist the car-crash/affair/police avoiding story. His driving difficulties, and Iran's threat to carry on a nuclear program, are the big stories today.