An Italian court convicted Amanda Knox for murdering her study abroad roommate; four American teens have been arrested for a roadside prank that turned near-fatal in Japan. America, it's time to stop screwing up on foreign soil. Here's how.

Ho ho ho! How can we ruin your Christmas today? I know: a public service campaign that instructs men to purchase pap smears for their special women as holiday gifts.

Talk about bad timing. Bryon Bell, the friend/employee who allegedly booked the tickets for Tiger's and Rachel Uchitel's sexy rendezvous in Australia, is apparently getting married this weekend, and TMZ says Tiger was supposed to be the best man. [TMZ]

We're in such a rush to get the hell out of Iraq that we're leaving as much as $30 million worth of equipment there. "In Iraq, people drive around in new Yukons, Suburbans, Envoys," said one official. Sweet rides! [WaPo]

Should this be so surprising? Bullock dyes her hair blonde, stars in an uplifting film about underprivileged youth and sports, and scores a number one hit—finally busting New Moon out of the top box office slot.

Earth! Fire! Wind! Water! Heart! Sex! With your powers combined... I am the Copenhagen climate summit! Starting tomorrow, delegates to the COP15 summit will be saving the world and maybe getting laid a lot, thanks to free prostitute sex.

You thought the foreign agent that'd attempt to bring down American would be named something more discreet (or cooler) than "Mister Squiggles," didn't you? Hence, the ingenious of it all. Mister Squiggles is here, and he wants to destroy us.

One of the basic components of a scientific study is the control group. For a study about the effects of pornography on men's sexuality, the control group would be composed of men who haven't consumed porn. These men don't exist.

James Perry is a former Eagle Scout and nonprofit executive who is running for mayor of New Orleans. In a new campaign ad, Perry enlists some angry friends to comment on the "insidery" nature of the race. Bleeps galore, ahead!

"The boos turned to cheers when Vick scored on a 5-yard run in the third quarter for his first touchdown of the season." [AP via NYT]

Any video emailed to you with the words "oh christ" as the only context with which to view it is worth a look. This did not disappoint. Via Andrew Sullivan, presenting the worst issue-ad I've seen in a long time.

Rivers and his family were in a bus going from one gig to another when their bus slid on some ice, CNN reports:

Two more—two more!—Tiger Tails came out this morning. Are you sure you didn't sleep with Tiger Woods? The Tiger Woods Mistress Dossier has been updated. The full list, after the jump.

Don't think you're ever getting married? You probably won't, you jaded prick/insecure pansy. You think marriage is "outdated," right? Talk to the Phyllis Nefler about "progressive" as she explains the NYT's Weddings & Celebrations connection with fighting the alien threat.

Bling Bling, go the Somali Pirates. After all, what, you think they do it because it's fun to be a pirate? Not necessarily. They're do it for the scrilla, the scratch, the cold, hard cash. And now they're getting spendy.

Touchy subject of would-rather-not proportions: threats made against the 44th American President. There are fine lines between free-speech and danger. The New York Times reports on the people who draw them seeing an early spike, but still being strong concerns.

There was a brief time in history when Devon Sawa was a star and Slackers was his crowning achievement.

Yesterday, 1:15PM, Union Square Uptown 4/5/6: Guy slips into the gap. "He suffered head, neck, shoulder and chest injuries after getting himself wedged between the train and the platform." Be careful out there, kids! Your mothers/bloggers are worried. [NY Post]

Hotmess Courtney Love reports that hotmess Britney Spears was molested as a kid. Usher is a girlyman. Captain Scuzzybutt Esq. will make Page Six one day. Natalie Portman's "tits." Barbara Cocoran's PR team. Presenting your late-edition Saturday Morning Gossip Roundup:

So, tonight's SNL—with Blake Lively as host as Rihanna as musical guest—is actually kind of funny! Who knew they still had it in them?