Our favorite fake answer is tech investor Peter Thiel's theory that the interent is a harmless network of FAX machines. Always running PR for our future robot overlords, that one.

Last night on Colbert's "the craziest f**king thing I've ever heard," was a creature found in New Jersey that attaches itself to an animal's tongue and feeds off it. We're pretty sure it's called a Snooki.

Kristen Wiig is a comic genius. So our hearts went pitter-patter when we learned she was getting an entire Saturday Night Live primetime Christmas special. But then: of course the NBC suits picked her most annoying, only unfunny character.

Because no one will pay money for a "newspaper" any more, newspaper companies are selling other crap, out of desperation. They all sell wine, for example. Now there is a new "Wall Street Journal Store." Let's peruse its fine offerings.

If you're looking to pick up a tiny apartment—or you're interested in rubbing shoulders with one of the city's most prominent hedge funders—keep in mind that Bill Ackman will be personally auctioning off the 322-square-foot guest suite/maid's residence he owns at The Majestic tonight. The show kicks off at 8pm and Ackman will be providing the wine. You just need to bring your checkbook, be ready to bid at least $300,000, and be prepared to close this week. Ackman, in case you're wondering, is decamping to The Beresford, where he picked up an apartment for $26 million and where, we sincerely hope, he earns an invite to join fellow residents John Stossel and John McEnroe in their regular beach volleyball games in Central Park. [Curbed]

Congratulations to lizbolduc for being the first person to answer today's Freeze Frame. Click through for the answer.

Today at Gawker.TV, we inspect Michael Bay's 360-degree "hero shot," the remaining members of The Jackson Five do reality TV, Million Dollar Listing finale, Gilly gets her own SNL Christmas special, and we take a look at the frequent-flyer obsessed.

In today's fail video, a Tarzan impersonation turns out a little more "George in the Jungle" than "King of the Apes."

His car accident was revealed as a marital fight; then his philandering was exposed as serial, then as breathtakingly systematic. Now, with his mother-in-law hospitalized and his wife humiliated, Tiger Woods faces real family tragedy. How'd he get here?

Don't be too shocked if a normally liberal fashion designer suddenly comes out against the idea of health care reform. In addition to a tax on plastic surgery, Senate Democrats are now thinking about taxing tanning in order to pay for a health care bill. [Congress Daily via The Cut]

The Way We Live Now: Doubling our money in six months, just you watch. House flipping is back! And not a moment too soon; pauper retirees have to raise money to pay for the subway fare hikes. Real Estate, huzzah!

After Ontario Hockey League's London Knights scored their first goal last night, their fans threw teddy bears onto the ice to go to needy children during the holidays. Can Canada go ONE DAY without making America look like heartless jerks?!

The MTA may be forced to make deep cuts to bus and subway service next year as it contends with an estimated $343 million budget gap. But have you been on one of those super-advanced "experimental turbine hybrid" buses that the MTA is thinking about importing from New Zealand? They're as "quiet as a tomb" and bus drivers absolutely adore them! So at least someone is going to end up happy! [MyFoxNY, NYT]

MTV's latest reality series, Jersey Shore, has some people—such as really humorless Italian-Americans—pretty pissed, as you may have heard. Before the show even debuted, Unico National, the same group that repeatedly criticized HBO over The Sopranos, issued a statement to the media lambasting the program. It's since lined up support from several other Italian-American community groups and convinced at least two advertisers—Domino's and American Family Insurance—to stop advertising on the show.

As if a Muslim president wasn't bad enough, now we have a Cablinasian golfer trying steal the white man's women. It's outrageous. The only solution is outrageously stupid pundit statements. Today: Rush Limbaugh vs. Eugene Robinson. Vote below!

CBS actually dropped the ax earlier today so by the time David Faber talked to Moonves, he'd probably already heard the show will end next September. But it was probably a call from his wife, Jenny: Jenny Faber's mother is Marie Masters, who started in the role of Dr. Susan Stewart in 1968. She left the show in 1979 only to return in 1986. She still plays the character occasionally today and even served as a writer on the show at one point.

All of these children are born in the year 2000. They think Britney Spears is some girl with a shaved head, Napster is someone sleeping, and the sound of dial-up comes from a satellite. Aww, kids are so stupid cute!

Somebody warn this kid's parents about Billy Ray Cyrus! Now that Miley is older, this lip-synching tyke is the perfect age to be groomed for the country throne. We see mass-merchandizing opportunities — including a line of miniature cowboy boots.

This morning CBS announced that it would be canceling the soap, which has been on air for over 50 years. Earlier in the year, it ended the longest-running soap of all time, Guiding Light. Are soaps dead?

If, like any devoted son or daughter, you were planning to buy your mom a fake Louis Vuitton bag for Christmas and pass it off as the real thing, you may now need to make other arrangements. The NYPD staged a raid on counterfeiters on Canal Street earlier today and shut down 30 storefronts that were selling fake bags, watches, and wallets, and perfume. [WABC, NBC]