What is this we spy with our jaded eye? It is a new Mark Penn patented Microtrend column. We have not forgotten you, Mark Penn, you shady, shady character! Today, Mark Penn explains why god is dumb.

Consider the Douche: A Study Tucker Max, douchebag, is famous exclusively for claiming to be an asshole. Yet all who know of him know that the term "douchebag" is the correct one. Why is this? What makes a douchebag a douchebag, as opposed to an asshole? The following thoughts have been set down by way of rumination on the ways and methods of the douche and how shall ye know him. For the purposes of this essay, the douchebag is assumed to be male. While it is true that females can exhibit douchebag behavior, they are usually too busy fighting off male douchebags to do so. Those most often mistaken for female douchebags, Julia Allison among them, tend to be divas, another creature entirely. It is also for this reason that I would argue against "douchebag" as being a sexist term. The Jezebels have pointed out that the insult is based on something a woman uses. I say that a smart woman uses a douchebag when she has to—and then she throws it away. Sounds like the perfect metaphor to me. Douchebagging is a young man’s game. After the age of 40, the classic douchebag becomes a scumbag—which is to say, a douchebag left out to become all cruddy and murky with the bitterness of middle age. Scumbags, like hyenas, are still essentially bottom-feeding losers, but years of failure and sexual rejection have turned them mean and honed their low, animal cunning. A scumbag can be violent in a cowardly way if you let your guard down. A douchebag is always a coward, period. Another thing to note: douchebaggery is primarily concerned with establishing channels of social power based on the pack mentality. There is never a lone douchebag—they are social animals. The term "douchebag" does not apply to such as Rush Limbaugh or Lou Dobbs. Aside from the issue of age (both Dobbs and Limbaugh being heaps of decaying, rot-bloated, cholesterol-laden, pre-cancerous flesh), neither is interested in social interaction per se, or in sex, the other great idée fixe of the douchebag. They, like most politicians and media figures, are festering shit-swollen boils on the ballsack of Beelzebub, but they are not douchebags. The simplest way of conceiving it is this: a douchebag is a failed asshole. The asshole is the true alpha-personality: the douchebag is the cowed, quivering copycat. The asshole rarely thinks of his own assholishness—the douchebag plots and plans his assholery, only to have it collapse into a wet splashy puddle of douche. The asshole can, on occasion, be charming, attentive, generous or cultured—this is what makes him attractive, and therefore dangerous. The douchebag is never anything but a schmuck. The douchebag worships and loves and hates and envies the asshole. The asshole never notices the douchebag, except on those rare occasions when he is inspired to crush the douchebag to a pulp. The douchebag dreams of being an asshole. The asshole does not dream—he’s too worn out by fucking the douchebag’s girlfriend. Assholes can be talented, even geniuses—thus the frequency one hears the term; "Gee, X is absolutely amazing at BLANK, but he’s kind of an asshole." In this case, some of the perceived assholishness of the asshole comes from his willingness to put his talent before other human interaction. Assholes win Nobel prizes, Olympic swimming competitions, Academy Awards. The douchebag has no talent other than an ability, under certain circumstances, to appropriate the asshole’s talent as his own. Sex for the asshole is really about pleasure—his pleasure. That of the woman (or of the other man), comes a distant second or not at all. Sex for the douchebag is about power—first over the woman (in addition to being primarily male, douchebags are exclusively heterosexual), and then over the team of fellow douchebags he plans on bragging to of his conquest. Pleasure never enters the equation for either person because the douchebag always has one hand on his blog. Assholes can be discrete, basically because they don’t want people to realize whatever sort of kink they’re into. Douchebags are nothing if not vanilla in the sack, but are compelled to invent all sorts of grotesque practices, encounters and partners to cement their asshole status. Thus, Tucker lying about filming butthex in Opie & Anthony is the true epitome of douchebag. Now, I’m not going to fly a big banner for assholes. Given the choice between asshole and douchebag, it is better to be neither. The life of an asshole is essentially a tragic one, leading to wasted talent, estranged families, friendless existences, financial ruin and something very, very, very wrong with your liver. No one possessed of a moiety of their marbles could ever point to a raging asshole and say: "Go thou, and do likewise." However—and here’s where Tucker Max comes in—true assholes never make a fetish out of their own assholishness. An asshole, like a tornado or a killer whale or some other initially impressive but ultimately destructive thing, simply is. James Bond, perhaps the ultimate asshole—a cold-blooded murderer, a spy, a sociopath—never once called himself an asshole. It was just: "Bond. James Bond." (Conversely, Pussy Galore, also an asshole, never had to say: "Gosh, I’m good at fucking!’) It is the burden of the douchebag to continually trumpet his own fake asshole status. If someone tells you "I’m an asshole" you are almost certain to be dealing with a douchebag. An asshole may tell you a horrific story of his past that leaves you thinking "wow, what an asshole;" the douchebag tells you the same story (which he heard first from the asshole), gingerbreads it to the point of obvious absurdity and concludes: "Yup, I’m really an asshole!" Tucker Max has attempted to parlay his own weasely life into the Elysian Fields of Asshole, but belies his quest with every act. A remora fantasizing about being a shark, he describes himself as an asshole, blabs and boasts of his assholery, lies—obviously—about his stories, and is forced, douchebag that he is, to hire thugs to serve as his asshole-muscles (no asshole ever relied on some other dude to do his brawling). Panting desperately for the sacred status of mythological assholes such as Jack Nicholson, Marlon Brando, Miles Davis, Prince Harry, Robert Maplethorpe or Mick Jagger, he has succeeded only in making himself look ever more the quivering, bullying, squealing, lisping, jelly-bellied, flipper-waving, khaki-pants-wearing, Mommy’s apron-clinging, frat-boy pee-stained sloppy-boppy poopy-pants pile of douche. And this, friends and neighbors, is why Tucker Max is my vote for Douche of the Decade.

Clearly the theme of the week is The Sing-Off at Gawker.TV. In recognition of that, today's Cheesy Holiday Retro Jam stars none other than the shows' host, Nick Lachey during his boyband days.

What is just the latest thing that respected American political figurine Sarah Palin has done? She was spotted cavorting about on the beach in a visor with John McCain's name totally blacked out. Her Sharpie-based assault has not gone unnoticed.

[Ashley Olsen explains why she loves Parliament Lights while enjoying one outside of Saint Ambroeus in the West Village last night. Image via INF]

Watch this anteater drink wine straight from the cup.

Whereas TLC has great re-enactments of women giving birth to babies in bathrooms, Spike gives them a run for their money with a bloody rendition of a man's penis being severed by wildlife.

Lehman Brothers may have gone bankrupt 15 months ago, but the liquidating firm is still paying out $50 million in year-end bonuses to some 230 employees. [Bloomberg, WSJ]

Andrea Peyser: "To say that elevating [Diane Sawyer to news anchor] is anything other than affirmative action is a fantasy...Yes, the long-ago aide to President Nixon is a WASP with a long on-air career. But she is a dame." Okay?

A pregnant Padma Lakshmi withdrawing cash from an ATM ... Nicole Kidman leaving her apartment building in the West Village ... Penelope Cruz and Javier Bardem arriving at JFK ... Kelly Bensimon shopping at Whole Foods ... Keri Russell talking on her cell phone ... Hugh Jackman picking up daughter Ava from school ... Catherine Zeta-Jones exiting her apartment building on Central Park West ... Josh Duhamel and Fergie walking around SoHo ... Rachel McAdams getting out of a car in front of ABC studios ... Ashlee Simpson and Pete Wentz leaving Bloomingdale's with their son Bronx ... Sarah Jessica Parker walking in the Village ... and Bethenny Frankel walking her dog in Midtown.

Not only does this celeb like his boys skinny, he loves a side of scandal too. This actress can't get the paps to care about her engagement and a new famous mommy is down in the dumps. Drama, drama, drama.

Watch this kid wow the crowd to the strains of 'Baby Got Back.' His mastery of the moonwalk is sick.

Conde Nast's beautiful holiday gift this year: a $15 gift card to the Conde Nast cafeteria. Oh, you really shouldn't have!

Getting a traffic ticket is no fun. Completely losing it and shrieking like a 5-year-old with ADHD who has run out of ritalin is certainly not the usual reaction.

December 17, 1969 50 million TV viewers tuned in to see singer Tiny Tim marry Miss Vicki on The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson.

• Glenn Beck has put his house in New Canaan, Connecticut on the market. And he's preparing to take a loss on the sale. The right-wing Fox News host (and gold pitchman) has listed the 8,720-square-foot, six-bedroom home for $3.999 million, which is a quarter of a million dollars less than what he paid for the 2.87-acre estate back in 2005. [Real Estalker, LLR]
• The former Dakota residence of the late model/actress Ruth Ford is now on the market. The three-bedroom co-op, which Ford used to host the likes of Truman Capote, Tennessee Williams, Edward Albee and Terrence McNally over the years, is up for sale for $7.5 million. [Cityfile, Corcoran]
• An unidentified "Manhattanite couple" has reportedly gone into contract to buy two duplex penthouses at 166 Perry Street. The apartments had been listed together for a combined $24 million. [Curbed, Corcoran]
• Brooklyn borough president Marty Markowitz and his wife, Jamie, have paid $1.45 million for a two-story home in Windsor Terrace. [NYDN]

We've updated our New York Times layoff victims list. If you have info, email us.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

It's (another) bad day to be Tiger — this time because the AP voted him athlete of the decade and everyone has new jokes about his 'athleticism'. But it's a good day to be an insurgent fighting US predator drones!

Remember how Chuck Schumer called a flight attendant a "bitch" last weekend and was forced to issue an apology yesterday? Well, it turns out Schumer has a history of acting aggressively on planes. Has Schumer ever shoved you out of the way while exiting an aircraft? Has he ever demanded that you switch seats with him, just so he didn't have to sit in the middle? If so, contact the Post at once! [NYP]