Adding to the pile of completely unnecessary, yet awesome talents is this guy. Who can literally grab a set of keys from across the room with a tape measure. As impressive and useless as a gold-plated turd.

Club owner and incorrigible attention addict JE Englebert is back with another shameless publicity stunt. He says he's auctioning off an outfit that Tiger Woods Mistress No. 1 Rachel Uchitel wore when she worked as a VIP hostess at TAO in Las Vegas. But he's giving the proceeds to a charity that fights domestic abuse, so it's all cool. Or not. Englebert's latest typo-ridden press release is below.

Fine, here: Jamie Jungers, the most desperate of the Tiger Woods love interests, is being repped by incompetent superflack (and Douche candidate) Ronn [sic] Torossian's 5WPR. We're told this was filmed right in the 5W office. Seems right. CLARIFICATION:

Straight from last night's local news outta Chattanooga, Tennessee: an inebriated little boy steals Christmas from all of his neighbors! Scrooge-in-the-making or future alcoholic? You decide.

[Straight allies Robert De Niro and Bruce Springsteen show President Obama their support for gay rights at a reception for the Kennedy Center Honors recipients at the White House on December 5. Image freshly uploaded to the White House's Flickr]

A defacto bodyguard lived at Princeton with Griff Harsh to assuage the kidnapping fears of his mom, California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman, according to a longtime Gawker commenter close to the university. And the rich kid's suspension? Probably academic.

If there's one thing America needs more of to solve its obesity crisis, it is flashing electronic doo-dads. And pricey customized gizmos. Combine these with exercise video games, and brother, you are the fitness person of the future!

The job market has improved a tiny bit. According to the Department of Labor, New York City added 10,000 jobs last month and the city's unemployment rate dropped to 10 percent, compared to 10.3 percent for the month of October. It isn't much, no—NYC has lost 139,000 jobs since last August—but just be grateful the numbers aren't heading in the other direction. [Crain's]

Last night on Twitter, someone impersonating a newspaper writer falsely reported the death of football player Chris Henry. Henry died about 12 hours later, according to news reports, finally making one of Twitter's many fake stories come true.

On Steven Seagal: Lawman, we see that Steve isn't just a Zen Kung-Fu Police Master, he also happens to be an excellent marksman. But is he an excellent teacher? Ehhh, not so much.

Snoop's been on a publicity frenzy this week. So far, he's been on Colbert, Wendy Williams, Conan, and the View. Friday, he'll be on Jimmy Kimmel. Can you guess which questions Jimmy and Snoop will be exchanging? We can.

Recently, Glenn Beck has come under fire for his blatant conflict-of-interest as a pitchman for Goldline. But what will the left say when one of their own, Mad Men's John Slattery, preaches how to survive in the afterscape? Listen.

There was a protest outside Goldman Sachs this morning! The turnout wasn't great, but the handful of people who did turn out came armed with a special song. (It's to the tune of "Jingle Bells.") A video clip of the action is below.

The plot: Four friends find a magical Hot Tub that transports them back to 1986, Hilarity ensues. Rob Cordry, Clark Duke, Craig Robinson accompany John Cusack in one of the weirdest-looking movies we've seen in a long time.

This prank is extremely cruel in that it crushes the hopes and dreams of a select group of devoted people. But, those people are Twilight fans so no one really cares.

Queens gym teacher Brad Ferro is so sorry sorry he punched Jersey Shore's Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi in the face on camera and we should forgive him. Why? Because he was so drunk he doesn't remember doing it! Classy.

The Shaolin Temple, Buddhist kung-fu mecca, may be part of an IPO. Awesomest sellout ever?

comedy producer (Animal House, Stripes and, er, Kindergarten Cop, as well as Ghostbusters) after being asked if The Hangover deserves a Academy Award nomination for Best Picture this year, to the New York Times' Carpetbagger blog.

This video is aimed towards that elusive niche market of party animals, those not into the novelty of a plastic hat who watch a lot of MacGuyver with a knowing grin on their mug.

On Tuesday, the New York Daily News took the New York Post to task over its new "sex, love and relationship" columnist Ashley Dupre, calling the ex-hooker's advice "useless" and bemoaning the fact Post editors have insisted on giving Dupre a "16th minute of fame." But the Daily News is a friend to publicity-seeking former sex workers, too! Look no further than Kristin Davis, the madam who claims she provided escorts to former Gov. Eliot Spitzer. Over the past 11 months, the News has mentioned Davis in no fewer than 16 articles, many of which link to her website and plug her self-published paperback book. (Just yesterday, she earned a mention when the Daily News' Gatecrasher column interviewed Davis about her plans to run against Spitzer for state comptroller in the event he decides to run himself.) It's almost like the paper has Davis on speed dial, doesn't it?