These things look like that thing.

It's a good thing many investment bankers are collecting record bonuses. Working on Wall Street just got a lot more expensive! Citigroup raised its cafeteria prices by five percent today, a move that follows UBS's decision last week to begin charging employees ten cents for cardboard lunch trays and Deutsche Bank's recent decree that plastic coffee cups will no longer be available and employees will have to bring a mug of their own to work. [Business Insider]

Time's excellent article about gay politicians in Europe faring better than in American cites three Ministers of Culture. It may be easier across the pond, but they're still just asking gays for which Broadway show to see.

Dana Carvey is no stranger to sketch comedy—starring in The Dana Carvey Show 13 years ago. It lasted one season. Let's hope this foray will be successful, because The Dana Carvey Show was years ahead of its time.

Perpetually put-upon man Michael Wolff says he was a key source for the NYT's Roger Ailes profile yesterday, but that the paper didn't credit him, because of his comical nonstop feud with David Carr. Free column topic, Michael! Win-win. [Newser]

Cost of Ramen Noodles package: 25 cents. Cost to make them healthier according to this video: roughly $2,000.

The world's most talented woman is Lady Gaga, but who is the world's most talented man? Richard Branson? Daniel Day-Lewis? Jackie Chan?! No, it's the unnamed man in this video. Watch as he out-jumps, out-flips, out-juggles, and out-performs everyone.

Let's get the most obvious example of hypocrisy out of the way first: Michael Steele says Harry Reid should resign for his statements about Barack Obama, because Trent Lott had to resign. 2002-era Steele felt differently.

Did you see that scary man put a bullet in Buster Bluth's eye last night? We're guessing this is probably the first time that Wilson Phillip's "Hold On" has been used in a brutal murder scene.

Check out this cockatoo rocking out to a classic Backstreet Boys song. Obviously, he's the coolest bird on the block.

This weekend saw more huge numbers for the little chamber piece Avatar, an unsurprisingly British runner-up, and three debuts that didn't go huge but did a-OK. Did you see any of these this weekend?

Whenever a 30 year-old woman dies tragically, alone, her dead body lying undiscovered for days, capping a horrifically fucked up life, one is always tempted to ask oneself: Shouldn't we treat this event "as a glamorous celebrity happening to which we should aspire?" Eschew the temptation, friend! Andrea Peyser, an expert on sex fiends of all stripes, shall put this in perspective for you:

Star Variety reporter Mike Fleming—the scoop outlet of choice for movie types—is leaving to run Deadline/New York, the NYC outpost of Nikki Finke's operation. Nikki made another hire in London. Good luck, trades! [Thompson on Hollywood]

At a talent show in Milwaukee, this little guy delights the crowd with dance moves that would make Pauly D proud. His skills probably ensure Mac status when he makes it to high school in seven years.

Renee Zellweger and Bradley Cooper loading up an SUV before heading to the airport ... Blake Lively shopping with friends in the meatpacking district ... Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi leaving the studios of WPIX on Friday ... Chris Noth paying a visit to the Museum of Natural History ... Annie Potts leaving the Jacobs Theatre after a performance of God of Carnage ... actor Zachary Levi arriving for an appearance on The Late Show with David Letterman ... and Leighton Meester standing on the set of Gossip Girl.

So last week some humans decided to blow the crap out of some stupid tree that made a big mistake by growing. Well the trees are fed up. Watch as this mighty oak exacts revenge on a wood shed.

This jock thinks it's a turn-on to tell ladies he eats his ejaculate. Classy! The porn star that this actress wants to play on screen did the same, and maybe a smarmy record exec does too. It's an all-you-can-eat buffet.

John Liu only became New York City's comptroller 10 days ago. But the self-important, gaffe-prone ex-city councilman has already managed to make himself look idiotic: "New York City's new comptroller, John Liu, has ordered his staff to rise whenever he enters the room and to address him as "Mr. Comptroller. The new presidential-like formalities were laid out during a series of meetings last week that had veteran denizens of the Municipal Building snickering behind his back, sources said." [NYP]

Because we grew up reading newspapers, we take a look at what they print each day. Today: Mudoch-owned paper goes big with a report that Conan O'Brien is going to a Murdoch-owned network, and Goldman Sachs breaks out tiny violins.

After getting some coffee milkshake at The Coffee Bean, Miley gets her Prius' mixed up (a common mistake), and a throng of photographers guide her in the right direction. What would humanity do without the help of the altruistic paparazzi?