[A creature identified as Jessica Alba hangs out in Park City. You know who else was there? Stephanie Pratt. Why on Earth is Stephanie Pratt at Sundance? Image via INF]

The Haiti earthquake: Sad, right? Especially for the media—our heroes on the front line, right there in dirty Haiti. Now, the media must start coming home, as heroes. Most are leaving gradually; one network's leaving fast as hell.

"On Friday afternoon a woman taking an adult education class at the Metropolitan Museum of Art accidentally lost her balance and fell into 'The Actor,' a rare Rose Period Picasso, tearing the canvas about six inches along its lower right-hand corner." [NYT]

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

The Washington Post, reeling from a takedown in The New Republic last week, has a peerless front page today — and reveals the real, terrorist, dangers of botox.

• Are Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie splitting up? That's what Britain's News of the World reported over the weekend, suggesting the (unmarried) couple has been meeting with their lawyers in LA to divide up their assets. Whether any of this is true or it's just another rumor is unclear. According to a source that spoke with People, "everything is fine" between Jolie and Pitt, and the story of them splitting is "totally false." [NYDN, NYP, TMZ, People]
• The cast of MTV's most popular new show may not be back for another season. The kids from Jersey Shore reportedly turned down an offer which would have paid them each $5,000 per episode. MTV has since doubled its offer and informed them they'll replace the cast if they don't accept. In related news, the cast sparked a "near-riot" on Friday night when fans descended on a club in Montclair, New Jersey, to catch them in person. [TMZ, Us, NYDN]
• Diddy held a 1,000-person birthday party for his son, Justin, on Saturday night. The highlight of the evening—which was taped for an episode of MTV's Super Sweet Sixteen—was when Diddy gave his son what every 16-year-old needs: a $360,000 silver Maybach and a driver to go with it. [P6, NYDN]

Guest of a Guest is opening up an LA bureau: not just "another TMZ" apparently.

The government, via an anonymous spokesperson, has just released a statement on their website according to Reuters.

Alicia Keys turns 29 today. Ugly Betty's Ana Ortiz is turning 39. Paul Nurse, the Nobel Prize-winning head of Rockefeller University, turns 61. Architect Bernard Tschumi is 66. Kim Gandy, the feminist leader and former NOW president, is turning 56. Actress Mia Kirshner (The L Word) is turning 35. Socialite Carroll Petrie is 82. And legendary singer Etta James turns 72 today.

Four years ago, when Tishman Speyer and BlackRock bought Stuyvesant Town and Peter Cooper Village, the $5.4bn deal was the biggest of its kind "in American history," according to the New York Times. It didn't work out so well.

Brad's brother thinks something's rotten in the state of Brangelina, but other rumors conflict. Jersey Shore drives a hard bargain and risks getting shut out. Gary Coleman gets arrested. ScarJo on stage gets a rave review. Monday gossip starts now.

Robert Rodriguez has adapted a fake trailer into a real movie. But then, what is 'real' and what is 'fake'? If you're having a crisis of authenticity you'll love today's reality-bending, adaptation-filled Trade Roundup.

Linking to a report about Osama bin Laden's latest audio message, the Drudge Report uses an upside-down image of the terrorist leader's face. In his infinite wit and wisdom, Matt Drudge is trying to tell us something. But what?

This weekend, Times Style writer Guy Trebay accurately observed that the CNN reporter's default uniform in Haiti was a snug-fitting muscle shirt. This, Trebay concluded, was a sign that journalists were basically becoming slobs. But how to explain Don Lemon?

An Ethiopian aircraft has plummeted into the sea, mere minutes after its takeoff from Lebanese capital Beirut. The Lebanese army and U.N. Interim Force are searching the coast. Among those aboard was the wife of France's ambassador to Lebanon. The flight was en route to Ethiopian capital Addis Ababa. [CNN]

Summoned for jury duty in suburban Chicago, Barack Obama reportedly sent notice that he could not make it. They say the deliberation room was too small for his teleprompter. OR: The prospect of building a twelve-person consensus intimidated him. [AP]

South Carolina: Your politicians stink. Mark "All Over Your Appalachian Trail" Sanford's right-hand man, Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer, refuses to apologize for a comment comparing poor people to "stray animals," arguing we should not "feed" them lest "they breed."

For 13 years, actor Larry Anderson was the face of Scientology as star of the hilarious 40-minute conversion pic Orientation. Then he got out of the church. But what about the $150,000 he spent on E-meters and Scientology cruises?

Lenny Bruce was one of the earliest comedians to push the boundaries of comedy and the limits of free speech. In this clip from late in his career, he expounds on his legal troubles, religion and the rules.

Richard thinks I hate all of you. He's a LIAR. So I made my own meaningless superlative you can win: The C.O.C.K. Award! Anyway, we came up with tags for Brangelina's maybe breakup. Some were good. But one was superamazing.