Haiti? Old. The deficit? Boring. America's most important news story today: The fat Jets coach flipped the bird to the camera. Could this be the most inane New York Post cover of the decade thus far? It does have competition.

Andrew Young is a creepy dude, and you can understand why many Edwards campaigners were uncomfortable with his obsessive closeness to the boss. Also, christ, if his book doesn't sell we are totally going to see the sex tape.

Will you be sitting next to Paulie D on the Jitney next summer? This morning Regis and Kelly imagined a world where this could be a perfect reality.

Hey, you, put down that Tech Deck fingerboard and throw on your Jncos! After watching watch this video, you'll be surfing the pavement and doing Christ Airs in no time.

In celebration for tomorrow's kick-off of Lost's final season, we've rounded up the best artwork that can be found on the internet. Have a suggestion? Leave it in the comments.

Out in California, former Hewlett-Packard CEO Carly Fiorina is running for Senate as a Republican against terrible liberal Barbara Boxer. And her former company is, for some reason, donating a lot of money to Boxer.

Mimi the cat is unemployed and it's taken its toll on her self-esteem. She hasn't gotten out of bed all day. Here, her owner tries to motivate her to make something of herself, but Mimi's too far gone for saving.

If ten years ago someone were to tell you that Mel Gibson was going to be killed someday by blue space monkeys, you'd have figured them just as crazy as he is, right? Well you'd have been the crazy one!

John McEnroe jogging on Central Park West ... Peter Dinklage walking his dog in the West Village ... Madonna arriving at JFK ... Keri Russell carrying son River downtown ... John Lithgow leaving his apartment ... Jessica Szohr on the set of Gossip Girl in Brooklyn ... Ashlee Simpson arriving at the Ambassador Theater for a performance of Chicago ... and Jersey Shore's J-Woww posing for photos inside GLO nightclub on Long Island.

News Corp. has agreed to pay $500 million to settle three lawsuits alleging "anti-competitive behavior" by its News America unit, which publishes coupon inserts and sells in-store ads. A paper not owned by News Corp also notes the following bit of context: "In a separate case that was settled last year, News America was accused by another competitor, Floorgraphics, of corporate spying. Just as witnesses began testifying in a federal case in New Jersey, News Corporation settled the lawsuit and then days later bought the company outright for an undisclosed sum."

Finally, Andrew Breitbart is speaking out on the liberal media's railroading of phone tap pimp James O'Keefe. Bonus: Lloyd Grove also gets Breitbart to reveal when he's being cantankerous, and when he's merely being jocular. Invaluable perspective! [Daily Beast]

This little French girl is just enjoying her candy, but when her mom informs her they need to escape the wrath of pops, she knows just what to do.

Rip Torn was heroically arrested for breaking into a bank drunk and armed over the weekend. Sadly, he wasn't launching a populist anti-banking revolution; he was so drunk, "he thought he had been dozing in his home." [NYP]

This actress celebrates being out of town by sharing a bed with her female assistant. A tween star has some queer naked nudie of his own, and this singer can't keep her tits in her dress. Keep it covered, people!

The delicate balance is restored. Who wants to live in a world where Taco Bell is telling us they can make us skinny?

No one laughs harder the person filming the screwup.

An urgent, belated news bulletin: Lisa Guttilla, a gym teacher arrested Friday for illegally sexing up a 14 year-old girl, taught at the same high school as the famous Hot Sexxxy Lesbian Teachers. James Madison High's amazing current scandal tally:

• Guy Metcalfe sold his apartment at 15 Central Park West last May for $11 million. Now the co-head of Morgan Stanley's real estate investment banking group and his wife, Lisa, have picked up a new, slightly more modest abode. The couple has paid $6.125 million for a 12th-floor, four-bedroom apartment at 90 Riverside Drive. [Cityfile, Corcoran]
• Iris Marden, the ex-wife of retail heir James Marden and a broker at Stribling, has sold her penthouse at 7 Hubert Street. The three-bedroom apartment, which once appeared on the cover of Architectural Digest and first went on the market for $14.5 million in January 2009, sold for $11.5 million. [Cityfile]

[Victoria Beckham spends a day at the beach with her sons in Malibu; image via INF]

Things aren't exactly looking up for Gov. David Paterson. Over the weekend, the Post reported that a state trooper discovered Paterson "snuggling" with a woman in a utility closet at the governor's mansion a couple of months ago. ("The trooper opened the door and the first thing he saw was the governor and a woman inside and the two of them snuggling together, embracing. There was nothing more than that, snuggling, and they had their clothes on.") Today comes word that Paterson only has $620,000 remaining in his campaign coffers, which is about 20 times less than what his presumed opponent, Andrew Cuomo, has amassed in contributions thus far. Don't count Paterson out just yet, though. He huddled with some of his supporters yesterday to hash out his "winning strategy" against Cuomo, so expect Paterson to turn everything around over the next few weeks. [NYP, NYDN]