Evangelicals have gone all martial arts and want to inject a decent quantity of violence into the otherwise sedate process of praying and stuff, report the New York Times (via plaid-pants-wearing writer Ross Schneiderman). [NYT]

• Have Madonna and Jesus Luz gone their separate ways? That's what report today indicates, suggesting it was the couple's "overall lack of mutual interests" that caused the split and it was Luz who called things off. [CST]
• Rip Torn appeared in court yesterday and was formally charged with trespassing, burglary, and possessing a firearm following his arrest over the weekend for breaking into a bank because he thought it was his own house. In all fairness, though, Torn was in rural Connecticut and the "bank" is located in a two-story colonial, so this could have been a mistake that anyone could have made, no? Maybe not. Either way, Torn is now headed to rehab upstate. [NYP, NYDN, TMZ]
• Charlize Theron recently split up with her longtime partner, Stuart Townsend, but she may already have a new man in her life: Theron was spotted in LA last week on what appeared to be a date. [P6]
• Haven't the people of Haiti suffered enough? Hot on the heels of John Travolta's trip to the devastated nation to spread Scientology to the masses and now Michael Lohan and Kate Major say they, too, are planning to head to Haiti to "help" quake victims. [Radar]

You can't keep a barracuda down. Palin, perhaps dimly conscious that she had not been in any headlines recently, decided to disdain the White House chief-of-staff (and massacre the English language) in a Facebook posting last night.

Barry Diller turns 68 today. Christie Brinkley is turning 56 (not that she looks it). Former New York Post gossip columnist (and current wowowow.com contributor) Liz Smith is celebrating her 87th birthday. Colombia's most famous cultural export, Shakira, is turning 33 today. Sen. John Cornyn of Texas is 58. Broadway vet Elaine Stritch is turning 85. Food Network host Ina Garten is 62. Marissa Jaret Winokur (of Hairspray fame) turns 37. And Duane Chapman, who you probably know as "Dog the Bounty Hunter," turns 57 today.

We missed this incredibly worrying account of the (apparently) increasing Presidential aspirations of another Bush over the weekend. As we'd hate for you not to be flushed with fear, here it is now. [McClatchy]

We've spoken to someone who traveled to Haiti on a Scientology plane — and witnessed firsthand the ineptitude, quackery and irresponsibility of the church's minions in a disaster zone. Here's his account.

A rumored Diddy-J.Lo sex tape may not exist, but enters court proceedings anyway; Katy Perry used Google to figure out when Russell Brand would propose; We Are the World: Haiti Edition records, Gerard Butler jokes about being gay. Tuesday gossip!

You'd think this iPhone app would be a juggernaut from booty call heaven. You'd be wrong. One man's cautionary tale from the trenches of tech-savvy casual sex.

Matthew Broderick is coming to television. Orlando Bloom will play a creepy doctor. Anti-gay activist Anita Bryant might get a biopic. Sony Layoffs are here, though not queer. The Trade Roundup: Come, let us round this up.

Tonight, William Shatner guest hosted WWE Raw and, as Bill is wont to do, provided the Midwest and Deep South with a healthy dose of absurdity via a series of spoken word covers of "WWE Superstar Anthems."

Which fact is more befuddling: (1.) Though Sarah Palin: The Untold Story ...In Her Own Words! is written in the first person, it was made with zero input from Palin. (2.) This magazine is expected to make money.

(1.) How have white people still not learned to stop marveling at "articulate" black leaders? (2.) This should make a good attack ad for incumbent New York Senator and Ford competitor Kirsten Gillibrand.

Tonight marked the start of the second go-round of RuPaul's Drag Race, which attempts to find "The Next Drag Superstar." And while the entire episode was fierce, honey, two moments stood out: a windy-as-hell photoshoot and a lip-sync battle royale.

What happens when a group of social media freaks—including Ann Curry—get trapped in an elevator? It is electronically recorded and broadcast over the internet at near-dizzying speed. Welcome to the most thoroughly documented elevator entrapment ever.

Why would anybody pretend to be a journalist? If you're going to play make-believe, go all out: Pretend to be something cool, like an astronaut! On Hannity tonight, make-believe investigative journalist James O'Keefe continued to underwhelm us with his imagination.

Louis C.K. — the man Ricky Gervais called "the funniest stand-up working in America today" — has been working on his most offensive joke ever. Check out the still-in-construction joke in this NSFW clip.

A new, pretty impressive study shows abstinence-only sex ed convinced a "significant portion" of 6th and 7th graders to avoid humping each other for two years. What if we teach kids how to have bad sex? They'll never start! [WaPo]

Tonight we'll be glued to Kell on Earth, RuPaul's Drag Race, How I Met Your Mother, and more! What are you watching tonight? Let us know in the comments.

[A beautiful photo like this can't be bad for business, but this Brooklyn diner can't seem to attract more than a sole customer. Image via fErTaS' Flickr]

GOP pollster Frank Luntz released his "anti-financial regulation reform" talking points! The days Luntz introduces the words that everyone will use over and over again until Fox listeners have completely internalized misinformation are like holidays.