Blessed 68th birthday wishes to maniacal Elvis doppelganger and beloved North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il! While outside agitators allege that Kim's mental and physical health is flagging, we have official word that the truth could not be more opposite.

Bringing you the most important Olympics coverage on the internet, Gawker is investigating the mysteries of the games. Yesterday we discussed the Couch of Shame. Today: Why do the male pairs figure skaters have such big butts?

Video was released today by the US Missile Defense Agency of the Airborne Laser Test Bed (ALTB); a gigantic laser used to shoot ballistics out of the sky. The beams top 100 kilowatts and will be scalable for the future.

The annual Conservative Political Action Conference begins this week in Washington. The movement's leaders will speak and the GOP will plan its strategy. But this year, they're totally getting x-treme. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting "Epic Nights" at the XPAC Lounge.

Writing on the internet is not committed to paper nor subjected to the same bureaucratic intercession of minders charged with protecting institutional reputations. For loathsome New Republic Leon Wieseltier, this makes the web suspect and newfangled and just annoying.

Let me get this straight, the cutest animal in existence fell in love with, and adopted the mannerisms of, the second cutest animal in existence? Does this mean media can end now?

Onion story comes to life: fat girl edition.

Isn't flying an innate skill in all bugs that have wings? Like, they're born with the skill and it comes to them naturally? Well apparently no one told this ladybug, or it had a few too many cocktails before take-off.

She used to rail against it, but now she's had a nip and tuck of her own. This singer doesn't have anything of his own, including any money, and another singer doesn't want to marry her own fiance. Scandals abound!

The lead singer gives an enthusiastic performance of AC/DC's TNT, but the real star of this music video is the kid in the green tank top. Her moves are inspiring.

"Breaking," ha: be-hair-gelled governing robot Mitt Romney was totally attacked by a fellow patriotic American whilst in flight! Romney did not get all fucked up—or did he(??). What we know at this point:

A bed collapses, a skier attempts a snowboard jump, and a dog winds up in a sticky situation. Yup, it's AFHV at its best.

[AnnaLynne McCord, from the Peabody Award-winning "90210" reboot, blows you a kiss at Fashion Week; image via INF]

Washington Post-approved white humorist Dana Milbank, last seen being handed his own Sunday op-ed column, is now writing a book about Glenn Beck entitled Tears of a Clown. It will feature japes, jibes, jests, jokes, and possibly zingers. [Michael Calderone]

Trash company Waste Management's executive was featured on CBS's advertainment pseudoshow Undercover Boss. Today: the company announces fourth quarter profit rose 45%. Plus: companies were "given assurance that the show wouldn't damage the brand." CBS: American capitalism's last friend!

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

Indiana senator Evan Bayh stepping down is variously a catastrophe, a threat and a protest. There's also news from Afghanistan and Pakistan, and yet another debate about weight in fashion week.

The New York Post report that 24 murals and paintings went missing from a party at the Hudson Hotel last week. The pieces, as large at 6 feet across and valued at $3000 and up, were taken around 2am.

A British TV presenter took part in a BBC documentary, in which he admitted that he smothered his partner, who was dying painfully from AIDS, with a pillow. Ray Gosling, 70, now faces a police investigation. [BBC]

Wedding bells for the stylishly disheveled; Lady Gaga wears a black leotard to mourn McQueen; James Cameron works on Avatar's prequel novel; Prince William sports "suspicious" hair; Gummy Bear gets evicted. Tuesday gossip has two weddings and a funeral.