The FBI’s investigation of FIFA, the apparently corrupt-as-hell governing body of world soccer, will include a review of the bidding process that awarded the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to Russia and Qatar, an anonymous U.S. law enforcement source told Reuters. Good.

Peak startup:

CNN reports that there’s more than pizza crust linking Darron Wint to a gruesome quadruple murder committed last month inside a Washington D.C. mansion. The blood from at least one victim was found on Wint’s shoes when he was arrested, according to law enforcement sources who spoke with the news station.

“With WikiLeaks and Eric Snowden spilling our beans every day, what’s happening on the Obamacare exchanges is the best-kept secret in Washington.” Please enjoy the Guardian’s compilation of U.S. lawmakers forgetting the name of the central figure in one of recent memory’s biggest news stories.

Last July, NYPD Officer Ymmacula Pierre and her partner found Kenneth Sanden dead after being called to his East Village apartment by a concerned relative. So Pierre allegedly did what any respectable cop would do: pocket the dead man’s Mastercard and use it to buy a diamond ring.

Jamie Dimon, who has overseen both a large increase in the stock price of JPMorgan Chase and the bank’s transition into a criminal enterprise, is now officially a billionaire. We wish him all of the future success that he deserves.

Today’s AP report on the FBI’s secret use of dummy corporations and surveillance planes is startling—but what’s almost as surprising is that the same information has been circulating in the internet’s darkest corners for years.

When you see a fish like this swimming by, you might dismiss it by saying, “Don’t let that weirdo toothy monster fish touch me!” while flinging a spear. But what if you knew that that fish was actually Jesus, the Christ?

In most American cities, a man has the right to walk down the street, reach down the nearest sewer, and devour whatever fish me might find therein without being scolded by some government bureaucrat. Unfortunately, that’s no longer true in Newark, New Jersey, where health officials are now claiming sewer fish consumption is “dangerous.”

According to NBC News, Louisiana’s Republican Governor Bobby Jindal will be making “a major announcement” about his 2016 plans later this month. Which—barring an declaration that he seeks to abolish the federal government and name himself Jindalator Supreme—means that he, too, is likely running for president.

On Tuesday, a Houston man was arraigned on capital murder charges after police say he beat his 3-year-old son to death as punishment for wetting himself, KHOU-TV reports.

Cops in Montana had to let the driver of this Final Destination-looking motor vehicle go with just a ticket last week. Turns out the state legislature, for some strange reason, never thought to write laws governing the voluntary transportation of thousands of bees in the backseat of a sedan.

Film star and reigning King of Monsters Godzilla, 61, has finally been recognized as a citizen of Japan, Anime News Network reports.

Ready to hear a familiar story?

The White House announced Tuesday that President Obama has signed the USA Freedom Act into law. The bill gives the NSA six months to end the agency’s controversial bulk phone collection program. It is the first piece of congressional legislation limiting executive surveillance powers since 9/11, The Intercept reports.

Did Bobby Flay cheat on his soon-to-be ex-wife Stephanie March? Someone really thinks so!

Black market butt injections claimed another victim Saturday in a rented basement in Far Rockaway, Queens.

Two days after the sections of the Patriot Act that authorized the NSA’s phone data collection program expired in the face of a Rand Paul filibuster, the Senate passed a bill Tuesday to reinstate it, but with restrictions on what the agency can collect. President Obama, who supported the USA Freedom Act, is expected to sign it soon.

Who ruined our economy, Bush or Obama? Trick question! The economy’s never been better, for investors and rentiers. And it’s never getting better for everybody else, including the half of Americans who just told the U.S. government they’d be fucked if they needed to come up with $400, like, now.

“Atmosphere: exploring climate change,” the London Science Museum’s exhibit on global warming, is principally sponsored by Shell. You’re asking yourself: Hmm, Shell—isn’t that the name of some trendy “green” startup? No, it’s the same old Shell that fills your gas tank and that was responsible for 76 million metric tons of greenhouse gas emissions last year. What could go wrong?