Sharon fantasizes about a capitalist end for her "waterbed" chest. Lil' Wayne is finally at Rikers, and now we know his real height. Kelly Cutrone saves the world with her vibrator. Tuesday gossip is climactic.

Lindsay Lohan has gone off the deep end of paranoid narcissism. A Super Bowl ad featuring talking babies that refers to a "milkaholic" named "Lindsay" is about her, she says, and she's suing for $100M.

Police arrested Andrew Grande (porn name Dustin Michaels) with a bag of weed in his possession, which he apparently tried to swallow. When he resisted arrest, they tased him, and he choked on the bag. A reality cameraman filmed it.

An 8000-person tribe is angling to become a cause célèbre via Avatar. "Appeal to James Cameron. Avatar is fantasy... and real," their ad in Variety implores. The Dongria Kondh's land is being mined and polluted. Luckily, their publicist is shrewd.

Stephen Colbert has never liked Barack Obama, but—on tonight's episode of The Colbert Report—he finally figured out why: Obama has been going through "presidential puberty" and is finally starting to man up. (Bonus: Tom Hanks!)

Countess LuAnn of Crackerjacks, Real Housewife of New York, thinks Megan Fox's sexual revelations are just too much. "Megan Fox has a tendency to overshare... there is usually an ulterior motive for revealing so much about one's private life." [OK]

America's two oldest people died on the same day. Coincidence? Sign of the Apocalypse?

It'll be so real, you'll want to reach out the touch Jesus' stigmata. Posthumous John Hughes movie makes the rounds; Miss America's still homeless but Miss USA's safe; Hurt Locker's banned director gives speech. Your daily update on show business.

Nothing gets nerds hotter than role playing. On tonight's The Big Bang Theory, the boys buy a mixed box of junk at a yard sale and inexplicably find the prop ring from The Lord of the Rings. Then, chaos ensues.

In addition to Palin's mystery show, Mark Burnett is shopping Martha Stewart whirls into your life, whips up a quiche, and fixes everything. For the first guests, may I suggest...

How do you make Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland even weirder, and infinitely more awesome in the process? You add Lady Gaga into the mix, obviously. Check out this awesome "trailer" for Gaga in Wonderland, and prepare to be amazed.

Roger Ross Williams, the Taylor Swift to Elinor Burkett's Kanye West, appeared on Larry King Live tonight to give, uninterrupted, the Oscar acceptance speech he wasn't able to during yesterday's big event. And then he was interrupted. Video inside.

Sarah Killen, the "someone" Conan "decided to follow at random," got 17,000 follows, a wedding dress, shoes, an iMac, and raised $2600 for cancer. She also appears to be unaware that Conan is no longer on TV.

Aren't concerts inherently three-dimensional? Lady Gaga is in "talks about a 3-D concert and DVD in the near future," anyway. No newfangled techno-trend shall escape the infinite bastion of creativity that is the Lady of Gah. [MTV]

You might not know who Brian Regan is, but he's one hilarious dude. In this clip, he expounds on food, food labels and eating right in an irreverent style many attempt but few pull off as well as he does.

After "dropping bombs that explode underwater and firing rubber bullets and bean bags from shotguns" failed to stop sea lions from getting hungry and eating salmon, wildlife officials have begun executing them, one by one.

Last night there was some awards show on...I think. Oscars Schmoscars. Yay Hurt Locker, boo Avatar. Whatever. That is so yesterday. Can we focus on what's really important? Gossip Girl is finally back!

Two Engadget editors had it out over some kind of sex-gender thing; Ayelet Waldman failed to fail to book a hotel room; and Fleetwood Mac shocked Leon Neyfakh. The Twitterati left their affairs out of order.

TONIGHT: Gossip Girl is back, JLo's on How I Met Your Mother, another couple who met on The Bachelor will get married on TV tonight, Christine Taylor and Ben Stiller lend their voices to Phineas and Ferb and more!

[Some people are crazy enough to take a dip on the beach in Coney Island, even though winter still isn't technically over. Image via Getty]