Someday you are going to find that your monster children have learned a completely different and fantastical version of American history than you did. Thanks to Texas!

While Leslie Knope glimpsed the promised kingdom of the mayor's office, helping with a possum hunt that actually symbolized the ethical dilemmas of insiderism, Ron and Mark were caught in their own battle of friendship and favoritism versus workplace responsibility.

Congratulations to televisionarie for being the first person to answer today's Freeze Frame. Click through for the answer.

Today at Gawker.TV, Jessica Simpson admits to not brushing her teeth, The Office teaches us how to be men, Sarah Silverman snorts coke alongside Andy Samberg and invisible friends, and our version of Greenzone starring 30 Rock and David Schwimmer.

Close to 100 Times newsroom employees were laid off at the end of 2009. (Another 1,300 accepted a pay cut last May.) NYT CEO Janet Robinson did a lot better! She collected $6.2 million in total compensation in 2009.

Jill should've left her phone at home cause this is a disastuh! In an attempt to reconcile tensions, Jill speakerphoned Ramona to set the record straight. The record being Ramona's opinion that LuAnn is a "slut" and a "bullshitter."

After last week's recappy episode, we are now really in the shit. Last night was the real premiere of this trundling and delicious mess. And it delivered.

The Office's Ellie Kemper starred in a bit on last night's Important Things about what really happens when girls go to the bathroom together. Hint: it's not as hot as you'd think—unless you're turned on by background checks.

New York Republicans want a US Senate seat, and they would like help buying it from Michael Bloomberg, mayor-for-life and richest man in town. But they have no candidates. So, looks like they're asking Mike's girlfriend to run.

Get super-psyched for the new season of Kendra, where the new mom struggles to lose her pregnancy pounds while caring for big and little Hank Basketts. Don't miss the super-new season premiere Sunday @ 10/9c-only on E!. Trailer below!

There is something to be said about fate, and here is your proof. In this video, mother nature has a say in who will win this soccer match. Super strong winds turn this goal kick into a goal.

Matt Damon's new thriller Greenzone essentially looks like a continuation of the Bourne series, and frankly, it's getting a bit stale. This movie needs David Schwimmer playing a hard-to-kill, environmentally friendly protagonist named Greenzo. Check out the trailer inside.

After taking his boyfriend to a very public Hollywood Oscar party, is Anderson Cooper getting ready to finally come out? Who knows, but based on the very gay joke he made on Live with Regis and Kelly, he already is.

Yele Haiti, the sketchy foundation that Wyclef Jean founded to help the Haitian people—which received millions in the outpouring of generosity following the wake of the earthquake there—paid Jean's mistress and personal assistant $105,000 in 2008.

Martha had crafting kindred spirit Amy Sedaris on her show to make sashes and badges for the Girl Scout's anniversary. As her complimentary opposite, Martha knows the bizarro-world homemaker better shape-up if she wants a life of dogs wearing diamonds.

What does it mean to "grow a pair?" From courtship to work ethic to pissing contests and drinking, last night's Office showed us how to be men.

Project Runway is all about vision and delusion. The vision that the sponsors get to dream up a challenge. The delusion it will be interesting. The vision to have the bitchiest judges in the biz. The delusion they are enough.

Vogue editor Anna Wintour doesn't watch TV, says André Leon Talley, the mag's editor-at-large and the latest addition to America's Next Top Model.

The Today Show featured the first interview with recently reunited family members Tatum and Ryan O'Neal. By the questions asked by Maria Menounos, it is painfully apparent she lacks knowledge of the scandalous circumstances surrounding this "family affair."

Is there a political sex scandal double standard? Do Republicans get off easier than Democrats? Steve Benen and Matt Yglesias think so. As does every other partisan in the world!