This should end well. Unhappy with her current weight, 42-year-old mother Donna Simpson is determined to hit an even 1,000 pounds. And she's "put herself on the Internet where people can pay to watch her eat." [NYP]

Poor Barack Hussein Obama. Fred Hiatt of The Washington Post thinks he has a "happiness deficit" because he hates his job. But we have another theory: Barack Obama isn't sad... he's afflicted by SAD. Seasonal Affective Disorder.

Jennifer Aniston stopped by the Late Show tonight for a chat with David Letterman. It was... awkward? Letterman randomly recited Aniston's filmography for her, brought up her age, obsessed over a magazine spread of her house, and more. Video inside.

Alright! C-Span has "uploaded virtually every minute of its video archives to the Internet"—160,000 hours in all. There's gotta be a video of Walter Mondale with his head stuck in a paper bag in there somewhere. [NYT]

Last Thursday evening, Lady Gaga and Beyoncé asked you to spend nearly ten minutes of your life watching a bloated, overproduced infomercial. And you obliged. But did you catch Gaga's kid sister, Natali?

We aren't sure what was sleeping on Bobby Lee's head tonight on Chelsea Lately, but we do enjoy a good bullying. Luckily, most of the panel's discussion focused on Lee's super strange-looking hair piece. What the hell is that thing?

Tonight, Stephen Colbert confirmed internet rumors—ones reported by the New York Times just last month, even—that one of last week's guests on The Colbert Report is in fact the second coming of a messiah for all mankind. Video Inside.

Today, Sony Pictures CEO Michael Lynton urged theaters to offer healthier snack options to moviegoers. All that butter-laced popcorn and candy is making our children fat. Why would theaters even think of serving up such garbage in the first place?

Tonight on The Daily Show, Jon Stewart issued an equal opportunity slap on the wrist to members on both sides of the Congressional aisle for their party-driven, hypocritical responses to the sex scandals of colleagues. Inside, video of Stewart's remarks.

Academy Award-nominee Anne Hathaway: You've brought much joy to the world as the star of such films as The Princess Diaries and Rachel Getting Married (not so much for Valentine's Day) But now you must adopt this dog named Chuck.

Law and Order was full of gay pop culture references tonight. (Cheyenne Jackson! That chick from My Girl!). But nothing was as significant-not to mention as hilarious-as when prosecutors invoked "Project Design" while prosecuting a hate crime.

Titanic jokes, ahoy! The National Review is offering a delightful cruise in Portugal and Spain for anyone who wants to know what it's like to be trapped in an enclosed space for a week with the likes of Michael Mukasey.

Chile can't catch a break: Another 6.7 magnitude aftershock hit 45 miles off the coast.

Never let it be said that Gossip Girl can't provide answers to life's tough questions. For example, what do you do when your best friend and your ex start shacking up in your apartment? Fake it like you mean it.

Yesterday, Republican Arizona Senate candidate J.D. Hayworth said that allowing gay marriage would mean that "I guess you could marry your horse." Tonight he was on Maddow and acted like a man who would say this.

He Pingping, the world's shortest man, died today. He was 21 years old and 29 inches tall. Pingping was from Inner Mongolia and was very short. Here he is with the world's tallest man. RIP, tiny dancer. [Telegraph] [h/t Jbing]

The first stop on the beauty train for Jessica, her stylist Ken Paves, and her buddy CaCee was Thailand, where they ate fried cockroaches and spoke to a woman who suffered permanent scarring.

Hiroko Tabuchi took New York Times transparency to new levels; Mike Sampson found big trouble in little Austin; and Anthony Ha discovered a door was closed to him. Travel troubled the Twitterati.

[Sean Penn, doing relief work in Haiti, runs up a hill from the compound where his Jenkins-Penn Haiti Relief Operation is based near Port au Prince. Image via AP]

Tonight we FINALLY meet the crazies who spawned Cappie on Greek and art imitates life when Jenny Humphrey becomes even more of a drug peddling mess on Gossip Girl. Ahh, just what we need to get over this Monday funk.