Then you're a closeted hoopster. Won't you please head over to the Dream Visualizer to see your dream turned into a personalized animation that you can then share with all of your Facebook friends?

Warning: If you purchase a scale that tweets your weight to the world or any inanimate object that automatically updates your status you will be automatically defriended. Haven't you seen Terminator? Do not let the machines win, people.

Trey Parker and Matt Stone used last night's episode of South Park to try and be as disgusting as possible. The point was obvious, but here is the episode summarized for maximum meteffect.

As the hysterical rhetoric surrounding health care reform escalates, many lawmakers are reporting receiving violent threats. Like Eric Cantor, Republican Minority Whip, who says someone totally shot his office, with a gun. [Update: Police confirm an attack on Cantor's airspace!]

Mark this day on your calendars, people. Today is the day that Elisabeth Hasselbeck agreed with Joy Behar on The View. And it was about Sarah Palin, too! Up is down! Black is white! Cake is pie! What's going on!?!?

Just find every empty Red Bull can you can, create a piece of art (can you sculpt a giant head bearing an uncanny resemblance to Candace Bushnell or Jose Canseco—see where we're going here?) out of cans. Click here if think you can.

With the other Elevation Partners, singer Bono invested in Palm, an analyst dartboard; Yelp, a class-action magnet; and Forbes and Move.com, both financially bulldozed. He might be our "worst investor," but Bono's financial blues album should be a hit.

While filming a movie-picture in Nashville, the blogging actress recently discovered delicious fried foods. Now in her latest Goop missive she regales us with a tale of how she discovered sweet frozen parlour treats.

While the house was focused on LGBT issues last night, Ty was focused on Josh's hot mom. When Ty joined Josh on a trip to his hometown for a wedding, they instead found themselves on an express train to MILFadelphia.

Great news for those who don't find Gramercy bars gimmicky enough: at the Exchange Bar & Grill, food and drink prices fluctuate like stock prices, based on demand. So...cheap food, expensive cocaine? [ABC]

Gym class can be one of the more traumatic parts of high school if you don't possess much athletic ability. Watch as this young man breaks his dignity... and his face.

After an argument outside of LaGuardia, Robert De Niro's driver sprayed a paparazzo in the face with pepper spray. The actor was already past security when it happened. Let's hope this press aggression doesn't continue. Be careful out there, boys!

On last night's episode of this unholy fiasco, there was a romantic date, more hotel employee murder, and a Dale/Tinsley party showdown that made everyone feel just awful.

On last night's Addicted, the Albanian-born Klea was living the American dream, prostituting herself for meth and crying herself to sleep each night, until interventionist/host/emotionless mother-figure Kristina Wandzilak came along, setting her straight with her own brand of tough lovelessness.

"Release the Kraken" is shaping up to be a pretty great meme. So we decided to push it over the top by making a "Release the Kraken" video. So without further ado: Liam Neeson...please release that Kraken.

In your copacetic Thursday media column: a Russian tycoon buys a British paper, a new NYT White House correspondent, John Carney is let go, and newspapers in general had the worst year everrrrrrr last year.

Vogue editor-at-large-and-in-charge contributing editor André Leon Talley is the best thing about America's Next Top Model. How did he do on this week's episode of Tyra Banks skinny girl dog and pony show?

Here's an amazing demo of the "content-aware fill" tool that's apparently forthcoming in Photoshop CS5. The tool makes it easy to delete objects from a complex photo, without any trace they ever existed. The ramifications for internet publishing are frightening.

Not a basketball fan? Not a soccer fan? Either way, you'll find these guys impressive. Watch as a group of skilled soccer players make their transition to the basketball court.

David Ito is an assistant regional director in the SEC's Los Angeles office. He makes around $200,000 a year supervising the commission's L.A. regulators. According to a source, he was looking at porn at work during the economic collapse.