In a reimagined Duck Tales intro, the Beagle Boys enact sexually charged violence against Webby Vanderquack in a ransom plot designed only to replenish the sadistic Scrooge McDuck's money swimming pool. Why Disney never developed the storyline is a mystery.

The Avatar star insists James Cameron lost because he's not a woman. Sandy B met one of Jesse's girls. A real life Gossip Girl couple breaks up. A real life Jersey Shore couple fights. Tuesday's gossip wins by technical knockout.

You are walking down an alley and a screaming crowd comes bearing down upon you! What do you do?

The Great Magazine Die-Off of 2008-09: has it ground to a halt, leaving the industry poised to spring forward into a new decade? Maybe. How lucky do you feel, magazine people?

To promote the new season of South Park, Dutch Comedy Central made this live-action video featuring our favorite kids. It seems some things are better animated, and Cartman's girth is one of them...this kid doesn't have nearly enough authori-tay.

Well, which is it, Matt? Is Obama too subservient or too uppity? (Oh, wait—he's just uppity to the white man, as he sells our sovereignty to the Yellow Peril. Got it!)

Ever wanted to be a ninja? This is your first step. Learn how to get in rooms you shouldn't be in by learning how to pick a lock.

In a TV show guys, jeez. She's not that hard-up. Also today: pilot casting news from Patton Oswalt and others, the Footloose remake keeps hitting snags, and the original Ren lands a movie.

Here in America, Starbucks has already transformed itself from a safe haven for aspirational faux-yuppies into a place for hobos to hang out. But abroad, Starbucks' slate is still clean. China and India: Starbucks is coming for your culture money.

Aw! Wittle puppers get tired so easily. Watch this golden retriever baby fall asleep in the water bowl. Bonus: cameo by puppy siblings!

She has snow globes and designer duds stacked to the ceiling. This porn actress needs to get a hip replacement thanks to her heroin problem. This actor is picking up dudes at the gym. Everyone needs a clean up crew.

This boy is so cute singing the theme song to his favorite show. He dances, he gestures, and wears cute retro clothes.

From the New York Post's celeb photos today: "Demi Moore and Susan Sarandon meet with groups working to fight child slavery in Port Au Prince, Haiti." Noble! Now let's go to the original version of that photo.

Cellophane is good for so many things, like keeping your food fresh, or making your roommate look like an idiot.

['Big Love' fan Chloe Sevigny at a Met gala last night; image via Splash]

As a teenager in Iowa in 1930, George Nissen built the first trampoline. He later perfected it, and came to be recognized as the father of trampolining. He died last week at age 96. Mighty healthy. [NYT. Pic via]

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

A repeal of California's ban on same-sex marriage will not be voted on in November.

A Florida sheriff's deputy has been reprimanded after he playfully zapped another deputy's butt with a taser, while on-duty at the Collier County jail. Cpl. Wilmer A. Arencibia says it was "a spur of the moment thing." [AP, YouTube]

Prominent state GOP figures are looking for any excuse to avoid Sarah Palin's Boston Tea Party tomorrow, and those who do attend will be keeping a low profile. Tea Party crashers will be there too. Why the concern?