...and that's just what she'll do! Suze Orman is like a real-life Scrooge McDuck, screeching to save while she obnoxiously cavorts in her heaps of gold. During a segment of Today on New York, Suze explained why she's the best.

So you've scratched your wood. Use a nut to fix it!

Are you ready to chuckle knowingly at the predictable foibles of the past? The KC Pitch has unearthed a Journalism textbook from 1965. It predicts a bright future for journalists, hahahaha! Whew. People in the past: so stupid. Also, sexist.

After purging, she didn't want to wear her dinner on the red carpet. This actress' younger man has two Viagra perscriptions and another actress has a devious gay best friend she's trying to "turn." So many ladies, so many mistakes.

"AFRICAN BOY. Can be used as ash tray, cigarette tray, candy or nut dish. 5' high in black wrought iron. Round wooden head with beady eyes. If not available at your dealer send $2.00 to:" America. [Copyranter. Click to enlarge.]

Russia suspends adoptions by Americans, thanks to the worlds' worst mom.

This cat has a hard time jumping on the counter because it is so, so fat. Awww, cat, you are adorable.

Five year old Ariel Antigua is so awesome that it's hard to pick the best thing about him. Is it his incredible talent for baseball? That he's sure he's going to make a ton of money, but not what for?

[Important actress Chace Crawford greets fans in olde Englandtowne yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Demonic tabloid sex columnist Andrea Peyser went out to investigate these "Tea Partiers," and guess what: "They're not your father's rednecks." Um, okay? Instead, they're "The majority." But rednecks were the majority in my father's day! What?

Growing up, my parents always denied me and my sister a Slip n' Slide. "It's too dangerous," they said. "You'll break your necks," they said. Now I understand where they were coming from.

Benjamin Hooks, who became the head of the NAACP in 1977 and spent 15 years adding hundreds of thousands of members to the flagging civil rights group, has died at the age of 85.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

Nobody likes when their flight gets canceled, but it's especially aggravating if you happen to be drunk at the time. This guy couldn't leave Scotland but still wants you to know that he despises Iceland. Well done, sir.

Conservative savior Sarah Palin swooped into liberal Massachusetts yesterday for a rally on the Boston Common. There were lots of old white people, some stupid signs, and a bunch of boring speeches. We mingled. Here's what we saw.

God-hater Christopher Hitchens and professor Richard Dawkins last week said they plan to have Pope Benedict arrested when he visits Britain in September for crimes against humanity. Vatican spokesman Father Federico Lombardi says it's just a "publicity stunt." [Mirror]

He's still fuming over Tom Coburn calling Nancy Pelosi a "nice lady." But O'Reilly is really mad about Coburn's claim that Fox News says that people who don't pay for health insurance would go to jail. "Nobody's ever said it."

When 72-year-old John Swain was kicked off the Bryant Park shoeshine stand, he decided to take matters into his own hands. So he torched it. Twice. The man who fired Swain said "he seemed like a level-headed guy." [NYP, pic]

As we prepare ourselves for the excitement of Eliot Spitzer's return, we should remind ourselves what the onetime governor of New York stood for: accountability, responsibility, and banging three different hookers in a single day.

Volcanic ash from Iceland is significantly disrupting flights in and out of the UK.