The city is plagued by gun violence, so Democratic lawmakers are asking for the National Guard to use techniques learned on "nation-building assignments in Iraq and Afghanistan" to restore order. Glenn Beck was right... martial law is coming! [AP, pic]

Did you know that traders at the troubled investment bank are legendary health nuts? It's true! So could a fastfood eating contest between 10 mortgage traders at the firm have lead to the housing market collapse of 2007?

How dumb and lazy is George W. Bush? So dumb and lazy that he can't even write a real memoir! Instead, he will write "an account of key decisions in his life." We have some guesses about what those are.

South African President Jacob Zuma has announced that he's HIV-negative.

Joseph McVey was arrested on Sunday after cops discovered him with a gun and a police scanner at the airport where President Obama was taking off. He said he "wanted to see the president." Oh, well, that's OK, then!

Amanda Pogany's Honda was stolen in 2006. She just got it back. With a new engine, new tires, new rims, new windows, and new manual transmission. And a Dominican flag and "giant wooden cross." Perfect for a Judaic studies teacher.

Police let intended terrorist Najibullah Zazi through a checkpoint despite having been tipped off about the explosives he was carrying. If only he had been a black guy at a bachelor party! Enjoy your Monday commute! [WSJ]

[Sumo students attempt to make babies cry in the "Sadism Competition"—no, sorry, that's the "Crying Sumo Competition"—at Sensoji Temple in Tokyo. Tradition holds that crying is good for the health of the babies. Pic via Getty]

An Australian court order is leading Heinz to give away some 2,000 tons of pineapple to Australia's homeless community, who will use the fruit for food, and building materials, and some kind of pineapple-based currency. [news.com.au]

President Obama met with Billy Graham for the first time ever on Sunday, kicking it with the legendary pastor in his log cabin for a half hour in a special top secret Jesus meeting. What did they talk about?

Mississippi is recovering in the wake of severe storms that killed 10 on Saturday.

Last week, Breaking Bad took a trip back in time to when Walt had hair and the name "Combo" meant more than just a bodega impulse buy.

You may know Aubrey Plaza from Parks and Recreation, but she also does some mean stand-up, here she is with a spot on Sarah Silverman impression.

Looking for a reason to join al Qaeda? How about a "3,000-foot indoor dog park/canine club" offering "holistic mud masks and facials"? New York City: 38,000 homeless people and a goddamn dog night club. [NYP; image via]

Did you hear that Olympic gymnast and famous ankle-breaker Kerri Strug got married this weekend? She did, and it was in the New York Times. Which means our resident weddings expert Phyllis Nefler will judge it like a floor routine.

We just came across a truly appalling sex column that Fox News — yes, that Fox News — puts its whole fair and balanced heft behind. Buckle up for a trip to the mile high club with 'Fox on Sex'.

Last Friday, Jeff Ragsdale stood in Madison Square Park with a sign that said "I WAS VERBALLY ABUSIVE I'M SORRY, MEGAN". Some (including us) suggested this was a publicity stunt. MEGAN says it was legit.

Hippie school Reed College—my alma mater!—is in the news. Why? Because the Feds have cracked down on their end-of-the-year "Renn Fayre" celebration. They're sending in undercover cops to bust the drug-laced festivities. (And maybe play some human chess.)

First South Park upset a bunch of Triscuit-hating Islamic extremists. Now Palestinian militants Hamas have released a cartoon urging Israel to negotiate for the return of Gilad Schalit, a soldier they've held captive for nearly four years.

Bronx Senator Pedro Espada Jr.'s incompetence continues to balloon to cartoonish proportions. This weekend he ran away from a television interview after a journalist asked him a question about the time he tried to hide from her behind a baby.