The AARP surveyed over-45-year-olds and found they were more willing to cheat but, actually, they were "engaging in sex less often and with less satisfaction." The probable culprit? That damned economy and associated "financial worries." [AP]

What were you doing when you were an infant or a toddler? Probably not break dancing with abilities to straight up school some fools.

To get an idea of how brutal chimp attacks are: the Connecticut woman who was attacked by an ape in February of 2009 has just been released from hospital. She "hopes for more reconstructive surgery."

It's how she celebrated the National Day to Prevent Teen Pregnancy. Charlie Sheen's wife owns a sex swing. Kristen Stewart says she's not sulky. Meet LiLo's new best friend: Her 300-lb bodyguard. TGIFriday gossip.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

A new four-mile high cloud of ash has reportedly shot out of the the Eyjafjoll volcano in Iceland. The Institute of Earth Science said there are "no signs of the eruption ending soon." [AFP]

It's been a few days since a Catholic priest said something truly awful, so Brazilian archbishop Dadeus Grings decided it was time to tell a local newspaper all sorts of crazy shit. Hint: Gay teens really upset him.

U.S. Attorney General Eric Holder is considering a challenge to Arizona's immigration bill.

With Americans already pissed about the Gulf oil spill, Shell is worried that a legal challenge by a bunch of hippie environmentalists will crush the company's chances of ruining the Arctic Ocean. They're asking the court to hurry up. [AP]

Things turned ugly after a training session for full-body scanners at Miami International Airport this week, when TSA employee Rolando Negrin beat a co-worker with a police baton for making fun of his "small genitalia" in front of everyone.

Well, Great Britain ("America 1.0") finally held its election last night, and it looks like they'll wind up with a hung Parliament, which means Thomas Jane will be made Prime Minister. Just kidding! But seriously, who won?

So, there's this guy... George Rekers. He founded the Family Research Council. He hates gay people. Oh, except for the fact that he is gay. And he hires gay prostitutes! Tonight, Jon Stewart broke it all down for us.

[A man with strong feelings drives in California. Photo via Reddit]

There's not much to say here besides this: inside, you'll see a video of Betty White. In the aforementioned video, White plays beer pong with Jimmy Fallon. Who wins? Who gets wasted? You'll have to watch to find out. Huzzah!

Scientists working on sequencing the Neanderthal genome have discovered that 1 to 4 percent of most people's DNA is inherited from Neanderthals, proving that even back then most people were sluts who would really just sleep with whoever. [CSM]

Goodluck Jonathan is Nigeria's new president.

What has anti-gay activist George Rekers been up to since it was revealed that he hired a male escort for a European vacation? First, he wrote a letter denying everything. Then, he spoke with the escort and... didn't deny anything.

Did you know the world's largest beaver dam can be seen from space, if by "space," you mean, "Google Maps"? It is in Alberta, Canada; it is a half-mile long; and it probably took two decades to build.

The Times just published probably the most detailed account yet of the FBI's surveillance of Faisal Shahzad leading up to his capture. No mention of Army intelligence or spy planes. As the Times tells it, the FBI straight-up lost him.

Last time, on Gawker Recipes for Disaster, we made a whiskey scramble. Let's try something lighter—on the stomach and the wallet: FDA food recall salad!