On Monday, Mitchelle Blair pleaded guilty to murdering two of her children and storing their bodies in the freezer of her Detroit home. Police found the bodies of her 13-year-old daughter and nine-year-old son while carrying out an eviction notice in March.

According to a report in the Guardian, Monica Lewinsky came this close to sitting in the same box as Al Gore this weekend at Cannes before organizers wised up and tossed her out—narrowly averting a crisis, maybe, if this had happened in say, 1998. Mon dieu, quelle horreur. Can you even imagine?

This weekend, for some reason that will forever be a mystery, the human race was given a video of a shirtless Shia LaBeouf freestyle rapping in... a swamp? There are many questions. Is the freestyle good? It could be worse! Were parts of it stolen from other rappers? Yes. Should that be a surprise? No.

Breaking news out of Scarsdale, N.Y.: DJ Funkmaster Flex is trapped inside a women’s room stall—it was the only bathroom they had the key for—and a group of four women just walked in as he was trying to take a shit.

Whilst lesser news sites of the world are nattering on about the “World’s Ugliest Dog,” here is the real news: NASA has literally (Literally? Literally.) discovered a Mysterious Alien Pyramid in Space. If you don’t think that’s big news, fuck off.

Stop stealing hearses—there are bodies in there.

Andre “Christ Bearer” Johnson, the formerly Wu-Tang-affiliated rapper who cut off his own penis and jumped off a second-floor balcony last year, has finally given a full, candid explanation of why he did it. In short: “PCP and meth and molly and alcohol, and no sleep. That was the main thing: no sleep.”

As debate around the Confederate flag has roiled on the national stage, I was reminded of how, when I was in sixth grade in Virginia, a Confederate Civil War reenactor visited my American history class to tell us how fun it was to dress up in a grey wool uniform, eat hardtack, and painstakingly stage 19th century battles in the stifling Piedmont humidity.

The big-dicked murderer Richard Matt and his killer buddy David Sweat originally planned on escaping to vibrant, scenic Mexico after their daring prison break earlier this month, according to New York governor Andrew Cuomo. The duo’s scheme allegedly fell apart when Clinton Correctional Facility employee Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell failed to pick them up outside the prison. Tillie!

The Supreme Court voted Monday that the EPA cannot stop power plants from releasing hazardous chemicals without first proving that the clean air is worth more than the companies would have to spend to stop polluting.

In a 5-4 decision handed down today, the Supreme Court decided the existence of the Arizona Independent Redistricting Commission—a panel created by Arizona voters in 2000 to reduce partisan interference in the state’s drawing of congressional districts—is in fact constitutional.

This month, New York advertising man and chronicler of the wealthy set Richard Kirshenbaum (pictured) published a new book, “Isn’t That Rich? Life Among the 1%.” We tried to interview him about it. It did not work out.

The U.S. Supreme Court on Monday approved the continued use of a sedative called midazolam in lethal injections, despite the controversy around a painful botched execution in Oklahoma last year. The petitioners in the case, Glossip v. Gross, are three Oklahoma death row inmates arguing the state’s execution drug cocktail constitutes cruel and unusual punishment.

Showing a persistence and work ethic she never mustered in her lackluster high school career, University of Texas reject and professional white martyr Abigail Fisher has convinced the Supreme Court to give her one more chance to blame affirmative action for her personal failures.

On Friday, President Obama called the Confederate flag “a reminder of systemic oppression and racial subjugation” while speaking at the funeral for the Rev. Clementa Pinckney, who was killed along with eight others by racist gunman Dylann Roof. On Saturday, Dalton, Ga. threw a Confederate Flag Parade.

Though Gawker.com is not technically in the business of sophisticated financial analysis of the global economy, we must report to you this morning that it may be time to panic.

Convicted killer, escape artist and reputed cocksman Richard Matt got shot three times in the head Friday, but cops say he probably went out feeling no pain (they think he was wasted.)

On Sunday, Texas Attorney General Ken Paxton issued a blistering condemnation of the Supreme Court’s recent same-sex marriage ruling, calling it “a lawless decision by an activist Court” and telling government officials they could refuse to issue marriage licenses to gay couples on religious grounds.

On Sunday, a small plane crashed into a house in Plainville, Massachusetts, killing all three on board and leaving the residence “fully engulfed” in flames, CBS News reports.

According to Buzzfeed, the FBI confirmed on Sunday that federal officials are investigating a series of fires that recently hit four predominantly black Southern churches, although the agency denied there was any evidence connecting the blazes at this time.