A California woman recently rescued from a remote forest with her newborn child described her incredible three-day ordeal to reporters this week, claiming she gave birth, fought off insects and started a brush fire before help finally arrived.

Jim, my man, c’mon.

According to The Hollywood Reporter, Miss USA owner and shrunken apple head Donald Trump has filed a $500 million lawsuit against Univision, accusing the network of breach of contract, defamation and—in a compulsory bit of Trumpian weirdness—trying to suppress his right to free speech.

On Tuesday night, Greece missed the deadline for a $1.8 billion debt payment to the International Monetary Fund, becoming the first developed country to do so and joining a club of delinquent borrowers that includes the nations of Sudan, Somalia and Zimbabwe, the Associated Press reports.

You know why? Because his opinion no longer counts for shit. Smart kid.

An incoming sixth-grader named Joey is crying into his Starbucks today after his girlfriend caught him cheating on her by going to the park with another girl. She bluntly ended their relationship via perhaps the greatest series of breakup texts ever composed by an 11-year-old.

Would the escaped prisoners have been found earlier if the New York State Police had read Gawker two weeks ago? It’s hard to say for sure of course, but yeah, probably.

On Monday, 66-year-old Brookyln rabbi Yekutiel Rapp was killed after a livery cab driver allegedly struck him while he was crossing the street near his Crown Heights home, then ran over him two more times. The driver was not arrested on the scene of the crash and has not been charged with a crime.

Today, on June 30, we gain what is known by women and men of science as a “leap second,” a rare occurrence where our normally twenty-four hour day is blessed with one teensy extra moment of bliss to wash over us like a dragonfly kiss. You must be wondering about the science of this extra second, and thankfully the LA Times has happily laid that out for you here. We are not a website of science.

Slowly but steadily, America is losing its taste for the death penalty. Yesterday’s Supreme Court dissent by Stephen Breyer may go down as a landmark on America’s path to the death penalty’s inevitable abolition.

Practice makes perfect, my mom always says, and apparently so did the two convicted murderers who escaped for three glorious bug-bitten weeks (before they were both shot this weekend.)

California Gov. Jerry Brown signed into law one of the strictest vaccination requirements in the country in an attempt to ensure widespread outbreaks—like the recent Disneyland measles debacle—don’t occur again.

“It’s yours to try!” Marc Jacobs wrote on Instagram last night. He was talking about his bare ass.

According to reports, ISIS operatives killed two women this week in Syria by cutting their heads off—reportedly marking the first time they’ve killed female captives in such a manner (at least in Syria).

Yesterday, GOP presidential candidate Jeb Bush, one of whose siblings is a war criminal (not saying which!), told a crowd in South Carolina that heated protests against police brutality in Ferguson and Baltimore were incited by “aimlessly wandering” kids without mentors.

Ah, the crushing jaws of commercial development. Even the most twee and “independent” of cities will be eaten alive by it yet, and Seattle—no matter how many steampunk vegan scones you’d bet in its favor—is no exception. Take the late Edith Macefield’s fixer-upper, a house that looks like the one from that movie Up. You think this thing is going to last?

The fallout from Richard Matt and David Sweat’s historic prison escape continued Tuesday morning, when the New York State Department of Corrections announced that a dozen correctional officers and prison executives at Clinton Correctional facility have been placed on leave.

Bad yogurt manufacturer Chobani will be the official Greek yogurt provider for America’s federal school lunch program. Appropriate. For children, Chobani; for adults, Fage; and for society’s most respected heroes, Noosa. Don’t waste the good stuff on kids.

A Lexington, Ky., Pizza Hut employee has reportedly been fired after a teenage customer snapped a photo of him with his hand down his pants. The photo got a lot of attention on Facebook and Reddit, and the teen girl’s mom has alleged that our erstwhile pizza boy was “playing with himself.”

Part-time softballer and full-time Springsteen fan Chris Christie is running for president, he announced to supporters today, making him the 14th Republican candidate to enter the 2016 race. According to a recent poll, Christie commands the support of just four percent of Republican-leaning voters—putting him well out of reach of the leaderboard and two whole points behind some guy named “Rand.”