Noted asshole Donald Trump recently made asshole history, giving a goddamn presidential campaign announcement so racist that the network responsible for Outsourced was uncomfortable remaining associated with him.

On Wednesday, the Episcopal Church voted overwhelmingly in favor of letting clergy perform religious marriages for same-sex couples, becoming one of the largest churches to do so. Under the new rules, which take effect November 29, individual members of the clergy are still allowed to decline to “bless any marriage.”

A New York woman was charged with child endangerment on Tuesday after alleged leaving her 4-year-old son tied to a bush unattended while she babysat other children in their building, WCBS-TV reports.

Speaking to America’s other self-appointed rape expert named Don on Wednesday, Donald Trump doubled down on his assertion that immigrants from Mexico are mostly rapists, citing an irrelevant article before confidently declaring, “Somebody’s doing the raping.”

Well, oh, shit: a live animal was just put through an x-ray scanner at LAX.

Henry Louis Gates, Jr. is a popular and revered scholar who has written many acclaimed books and made many acclaimed documentaries about black history (and was also forced to drink a beer with the white cop who arrested him in his own home, because that’s America for you).

According to reports, singer-smolderer Enrique Iglesias just paid the state of Florida a hefty bail-amos (to get out of jail) (after he allegedly drove around on a suspended license) (then lied to the cops about who was driving.)

“You all have CSAs in the States, right? That’s amazing.”

Mayor Bill de Blasio has finally started to fill his size 49 Strawbridge’s loafers. On Tuesday afternoon, he called a meeting with members of the press to spit some brassy words about sitting Governor of New York Andrew Cuomo. The verdict? De Blasio is mad as hell and he isn’t gonna take this—meaning Cuomo’s—shit anymore.

Jeb Bush’s newly released tax records show that he has given less than 3% of his income to charity every year since 2008, a level of giving that philosophers, theologians, and political analysts agree qualifies him as a greedy prick.

Generally bees aren’t so bad but sometimes they do something awful, like on Sunday when an angry swarm killed a Texas farmer who accidentally disturbed a huge hive. “He had gaping wounds, the bees shredded him basically. It was horrible,” the victim’s sister told KGBT. Sweet Christ.

After Hillary Clinton’s apparent attempt to dodge federal transparency law by using a secret email server, a judge has ordered the release of all messages. Another email dump arrived last night, and it will stress you out.

The Supreme Court has agreed to hear a case that challenged the ability of unions to require everyone in a workplace to pay dues. Here is what is at stake in this case: the very existence of public unions.

During a press conference this morning that was broadcast live on Cuban TV, President Obama announced that the U.S. has agreed to formally re-establish diplomatic relations with Cuba. “We don’t have to be imprisoned by the past,” the president said before calling for Congress to lift the 53-year-old embargo. Secretary of State Kerry will travel to Havana to open a U.S. embassy later this summer.

Last night, “the game” was a semifinal match between the United States and Germany in the Women’s World Cup. The Americans defeated the favored Germans 2-0, advancing to Sunday’s final, where they will face either England or Japan.

At Maxim, former Gawker writer Max Rivlin-Nadler lands the first interview with Lewis, a mysterious Wall Streeter-turned-musician whose melancholy albums were recently reissued to clamorous praise. Lewis doesn’t say much, but it’s worth reading the tale of how his music found listeners decades after it was recorded.

WIVB has obtained a photograph showing the body of escaped prisoner Richard Matt. The graphic picture, apparently taken shortly after Matt was shot and killed by police Friday afternoon, shows multiple bullet holes in the top of his head, with blood and brains spattered around him on the ground.

Last night, around 4 a.m., a freight train carrying screaming sirens and old dial-up modem sounds crashed through my room. It was a government-issued FLASH FLOOD WARNING, sent express delivery from the darkest depths of Hell directly to my cellphone. Was it even raining when I received the urgent message? Who knows. Will I be cranky and tired all day? Emergency Alert: Yes.

Frank Bruni, a professional newspaper columnist who—unfortunately, given his chosen profession—has not had a single good idea in the past five years, continues that proud streak today. In spectacular fashion!

An early-morning wave of attacks on the Sinai Peninsula left at least 38 dead and dozens more injured. According to the AP, the terrorist group ISIS has already claimed responsibility for the attacks on Facebook.