Deadly sunscreen! Hooters fat! Soda hypertension! Vaccine kids! Dirty blood! Swimming babies! Swallowing batteries! It's your super-scientific Health Watch, where we watch your health—while developing firm opinions on issues too technical for us to grasp!

Due to a budget shortfall, NYC's Gay Pride parade has been cut by a mile.

After eight seasons, 24 has reached its end. In the last two minutes of the series finale Jack tells Chloe that he's fleeing the country, Chloe promises to protect his family and then, in Liz Lemon fashion, she shuts it down.

Hero restaurateur speaks out against kiddie menus.

It's so easy to "hack" into road signs than even racists can just walk up and make the road safety displays say whatever idiotic thing pops into their head, as with these newly-hijacked signs in South Florida.

What happens when you get drunk, pass out, and your friends are aware of your fear of being buried alive? Comedy gold ensues.

Thanks to MTV's guido drama Jersey Shore, business in the town of Seaside Heights, NJ is gearing up for a record-breaking summer. All that talk about how bad the show is for the shore's image? Fuggedaboutit.

I live in Brooklyn. I like it. But, fuck me, I was under the impression that Brooklyn was pretty cool until I started reading all the analysis of it. Now I hate it.

It was announced yesterday that Paula Abdul will be making her way back to television in the form of a new competition show called Got to Dance. Here, Kimmel & crew imagine just how much of a trainwreck it'll be.

The newest batch of ladygoop premiered last night to much fanfare and fancy dressery. But how was the actual movie? Well, judging by a few critics' reactions, it was not so good. Actually, it sounds terrible.

Think the drudgery of jury duty is just as unavoidable as taxes or death? Think again. Here's how to get out of your "civic duty."

Apparently Tila's stint on Celebrity Rehab will cure her of addiction to powdered sleep aids. Katy Perry thinks she's the "new Brangelina." The Hoff gets hospitalized after a three-day alcohol binge. Miley Cyrus is skipping college. Here's your Tuesday gossip.

Advertising's troubling death of euphemism has already forced Americans to confront the realities of toilet paper, fiber-packed poop enhancement products, and tampons, which go in vaginas (FYI). Now, diapers are being explained to us, as if we don't understand.

As was whispered about on Friday, Harvey and Bob Weinstein's deal with Disney to buy back their little Miramax indie studio (yeah, we said "indie studio") has fallen through. Disney has gotten up from the table and won't return. [WSJ]

This dog needs no help playing catch. He just feeds the ball into his special machine, chases it, and brings it back.

It better not be that Chely Wright person again. These celeb sisters are sleeping with the same man and this pair of famous female friends is fighting. It's all about the girl-on-girl action these days.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

[Sarah Jessica Parker at the "Sex and the City 2" movie premiere in New York last night; image via Splash]

Girls Gone Wild's Joe Francis—the last man we can safely call a douchebag—sent us some half-literate legal threats after we named him Douche of the Decade. What's Joe up to now? Sending half-literate legal threats to bloggers, still.

This kid is way ahead of the curve. In about 20 years, he'll be partying harder than anything you've ever seen at one of those douchey clubs in midtown.