I used to hate white people. Not in a deranged John Muhammad way, but like an old black guy who remembers getting rocks thrown at him for trying to vote. More of a simmering resentment than a homicidal loathing.

“I am proud to live in a country that has an African-American president,” swaggering moron and Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry said last week. Impressed, black Americans? There’s more!

Now we reportedly know when and where Joyce “Tillie” Mitchell changed her mind about wanting her loyal, if delusional, husband murdered by the formerly escaped killers David Sweat and Richard Matt. It was while dining at a Chinese restaurant with her husband, Lyle, the night of the escape that Tillie realized that maybe he wasn’t so bad after all.

It must be nice to be Paul McCartney, I’m sure you’re thinking. All that talent, all that money, all that hair... But being Paul McCartney comes at a price, for he is constantly haunted by the ghost of John Lennon.

Last night, “the game” was the Women’s World Cup final between the United States and Japan. The Americans scored four goals in the game’s first 16 minutes and eventually won 5-2, avenging their loss to the Japanese in the 2011 final. It is the U.S.’s first Women’s World Cup title since 1999.

Burt Shavitz, the iconic bearded co-founder of Burt’s Bees, has died. He was 80. “We remember him as a bearded, free-spirited Maine man, a beekeeper, a wisecracker, a lover of golden retrievers and his land,” said the company in a statement, “Above all, he taught us to never lose sight of our relationship with nature.”

A Maine man was killed instantly on Saturday when he ignited a fireworks mortar he had placed on his head, WCHS reports, an incident the victim’s brother described as “a freak accident.”

At least 24 people, ranging in age from 5 to 94, were injured in North Carolina on Saturday after a deck collapsed under a family posing for a group photo, dropping them 10 feet to the ground, WNCT reports.

On Sunday, the United States won the Women’s World Cup final, defeating Japan 5-2. The victory, which began with the U.S. team scoring four goals in 16 minutes, gives America its first Women’s World Cup title since 1999 and third overall, the most in the history of the tournament.

Authorities say a 28-year-old Texas man was attacked and killed by an alligator “almost immediately” after being warned by a bystander not to swim in the water, replying “fuck that alligator” before jumping in, Buzzfeed reports.

On Sunday, Greece overwhelmingly rejected the bailout terms proposed by its European creditors, with a projected 61% of the country voting “no” to further austerity measures via a national referendum, the Associated Press reports.

Two are dead and three missing after a pontoon boat hit a barge and capsized in the Ohio River, the Associated Press reports. Louisville Fire Chief Greg Frederick said that the fatalities included one adult and one child.

The problem with planning hedge-funder parties: “They’re never going to dance. The band is going to play louder, but you have all these dudes trying to get rid of Greek bonds, and they can’t do it because they can’t hear anything. Now, no one is having a good time.”

Look at it: A baby. The royal baby! One of two, actually.

“It does not matter if the destruction is the result of an unfortunate overreaction. It does not matter if it originates in a misunderstanding. It does not matter if the destruction springs from a foolish policy… The destroyers will rarely be held accountable. Mostly they will receive pensions.”

Escaped convict David Sweat, shot and captured by police last weekend, has returned, after four weeks on the outside, to prison. Sweat and his deceased partner-in-crime Richard Matt escaped from Clinton Correctional early last month.

In an interview Saturday with Fox News, Donald Trump expressed surprise that there has been such an extreme backlash to his assertion that Mexican immigrants are criminals and rapists. “I knew it was going to be bad,” Trump said. “I didn’t know it was going to be quite this severe.”

Hillary Clinton supporters clash with protestors during the Democratic presidential candidate’s appearance at a Fourth of July parade in Gorham, New Hampshire.

Long-lost Gawker darling Melissa Berkelhammer has been evicted from her Fifth Avenue apartment, the New York Post reports, after being arrested on shoplifting charges in May. “I’m convinced that you all won’t be happy until I’m dead,” Berkelhammer recently wrote on Facebook. How the mighty have fallen!