They say money can't buy happiness, but Marissa Mayer sure has been trying. And now the Google VP's hedonism/masochism roller coaster has, we hear, earned her a police spanking after a birthday party went too wild.

Ponzi schemers to the stars Kenneth Starr and Andrew Madoff (son of Bernie) both live at 433 E. 74th Street, or "Ponzi Palace." No wonder their one-punch doorman is such a thug. He's even in Ponzi Palace's Google Street View.

Gary Coleman's wife Shannon Price sold pictures of the star's final moments in the hospital to an undisclosed tabloid for an undisclosed sum. Strangely the publication had the tact not to buy a snap of him after he died.

Who says that Americans are a bunch of lazy suckers who believe that they can get in shape only by purchasing video games and fancy gizmos? Now, Americans know they must instead purchase magic swimsuits and pseudoscientific shoes. Fitness ahoy!

Gretchen is absolutely baffled by Sandra and Scarlett's friendship but Steve seems to like it—even if MTV has too few music videos and too much cursing.

This kid, who fancies himself some sort of Clark Kent, attempts to leap from banister to banister on his front porch. Clearly, he can't be bound by physics or terrible ideas.

Paris Hilton took the Wall Street Journal on a tour of her childhood home, the Waldorf-Astoria hotel. She manages to do this without stepping foot in the building—and talking only about herself.

When Sherri Shepard comes onto any show it's obvious that you're in for some sort of good time. She was on the Rachael Ray Show this morning and needless to see a good time was had by all.

In your Newsweeky Monday media column: the latest on the secret rumored alleged unknown bidders for Newsweek, suggestions for Newsweek's future success, Michael Isikoff leaves Newsweek, and Tim Cahill's having a rough time, Newsweek notwithstanding.

Embarrassed because you ate a whole cake and then murdered someone while on a bizarro Ambien sleepwalking binge? Well, blush no more. At least you don't have sleep sex! A new study sheds some light on a troubling phenomenon: Sexsomnia.

Hottie banker Debrahlee Lorenzana says Citibank fired her for being too hot. Now, if she doesn't lay off the media appearances, she could be fired from her new job at Chase. Plus! Watch video of hottie banker in action!

Illinois' alleged horrible criminal ex-governor, Rod Blagojevich, is very excited for the start of his corruption trial, which he's been promoting on television and radio since forever. Is he actually going to tweet nonsense throughout the trial? What a muppet.

Famously-surnamed blank slate Andrew Cuomo is running for governor of New York. His longtime ladyfriend is famous American pseudochef Sandra Lee. So, she is probably incredibly charming and media-savvy, eh? Ha, the funny thing is, she is not.

A study that has been following children raised by lesbian parents for the past 24 years has concluded that not only are the children healthy, they're generally smarter, nicer, and better behaved than those raised by male-female couples.

This is really not the way Helen Thomas deserves to go out, mired in a half-ass scandal. Nevertheless, it is how she is going out. Hearst just announced that the 89 year-old White House correspondent is retiring. Memo below.

Hello everyone! I am your new Gawker staffer Jim Newell, and I will be writing about everyone's favorite horror show, American politics, right here all day every day. Should you even bother reading? Yes! (Please?)

We knew the Brits were economically fucked, but we didn't know just how economically fucked. The prime minister says huge cutbacks must be made to mitigate potential "decades" of financial peril. Do you have any ideas for them?

This guy is tricked into holding a glass of water up to the ceiling lest it fall on him, then is hit with perhaps the oldest and most painful prank of all.

Many anti-gay activists want to figure out how to eradicate the frivolous, sex-crazed gay lifestyle. Mike White and Justin Long have the answer: let them get married! In this charming pro-gay marriage video the two actors show how its done.

Hey, it's not just small businesspersons and disgruntled bloggers who hate Wal-Mart; did you know that there's an entire clandestine consulting group dedicated to using "black arts" to thwart Wal-Mart's expansion? Bully for them!