You would think famous people have great sex, but it sounds quite dull. This comedian uses his AA meeting to try out new material, and this musician steals all his music off the internet. Sadly, celebrities are just like us.

This dog will do anything to get back her frisbee. Even if her beloved toy is stuck in a high tree branch.

Today in Factual Accounts of True Tales of American Heroism That Should Not Be Characterized as Propaganda: Hero Navy SEALs have rescued a helpless eagle that was shot by a fiendish Afghani.

If you've ever walked down Broadway just south of Houston Street, you know the Hollister. There are always shirtless lifeguard-type boys outside, urging you in? It's quite effective! Not so effective? Bedbugs, which are what the store is currently battling.

While trying to wish someone a happy birthday, this kid has a panic attack and completely freezes in front of the camera. You want to feel sorry for him but just can't help laughing at this poor guy.

Citizens of the Internet, The Battle of the Cheetos is now upon us. It's Puffs versus Crunchy. And Crunchy versus Puffs. In an epic online battle unlike anything the World Wide Web has ever seen.

The final deadline for bids on Newsweek is today. (There's still time—apply now!). And, in what must be an encouraging sign for Newsweek staffers, the most wacko bidders have been told their money is no good.

Another day, another lawsuit against Lindsay Lohan, this time for impoverishing a Hollywood boutique. At least her abused assistant came back? Both halves of The Bachelor contemplate naked photoshoots. Zoe Saldana is engaged. Thursday gossip is a forgone conclusion.

[Lady Gaga in Cambridge, MA where she was meeting with Polaroid at the MIT museum; image via Bauer-Griffin]

Opera singers usually go through some pretty rigorous training. At least his parents know that all those lessons are finally paying off now that he can definitely hit that high note.

Michael Mineo, the Brooklyn man who says cops sodomized him with a baton, saw the officers acquitted on criminal charges in February. Now, Mineo's lost most of his civil suit too (one claim's still pending). Sorry; rules are rules.

Can you guess what movie this image comes from? Check back for the answer at 4pm today.

Thankfully, most of us emerged unscathed from the scariest pandemic of all time, swine flu. The real heroes were the pharmaceutical companies that told governments to stockpile their products. But now, $260 million worth of expired vaccines will be destroyed.

Rise up—it's Tanning Salon Tax Day! All across America, men and women are being persecuted for their choice of skin tone by that commie Barack Obama. Hands off our tan lines, and pass the Banana Boat© spf 0!

[Today the BP oil spill will become the biggest ever in the Gulf of Mexico, with 140 million gallons of crude already spilled. In other news, the toxic Hurricane Katrina FEMA trailers are being resold to spill cleanup workers! Getty]

Who: The daughter of Vogue editrix Anna Wintour, Bee Shaffer is as close to fashion royalty as you can get. When she isn't attending fancy parties, she's an assistant at College Humor.

The 11th suspect in the Russian spy case, Christopher Robert Metsos, who was arrested and released on bail in Cyprus on Tuesday, surprisingly didn't show up the next day to speak with police. A manhunt is now underway.

New CNN host and former New York governor Eliot "Socks On" Spitzer thinks his important new show will sweep his hooker-sexing past away, priming him for a run at mayor of NYC when Bloomberg's term ends in 2013. [P6, Getty]

[Remember Elian Gonzalez, the 6-year-old Cuban kid who became the center of a custody controversy in 2000? Well, that's him, now, with Cuban President Raul Castro, officially marking the ten-year anniversary of his return to Cuba. Pic via AP.]

Tonight on Top Chef, the cheftestants were hit in the jugular when asked to bake a pie for the quickfire (judged by Johnny Iuzzini, future host of Top Chef: Just Desserts). Most opted for "savory" pies, and, well...