Good news for Paris Hilton: Pink cars almost never get stolen. (This study of car theft yielded not a single pink automotive theft.) Grey and black cars, on the other hand, get jacked all the time. [Freakonomics, image via INF]

Last night VH1 aired the season premiere of the train wreck that is The T.O. Show. When not focusing on destroying team camaraderie, the washed up receiver can't stop talking about balls and boxes.

So, Western Civilization: it will collapse, soon. Every Wall Street computer will blow up and we'll all be killing each other over the remaining KFC buckets. Fortunately, our leaders in Washington are storing more seeds in the Arctic seed vault!

Today at Gawker.TV, The Soup calls out Kathie Lee and Hoda for being drunken hypocrites, Chad Ochocino begins his journey down Vh1 reality dating, Sookie gets dumped over the phone, and we go inside Jack Rebney's Winnebago for an interview.

Congratulations to Lazarou for being the first person to answer today's Freeze Frame. Click through for the answer.

Cholesterol kids! Weight loss drugs! Glucosamine failure! Skin cancer diversity! Proper sneeze coverage! And your daily milk needs, revealed! It's your Monday Health Watch column, where we watch your health: with supplemental protein!

As if drinking wasn't fun enough already, a new trend has emerged in which you consume alcohol by pouring it directly into your eye. The Doctors advise against it and it even makes Todd Bridges disgusted.

Watching last night's ridiculously overstuffed, hamhanded True Blood, it became suddenly apparent: There is basically no good TV on this summer. And there are very few upcoming promising prospects.

You know journalism's in trouble when a reporter describes her job as "like a call girl without the sex." Meet "club girls," women paid to go out every night and party with celebrities, then report their findings to tabloid magazines.

A shooting rampage at an Albuquerque office has taken six lives.

After grappling with her daughter's new job as a strip club waitress, matriarch Cheryl West has a heart to heart with Heather and some small suggestions about her wardrobe. Truly a Full House moment.

Today on The View, Angie Harmon announced that she will be moving from Los Angeles to prevent her daughters from becoming "strippers" with "full sleeves" before they turn eight—because that is the inevitable destiny for all Angelenos, obviously.

At some point in the last 30 years, left-of-center organizations eschewed the term "liberal" for the fancier-sounding "progressive," after the right wing had somehow turned "liberal" into a pejorative. Unfortunately for liberals, no one knows what the fuck "progressive" means.

Scientists say that athletic success is actually determined by the position of your bellybutton on your torso; genetic bellybutton location differences account for white dominance in swimming, and West African dominance in running. Standup comedians are pretty embarrassed right now.

The Way We Live Now: gracefully submitting to our new overlords. There's no use trying to fight it any longer. As our jobs disappear, our investors flee, and our populace falls victim to scams, one thing is clear: Canada rules.

During a free concert in support of gulf coast relief, Jimmy Buffett and his beach bum army called out BP by changing a few words to Margaritaville. The middle aged, constantly drunk, flip-flop wearing masses will not stand for this.

Remember how Facebook unilaterally appropriated private friend lists and profile photos several months ago? A new class-action suit says that action violated Canadian privacy and consumer protection laws, and demands a cut of Facebook's ill-gotten revenues. Nice, ay?

["Good Day New York" host Greg Kelly rides the first elliptical bike on his show today; image via Splash]

Normally, a fail video will cause you to laugh at the stupidity of the failer and/or failee. This one, in which a driver mistakes a pond for a parking lot, might scare you into steering clear of parking lots.

Everyone needs some lovin' every once in a while, and amateur gigolo Ray is there to satisfy that need. In this clip, Ray gets it on with a seven-months pregnant woman whose husband has abandoned her.